I need a baby.

Growing up, Sammy and I always played house. We had a legit kitchen set, several real bedrooms to turn into fake rooms complete with changing tables and diaper bags. We had a living room, fake telephones, and a homemade Barbie house that took up an entire wall in the fake teenage girl's room. At the time, you are under the impression that it is your life's destiny to grow up, get married and have kids which is why you play games like house. However now that I think about it, I remember how I always opted to be the teenage daughter while Sammy always wanted to be the mother, it actually worked out quite perfectly. Looking back, this is fitting considering Sammy grew up to earn a lot of her money through middle school, high school, and college by babysitting neighbors, friends, and what would become consistent clients on a regular basis. Whereas I hated babysitting and only did it when a neighbor or friend called my mom to ask if I could do it but always started the call with, "I know she doesn't like to do it but I'm desperate." Sammy even grew up thinking she would be a teacher, (she's naturally maternal, I'm not, get over it) while I dreamt of professions that had very little to do with children. She has always wanted tons of babies and I've teetered between wanting lots of babies or having no babies at all.

My opinion constantly changes on the subject. One year I want six kids, all boys and the next year I don't want any. The periods of time that I thought I wouldn't have any correlated to my early college years when I would have melt downs every other day and ask my mother how she put up with me. "I'm too much work, I'm never having kids," I would say. But as I grow up it is easier to picture a happy picture of life that includes children. It also helps having someone in your life that you can see the happy picture someday with.

All of that aside, recently I'm finding myself really wanting a baby. This is coming from someone who has had a scare or two in her life and knows that she really doesn't want one right now, so why the sudden urge?

The other day I spotted a mother playing with her really freakin' cute baby boy on the metro. I felt the urge. I had had a pretty rough day and was on the verge of melt down number two for the afternoon and finally it clicked. I laughed at myself as a thought: I want a baby so I can worry about someone's life other than my own. Completely pathetic. Say it with me now, "I want a baby so I can stop obsessing over my own problems...." Good god. I don't have a hard life, relatively speaking to others, I know that, but my problems are mine and they exist. That day I was feeling completely overwhelmed wondering about the who, what, when, where, why, and hows about my job, my relationships, my weight, my life, my everything. I'm exhausted just reading that sentence.

My understanding is that when you have a baby all of your focus then shifts to the who, what, when, where, why, and hows of the kid and I would then become secondary. Obviously I'm not a moron. I'm fully aware that having a child is significant, life-changing, overwhelming, challenging, etc. I also know that my selfish reasons for wanting a child 100% indicate that I'm not ready to have a real one but I need a fake one.

A fake one? Yes. Ya know how when someone is working on an old car, fixing it up, and getting it in perfect condition, the friends and family of the person fixing up the car might call the car that person's "baby?" Well I need a baby! I need to figure out what it is that I can throw myself completely into to settle the roller coaster that is my brain and emotions. Nothing is overly fulfilling for me right now. My day job is what it is and will take time to really become something, if it ever does. My side jobs are what they are and don't quite satisfy my intellectual needs as they should. Any hobbies I have are often in third place after spending time with my man, my friends, oh and having 2.5 paying jobs. I need something that I and those around me can refer to as "my baby" other than my loving boyfriend. Part of my stress and anxiety is that I think I know what "my baby" could be but I have yet to allocate the time to get involved. Why is that? I wonder. Is it that the project feels so big that I don't know where to start? Perhaps. No matter what the reason, I really need to focus on "my baby" and not just say I'm going to do it.

Sassarella Says...I must go do. And if you know me at all, you will know that I will be working on this "baby" completely privately and you won't know it exists until I'm done...or almost done. Good day.

Think, Process, Focus

It seems odd that when one's current relationship gets more serious that one would reflect back upon (or even dream about) a previous failed relationship. Well, as you can probably guess, this recently happened to me. I woke up feeling quite strange this morning having had a dream about a previous man candy while in bed with my current one. The odd part was that while this past "relationship" failed, the dude was uncharacteristically portrayed as an outgoing, overly-friendly, mature, and appealing guy. (Not to say that he doesn't embody some of that but certainly not all at the same time and to that degree)!

Dream: I'm at a reunion of sorts with a lot of mutual friends and we hadn't seen each other in awhile. I remember feeling relieved that the girlfriend he had before me wasn't there and I remember watching him briskly say hello to his most recent ex. The exchange was pleasant and easy, he seemed happy, which is not like him. He owned the room with his charisma and charm. He was floating around saying hello to everyone, making extensive conversation and laughing wildly, all of which he does not normally do. I remember attempting to walk by him with my head phones on (which I guess indicates my natural instinct to pretend like I don't see him), but I still smile and wave to be polite. Then he stops me, which would never happen in real life, and as he's pulling me in for a hug he says, "Ohh come on! Say hello to me, ya jerk!" It was all very playful and so unlike our normally awkward exchanges. He was smiling from ear to ear and when we pulled away from the hug, we just stared at each other for a second and then KISSED.

I woke up immediately after that bugging the eff out.

So me being me, I immediately turn to the Internet seeking answers and it turns out I'm not alone. Of course there are a ton of what ifs, but ifs, and only ifs but one explanation really stuck out. When your current relationship is getting more serious, your subconscious shows you examples, provides warnings, and sends messages. For example, instead of freaking out that this dream means I want him back (which I certainly DO NOT), I really thought about what the dream was showing me. The more I thought about it, the more I put some pieces together. I realized that not only was he portrayed completely inaccurately but that his mannerisms, the way he spoke, the way he smiled, and the way he kissed me, I mean every ounce of the way he behaved is that of my current man! CREEPY.

I realized that this dream, although creepy, was a message. It was confirming all of the character and personality traits that I love about my man and showed me that I'm not making the same mistakes as I did with the ex-boyfriend who was in the dream! As decisions get more intense and steps get more serious with my man these days, my subconscious sent me a confirming message that I made the right choice.

I'm patting myself on the back right now and I hope you are cyber-space high-fiving me! I also realllllly hope this is making as much sense as I want it to or else imma have a lot of 'splaining to do.

The only part that is bugging me about the dream is WHY HIM? Of all of the ex-boyfriends and former flings, why did my subconscious choose this guy? It made me wonder, how do you know when you are absolutely 100% over someone? You all know me well enough to know that if I weren't over him, I wouldn't be in this current relationship for as long as I have. I'm not a settler nor am I an idiot.

But is it about having closure? What if there really wasn't any closure? What if there wasn't an a-ha moment? What if we didn't have the big blow-out fight? What if he didn't do anything soOoOo horrible to me that I could never forgive and forget? It just kinda pooped out.

I guess you don't ever really know for sure but what you can be sure of is your present. My present is what matters and I have unflagging certainty that I am in the right relationship at the right time.

Sassarella Says...that's all I got. Love ya.