How Fast Do You Fall?

The first time I fell hard and fast. A little less than a month into dating him I knew I loved him and that he loved me too. The second time I was in love was a slow progression over time. I loved him because of our history and because of our story. And the third time I fell in love, I fell hard and fast again. Exactly a month into it, I could feel myself starting to fall just as he was pulling away. So how fast do you fall? Seems to me that when I know, I fall right into it very early on. No one knows when a person to love is going to come along but when it does, ya just friggen know. You can feel it.

....Or do you? It would take a lot of authority for me to say that that's the only way I can fall in love because who the hell really knows. I mean clearly it's not the only way because there was one who I loved over time and not off the bat, however I would say that I always felt a strong pull towards him. He protected me, or so I thought he did. Anyway, that's besides the point and the point is that I'm wondering how fast do you fall in love? How long does it take you? Does it take awhile because I would love a definitive answer to this question. Should I be in love by now? Should I not? Is it okay that I'm not? And could I be in the future? These are all questions that I am usually able to just intuitively know the answers to but every now and then I question myself and I start to look at each piece of the puzzle.

When I'm in love, I get giddy knowing that I know your favorite flavor of Snapple, Smart Water, or Gatorade.

When I'm in love, I will always want to hold your hand in the car.

When I'm in love, I need to hear you say, "What will make me happy is to see you happy."

When I'm in love, I want everyone to know about it. I want them to know that this stud, yeah that one right there, chose me.

When I'm in love, I blush when I can see you subtly showing me off to your friends and family.

When I'm in love, I get excited for a weekly date night.

When I'm in love, I hate saying goodbye to you. Even if it's just for a few hours.

When I'm in love, I love assuming and telling people, "oh yeah, we'll both be there."

When I'm in love, I'm comforted knowing how I'm getting home and who I'm going there with.

When I'm in love, I want to take showers with you.

When I'm in love, I'm impressed when you try to impress me.

When I'm in love, I like to keep things at your place because we know I'll be there anyway.

When I'm in love, I'm satisfied knowing that even when you're not saying a word I know what you're thinking.

When I'm in love, I want to dress up for you.

And when I'm in love, I really want you to know about it and for you to be in love with me too.

Ok great but so what? I don't have to be in love with a person to know his favorite flavor of Smart Water. So is it possible to be in love, or potentially in the future, if some of those things aren't true at the moment? My gut says no and my gut is rarely, if ever, wrong. But what if I really want to be in love and really want all of those things to be true? Can it happen...maybe one day...eventually...how about down the road?

Sassarella Says...my gut still says no.

I think.

"Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind" - Keith Urban

Feeling oh so uninspired to write, yet knowing this is the only day I have free to get something off the ground, I frantically searched blogs, read articles, and listened to the most random music on my iTunes hoping for something to inspire me. When I finally found it, I felt a little sick and quite frustrated but ultimately motivated. Remember this girl? The blogger who is in a relationship with a former booty call of mine? Ehem, let me re-phrase, the blogger who is in a relationship with a former booty call of mine WHILE HE WAS STILL MY BOOTY CALL!! I only found out he was in a relationship based on her blog.....like really with this technology sh!t. Well in the months since I've written about her, they have broken up (WAHOOOO! Thank god she's free of this man) but have since gotten back to together on and are still unhappy blah biddy blahh biddy blah.

Anyway, as I read another saga about how their Valentine's Day was a failure and how giving their relationship a THIRD try isn't going so well (shocker, I know), one thing hit a nerve. She mentioned some of the ridiculous and careless words they threw at each other, including how he told her that her blog is a "relationship killer" and that she should take it down.

Ok, so now not only are you a cheating d-bag but you dare to throw daggers at her blog! I should mention that she is currently writing a book based off of it aka you are disgracing her passion and what she hopes will bring her success and satisfaction. What an ass.

Obviously I can relate to his opinion that it is a relationship killer but I can also appreciate her desire to keep it up and running (so help me if she ever takes it down, I'll cyberspace punch her). When it came to the guy who made the man in the pit of my stomach go crazy, I never wrote about it until it was over. Once it was over, I took some heat from our mutual friends for so publicly expressing my feelings. They felt it was weird and uncomfortable, since of course they knew who I was talking about. I didn't care because this is how I work through my sh!t. This is how I get it all out of my system and it worked.

