Sassarella Says...: "When men are persistent, it's romantic, they make movies about that. If it's a woman, then they cast Glenn Close"

An open letter to society about relationships.

To: Society
From: Sassarella
Subject: Progress Report

As a frequent visitor to the shady part of society, also known as Datesville, USA, I have a few words to say about the way in which you teach us to behave in romantic or possibly romantic relationships. As you can probably guess, this is not going to be a particularly praising letter, however, I do appreciate some of the vital components of Datesville. For example, I like that you have made it necessary for each person in Datesville to shower, put on deodorant, wear a nice outfit, brush teeth, and strive to make an overall positive, clean, and attractive impression on the fellow Datesman or Dateswoman. Shallow or not, no one can deny that if someone showed up to Datesville smelling like B.O. and covered in dirt, it is common practice to end the visit to Datesville right then and there. I also appreciate the continued practice of chivalry; it is not dead. Thank you for raising men who open doors, pick up the tab, and walk on the outside. I also thank you for a navy or black polo and jeans; the combination will get me just about every time. I appreciate you, Society, for media outlets that promote cologne and perfume. The right cologne...oooofaaa oh me oh my. Now that's enough praise for you, Society.
As for why I'm really writing you this letter, sorry, but you knew the criticism was coming. I've got quite the bone to pick with you concerning what is acceptable for me to do versus what is not when it comes to my time in Datesville. Why is it that after a great second date it is required of the man to say "I'll call you" or "so let's do this again" or "are you free this week?" etc etc etc. If he does, it's adorable, wonderful, and re-assuring but if the girl says it, it's considered over-bearing, scary, and clingy. Society, you stink because then if he doesn't say any of those things, we women are left wondering why. Did it slip his mind? Should it slip his mind? Was he caught up in the moment and will text me tomorrow? Should I text him tomorrow to thank him, because I'm so polite, even though he didn't mention seeing me again? Four, five, six, sometimes even seven questions later, the question then arises: Am I completely over-thinking this entire thing?! ....Were his decisions calculated or just dumb guy stuff? Again, Society, why is it kosher for the man to address future interactions while it is clingy and needy for the girl to do so? Since there's no turning back on this technology craze that you've started, we all demand instant gratification and are pissed off when we don't get it. It makes me crazy, just sayin. So I'm hoping that a month from now he and I will be able to laugh about the dilemma that I faced for 15 hours of my weekend.

I'd also like to ask you about this attraction business. Why, Society, have you made casual hook-ups, whether defined by sex or not, so common? It really messes with a girl's head but not mine of course, noooo way. In making this behavior acceptable, you have made it so that I cannot decipher between a guy who is into me for my personality and my body versus a guy who is just into my body. Please don't misunderstand, I am very happy to have men in my life who express their appreciation for my...assets...BUT in the early stages, how am I supposed to know the difference? Why does his overwhelming attraction to me, a natural and human form of expression, scare me so much? I have my theories but they all come back to YOU, Society, and how you teach us to behave. You tell us women that if he gives gentle kisses on the top of the head or the forehead that is a sure fire sign indicating that he really likes you....I'm gonna go ahead and call BULLSH!T. Please, I'm begging you Society, to stop telling me things like this because even though that occurred, this is real life, not a movie, and I'm still unsure.
Going along with this sentiment, Society why did you make navy and black polos, pair them with jeans and the perfect cologne so that it's even more difficult for me to resist temptations while I'm trying to decipher his motives?! And WHY is it that because I'm a female I have to be concerned at all with his motives? If a guy chooses to mess around with a girl, it is what it is, but if a girl chooses to mess around too soon she is suddenly a sloooot and no longer girlfriend material. How rude of you.

These are only a few examples of the double standards and codes of behavior that I, among other women, are faced with on a regular basis. Over drinks with Sammy, she was wondering why you can't go back to the days on the playground where there was a simple "I like you" from him and a "I like you too" from her and it was settled. I also wondered why phoning a friend isn't allowed anymore: "I want to send a friend over to the basketball hoop to ask him if he likes me and then come back over to the swings and report the answer." Life would be so much easier, Society! Can't you just go back to operating this way? You need to make some changes or else I am going to continue to suffer and attempt to sort through these issues until...until...who knows when! In case you turn the tables on me and write back saying, "why don't you stop going along with me and make your own rules?" I have an answer ready. And that answer is because I know people who are oblivious to the codes of behavior or simply choose to ignore them and that is not a good look on most women. They end up getting burned or looking like a social idiot because they "got all attached and emotional" feh! Unfortunately, life is not an indie, off beat, chick flick like Juno or 500 Days of Summer where being out of touch with reality and cute at the same time actually happens. These movies are not real life as of now, so Society, please stop encouraging us to be completely awkward, as they are in these films, in romantic settings until you make it so that it really does lead to the happily ever after.

So anyway, Society, these are just some things I've been thinking about lately. Sassarella Says...Society, I need you to cut me some slack by making some g.d. changes to the relationship code of conduct! Just because I want to know where I stand does not make me clingy or scary. I should be freely allowed to ask such questions. Just because I want to look good on a date does not mean I want to be taken advantage of for looking good. Attraction is a wonderful and necessary part of life that should not make me question everything else. AND JUST BECAUSE he seems amazing does not mean sh!t until...until blah I don't know. If you would stop testing my new found goosfraba state of peace and happiness, I would really appreciate it. Point is, Society, you suck sometimes and there's not a whole lot I can do about it. I promise that if you work on changing your ways even just a little bit more in the favor of women...fine, I'll even take equality for goodness sake, but either way I will take full advantage of your new ways. As a peace offering, I will share with you new fabulous songs, compliments of Zumba! You Know You Love Me.

XOXO,

Sassarella

"Danza Kuduro" by Don Omar & Lucenzo