"Hey, if we were in prison, you guys would be like my b!tches!" - Phoebe Buffay, Friends

In case you haven't heard, my birthday is this Friday, January 13th! And in case you haven't already bought me a present, here are some things I want this year...

Angel face is only asking for a simple thing or two....

I am a nerd at heart: I am in need of a new "Bible." This is tough because I am very picky about it but something 9.5x6.5 should do. A small spiral, if any, and possibly one small pocket folder. I like notebooks, just get me a bunch of really pretty, artsy, and modern ones that I will happily look at as I sit in Starbucks writing for hours. Actually, I'm thinking of a bunch of other "Bible" requirements, why don't you let me get this one. You've got quite a list to get busy buying....

A life time supply of the following: Haribo gummy bears (which I will immediately regret), fake eyelashes, Calvin Klein Euphoria perfume, and G2 Orange Gatorade. I'd also like a fro yo machine in my apartment that automatically shuts down for the day when I've had a certain amount.

And to work off the life time supply of gummy bears (that I will most likely finish by February) and the fro yo, another monthly plan of hot yoga....come to think of it, better give me a life time unlimited membership to that too! www.downdogyoga.com. Great, thanks.

I would like you to get me an actual job interview. I'm sick of submitting resumes to automated systems that make it impossible to make any sort of connection. I, in my opinion, make my biggest impression in person as opposed to on paper, therefore I feel I am being short-changed.

You could get me one of those money trees too, I think they sell them at Home Depot in the plant section. I promise I will water it every day!

Or you could get me concert tickets to every concert I will ever want to see in my entire life.

I also want to be made part owner of Forever 21, Nike, and Steve Madden (or Aldo, either will do) so that I can "buy" whatever I want from any store (or on-line) for free.

You could get me one of those machines that make it possible to be fully functioning while sleeping. I need one of those...try Best Buy.

Or you could get me that new alcohol that has zero calories and guarantees a non-existent hangover the next day. That would be swell!

I also want that spray tanning solution that you only have to apply once all over your body and face and it makes you permanently tan (the safe way)! Imagine how much money, time, and energy you will be saving me. And my all white bathroom might actually be white again!

Ray Ban sunglasses. They never seem to go out of style. Oh and Joe jeans, curvy fit.

And I hear there's a new app for iPhones called "The Perfect Man in Seconds," could you get me that app? I already know how he'll look, sound, and dress so it won't take long to create him. We'll fall in love and I'll have you to thank!

And I hear there is a new Sugar Free Red Bull on the market that actually gives you wings! I'll take a life time supply of that too...flying would be easier (and I hear more of an effortless workout) than walking everywhere. And just think, you'll also be saving me money on cabs, trains, buses, and flights to anywhere I need to go! You're the best.

Or how about season tickets to the NY Yankees with a complimentary (and personal) meet and greet with the team, coaches, management staff, and owner. I hear that's pretty cheap and easy to do!

And hey while you're negotiating with the NY Yankees, I'm sure it would be easy enough to get in touch with a top dog at the official airline associated with the team, Continental, isn't it? Well, you could politely mention that there are times when flying myself (with the SF Red Bull wings, of course) is not the most convenient way of traveling, especially if I plan to travel overseas (which I do). See if you can get your hands on one of those re-usable, open-ended tickets that I can use anytime, anywhere, and bring any amount of people I choose. As a thank you, I'll fly ya anywhere you want to go!

I would ask you to get my hotel rooms comped everywhere as well, but I don't want to be greedy!

So you see, it's the little things in life for me! That's all I want for my birthday this year. If you want to split up the list, that would be fine too. I hardly expect one or two people to be able to get all of these things so sharing is caring, people!

Sassarella Says...in all seriousness, I want to be happy, tipsy, and

surrounded by  people having a good time on my birthday. And maybe the

eyelashes and Gatorade...but that's it, I promise!