#SorryNotSorry

It was easy when I was dating guys who I knew would never see what I wrote without my permission. We didn't know a lot of the same people, nor were we Facebook friends, which made it very easy to write about them freely and honestly. I guess there have been times that I've written about guys who I know will read it, like Roller Coaster and Bob, but I only had to answer to them and a few close friends who were on my side. In the last six months that I've lived in DC that is not the case. Between the guy who made the man in the pit of my stomach go crazy and whatever is presently happening, I can't write sh!t. Why? Because it is a relationship killer. Relationships, whether we like it or not, are games that we play like chess players. Who is going to text first? Do we see each other too much? Should I pull back? Is he avoiding me? Am I avoiding him? That being said, if I were to write in detail about what is going on and how I'm feeling about it then I lose my hand. I lose my power.

Additionally, there is more to said here about privacy, dignity, and preservation of character. When I know that an entire culture (mob, crew, social circle) of people will know exactly what he's saying and doing in the privacy of our time that's no bueno. Some of you might be wondering how I can say that and yet I wrote so much about the guy who made the man in the pit of my stomach go crazy and here's my simple little answer: he really pissed me off. But good thing we're past that....

The moral of the story is that I've got blogger problems. The first one is that the area of inspiration these days is one that I cannot write about. And the second one is figuring out deep down why I can't write about it. Is what I would write something too revealing, too brutally honest, and possibly hurtful for whomever it is about? Which would make this blog a relationship killer. I mean I'm even censoring myself right now. I took out a few sentences and re-worded this paragraph at least twice! Or is it simply that what I would write about is none of anyone in that culture's (aka bar crew of people's) damn business? It's the first rule of fight club, you don't talk about it. You don't talk about your love life whether they know the guy or they don't because when they are given too much information based on what I write, then this blog becomes a relationship killer.

Sassarella Says...ugh. The most frustrating thing for a blogger is censorship, especially when you are censoring yourself for the sake of another.

DJ CFabb: "Music is a safe kind of high" - Jimi Hendrix

Wednesday afternoon was the first afternoon in weeks that I've had to just sit in my apartment and chill with the music on. Instead of having a quick 20 minutes in between two jobs, I had a good 4 hours to do nothing. I never thought I'd appreciate 4 short hours of nothing but I did. I realized that music has not been getting the proper attention that it deserves in my life recently. My walks and bus rides to work are short and I don't even listen to it when I exercise anymore because of yoga so all I hear is the top 40 hits at the bar all the time. Yikes. But as I sat there listening to my iPod on complete random, I found myself thinking, "Oooo I like this song!" Well duh you like this song, it's your music! Anyway, I'm re-connected to la musica and want to share some new finds with all of ya'll....

"Shake It Out" (Benny Benassi Remix) - Florence & the Machine


"Midnight City" (M83 Cover) - The Knocks ft. Mandy Lee


"Mr. Mister" - Sato Goldschlag ft Wynter Gordon


"Broke Phi Broke" - White Noise Mashups


"Walking Alone" (Magnus & Timon Rexmi) - Dirty South & the Usual Suspects ft. Erik Hecht


"Electro Beach" - 3LAU


"Set Fire" (3LAU Bootleg) - Michael Calfan & Adele


"Love You More" (RAC Mix) - Sunday Girl


"Youth" (Adventure Club Dubstep Remix) - Foxes


"Midnight City" (PatrickReza Dupstep Remix) - M83


"Spring Break Mix" - Kap Slap


"Can't Stop Me" (Aylen Remix) - Afrojack & Shermanology


"Thank You" (Addict DJs Remix) - Dido


"The Fight of My Life" - Colin Munroe ft. Pusha T


"Happy Violence" (Manila Killa & El Cid Remix) - Dada Life

Sassarella Says...all you need is love. And perhaps, music.

Hey, Have You Heard? Sassarella is Back, Biotches.

