Sassarella, I love you BUT...

"Women are repeatedly accused of taking things personally.

I cannot see any other honest way of taking them."

- Marya Mannes

"I think you're amazing BUT...you're heading back to school (or you're heading home for the summer). You'll be there and I'll be here; it would never work. Let's see what happens when you get back." Yeah, right.

"You're a great girl BUT...we're in different places in our lives right now. You're still living the college life and I'm in the working world so I wouldn't want to hold you back (Christ, the amount of times I've heard that one is insane). (Or now it's...) You're just finishing school, trying to find a job and my career is really taking off. It's just a hectic time." Isn't life always hectic?

"I really like you a lot BUT...I don't want something serious right now. It's summer, my buddy has a house down the shore, and I wanna screw anything with boobs and a spray tan while I still can. You're too special to be treated that way and I care about you too much." OMG, thank you soo much! Really, thank you and boy, do I feel special right now!

  
"I love spending time with you BUT...I've been talking to my ex again and I'm not sure what's happening. AKA, I'm getting back with my ex even though I've been b!tching about her to you for weeks." I hope you two whack jobs are very happy together.

"You're the absolute best BUT...I'm just not sure what I want right now. I'm still kinda dealing with my last break-up and I wouldn't want to lead you on. Can we take things slow while I decide whether or not you're worth it? No? Okay, well it's really important to me that we stay friends." Yay, you win the award for having the most friends everrrrrr. Happy now?

"You're the perfect girl for me BUT...I'm not ready. You're the kind of girl I'd love to marry and take home to mom but I'm still too much of an idiot to get it together. I wish we met five years from now. Your maturity intimidates me." Grow up.

"You know I think the world of you BUT...I don't want to ruin our friendship. I would hate for us to not be able to hang out and talk." Yeah? You wanna braid my hair too? Imma just go ahead and call bullsh!t. No guy with a functioning downstairs really thinks like that.

"I love everything about you BUT...just not enough. You're smart, funny, and gorgeous but just not smart, funny, and gorgeous enough for me to be a man about it. I can't put my finger on what it is but there's just something missing." Could it be your balls? Just sayin'...

"We have such a great time together BUT...I'm just gonna stop calling for no good reason at all. Even if I have a good reason, I'm not going to tell you about it. Why? Because it would mean using my words like a big boy and it's so much easier to be a coward and ignore you instead." K. (And by "k", I mean eff you).

"I love you BUT...my arm hurts, your favorite color isn't the same as mine, the Giants game is on, you have ten toes and ten fingers, you like your eggs scrambled and I like mine over easy, you drink too much Diet Coke, and your hair is an inch longer than I'd like it to be." Well, excuse me for living.

Does any of this sound familiar to anyone? And it's never us, right? I'm so wonderful that any guy would be lucky to be with me so please, Sassarella, don't take it personally. Whether it's me, it's you, or it's Scooby-Doo, it doesn't matter because the bottom line is that it still sucks (to be perfectly honest). I'm sure you've all heard one of these before and have other examples of your own. Care to share with the class? I'd love to hear them. Guys, the excuses are getting old #FullOnRant

Sassarella Says...I think I need a Happy Meal.