This Too Shall Pass...Right?

You know that moment when you can feel it in your gut that something isn't right? Everything seems normal and looks the same but you know something is coming. What's coming is that moment when the little dude sitting in the pit of your stomach stands up and alerts your brain and your heart that something just ain't quite right. Yeah, that moment sucks. I'm very in tune to this moment and I think it's a blessing and curse that I recognize it more quickly than most.

Last Tuesday night, I felt it creepin' in. By last Wednesday I felt the little dude starting to straighten up his legs and by Thursday night he was at full attention. Friday morning and into Friday afternoon he was kicking and screaming at me until I just couldn't take it anymore. However, thankfully my job requires me to be very busy from Saturday morning to Monday night but he was still knocking at me throughout. By this past Tuesday, I needed to shut him up or I was going to lose it all together. I reached out to the thing causing the little man in my stomach to jump up and down. I got a weird but hopeful response. By Tuesday night, I was unfortunately reassured of my uncanny ability to tell when the little dude sitting in the pit of my stomach is standing up for a reason and I'm not just being paranoid. He was right about everything starting all the way back to that initial Tuesday night.

So I've had a few days to sleep on it, to drink on it, and to be kept completely busy by B.Ryan (everything from yoga to movies to adventures into Virginia) and I'm still a bit all over the place. I go from Adele's "Someone Like You" and Lifehouse's "Broken" to Joshua Radin's "One Leap" and Snow Patrol's "Just Say Yes." In other words, one minute I'm heart-broken and sad and the next I'm oddly hopeful.

I'm sad because I'm learning that the hardest part about ending something, taking things down a gazillion levels, or whatever terminology is appropriate is having to do it every g.d. day. Having to wake up and go to bed to it every day. Having the door man in your building ask why he hasn't seen "your very nice gentleman friend" in awhile. Having to carefully articulate to mutual friends, co-workers, etc what's happening and how you feel about it. Cursing at your iPod because "Take a Back Road" comes on and you can't immediately switch it because you're in the shower. Having a terrible moment in Target reliving the memory of the last time you were there with someone else. Having to deal with the moments that you're not distracted and can actually think about what you would have been doing this time two weeks ago. Having to wonder if you're the only one of the pair doing and thinking about these things every g.d. day.

I'm sad because I can honestly say that for the first time in about three years it really felt right. I can feel the difference in myself when I'm forcing a situation to work because I'm lonely, exhausted or bored as opposed to because it's just working all on it's own. I know that this felt right because it was different than the others. It felt better than it ever felt with Roller Coaster, Magic 8 Ball, Butthead Friend, or any of the other idiots in the man game of baseball I was playing. I didn't have to work at this one. Someone was mocking me about how we didn't actually go out for that long (basically questioning how I could possibly be upset) and he can stick it where the sun don't shine because it was the happiest month I've had in the longest time. That's reason enough to be heart-broken in my book. 

All of that being said, I'm still a bit hopeful (gosh darnit I'm freakin' hopeful even though I know I shouldn't be) that it's not the end. As far as I know no one turned off feelings. I have no reason to believe that his reasons are not accurate and sincere, which is why I can have that small touch of hope. But hey, if I'm wrong then scratch this whole g.d. paragraph but we were friends before, we're friends now, and we're on good terms. It's just always about timing and I'm open to the possibility that the timing will be right at some point. I've come to fully expect the worst in terms of men so I'm prepared for the timing to never be right but wouldn't it be great if it was? Wouldn't it be great if we could look back on this period of time, this blog post, and laugh at how far away and ridiculous it seems? Yerp, it would. 

I keep wondering and asking "why did this happen" or "why am I being put through this again" and I hate that I don't have a good answer yet. One of these days I'll figure it out. All I know is that this too shall pass. This knot in my stomach will go away. The welling of tears in my eyes will eventually stop waking me up in the morning. The terrible feeling in my throat will clear up. And the sound of his name will stop feeling like a dagger to the chest. This too shall pass.

What he's going through in his life right now will pass. The storm will settle and what's holding him back will pass....or I guess it might not, but so help me God I will be over it by then if that's the case. So while all of this stuff is passing, both mine and his, I will keep cruising along. I will give him space. Life goes on. Richard Bach once said, "If you love like a whole lot (like a lot a lot) something, set it free; if it comes back, it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was." My mom reminded me of that quote this week and well I guess that's all there is to it.

Sassarella Says...