In the last month I have only sat down to write twice and both times came up with something so mediocre that I didn't even bother to post it. I've been in a rut. Someone asked me where Sassarella has been and the answer that came immediately to mind was, "I have nothing to say right now." I'm always working and when I'm not working I'm either at yoga or partying, neither of which typically inspire too many blog posts. However, in the last month I have heard a lot of things that have either made me laugh, cry, or simply struck a cord....

"Can you help me? I've never had a boyfriend so I'm not sure how these boyfriend style jeans are supposed to look. Do you like them?" ~ most adorable girl in her mid-twenties shopping at Loft

"I need to call my boyfriend, he'll know what to do. I'm gonna have to transfer! My parents are going to kill me! I'm supposed to be watching after my sister and now she's here getting stitches. It is a big deal! It is a big deal! You don't understand, people are laughing at me, but you don't understand. My parents went to Vanderbilt and I go to GW, which is so much worse. They're going to make me transfer!!!" ~ girl at the GW emergency room in the next bed over from me, uncontrollably sobbing of course

"YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US!!!!!" ~ Dani, Brittany, and myself

"Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut through the mess,
and stop the muscle that makes us confess" ~ Ingrid Michaelson, Breakable


"You have so many weapons, most of which
you don't even know are weapons." ~ Ceze to the Eeze

"Looks like boo is duncan hines!!" ~ Mensing

"Fools in love, are there any creatures more pathetic?

....I should know because this fool's in love again." ~ Inara George, Fools in Love

"I think you're phenomenal." ~ Wouldn't you like to know

"What time did we leave last night?"

"It must have been pretty late, the bar was definitely closed."

"Yeah well I mean one bartender gave me a ride and you went home with the other one....so yeah, I'd say it was pretty late."

"WOW, are we classy or what?!" ~ take a wild guess

"WOO WOO WAHHHHH!" ~ Oscar on my love, Zack Ryder, getting hurt on Monday Night Raw

"I'm the mayor of Love in Homeless Places, bitch." ~ Me to Gus

"However far away, I will always love you." ~ Adele, Lovesong

"So, you're pretty much being the worst person alive. Yes you are." ~ Brittany

"Can I keep you?" ~ Confidential

"It was so nice to meet your parents. Are they married a long time because you can really see the connection. All three of you seemed very well connected, it was nice." ~ my manager at Loft

"I find you so much less attractive now
because I know you slept with him." ~ B.K.

"She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. When I think back, things that I wasn't happy about had to line up for us to be together and I couldn't be happier now that they did. I really believe I am the luckiest guy in the world" ~ If it's not a pail, then it's gotta be a....

"I could start fires with what I feel for you" ~ David Ramirez, Fires

"I want your boobs. I'm gonna play my sexy time play list. Can us four get a house together?!" ~ Car Bomb Kate 2008

And finally, "history repeats itself, why is Brady wearing Uggs for men?!" ~ Missy Modell, The GMEN Are Back Again

Sassarella Says....I haven't been particularly happy or unhappy recently. I'm in a state of limbo, teetering from happy one day and frustrated or upset the next. This is partly because I'm exhausted, but also because...because...of a lot of things. I'm not loving my retail job, Rhino has slowed down since football ended, and I just can't seem to get my love life under control. I act irrationally and impulsively. I miss my Jersey friends, I miss Luc, and I want this one particular job really badly but I know it's not going to happen over night. I'm not happy that I rarely have a day to myself, therefore I don't write blog posts and my apartment is always mess. However, I am happy when I am with my friends and we're belting Taylor Swift songs at Kandi & Pipers Mac N Chz Palace or when we're re-capping a great night. I am happy that the GIANTS won the Super Bowl and on Friday nights when I get to bartend. I'm happy when he's tickling me at 7am and when the guys are teasing me about nothing. I am happy that my parents came to town, that Pinkberry always hits the spot, and that I'm finally getting back into shape since the holiday season is over. As I sit here and think about it, it's not that I need to teeter the seesaw to happy because like I said, I'm not unhappy, but rather I'd like to tip it over to stability. I am happy when I am overall stable with spurts of spontaneity. Hopefully one of these days I will have just that.