It's a girl thing.

On the most recent episode of Lena Dunham's show, Girls, her character Hannah spends the entire episode with a very attractive doctor. They don't know each other very well at all, in fact they had just met, but she spends the next day or two at his apartment. They drink wine, they cook dinner, they play ping pong, and have lots of sex. Although about twenty years her senior, he makes her feel comfortable, asks her questions about her life, but dodges any questions relating to his own story. He tells her that he's separated from his wife, who now lives in San Diego, but not much more than that.

The episode ends with Hannah getting out of the shower, sitting on his bed, and confiding to him about how she feels lonely sometimes. It was as if the feeling just hit her in that moment and a rush of emotions poured out of her. Once she composed herself she looked up to see his freaked out face staring back at her and she was hit with the second realization of the hour, that they are actually strangers. She calls him out for making her feel one way but reacting quite oppositely when she lets her guard down but ultimately she spends the night, gets up the next morning to an empty apartment, leaves, and we are left assuming that she will not see him again. (We'll have to watch next week to know for sure but that's just my guess). 

As the credits rolled, by boyfriend commented, "That would never happen in real life, especially to her." My first instinct was to defend Lena Dunham because lord knows what I might look like onscreen...they say the camera adds ten pounds! However I refrained and focused more on the first part of the comment. I responded very calmly and sincerely, "I related to that entire episode." He was confused and quiet but asked me how. 

I was that girl, and still could be that girl if I didn't have him, who sometimes thought that anything was just crazy and random enough that it might work out. Here she meets a guy on the street and spends a weekend with him, who's to say that it wasn't meant to be? As for me, in college and as recently as a year ago, we lived through my dating madness where I existed on a fine line between lonely desperation, hopeful romanticism/optimism, and bitter jadedness. I fell somewhere in between all three, expressing and feeling bits and pieces of each emotional state. I overlooked minor warning signs on first dates that I would never overlook today for the sake wanting something to work out. Sometimes I claimed to just do things or date people for the stories (which there were many) but let's call a spade a spade, I wanted a boyfriend. Not to mention the fact that I always dated men a bit older than myself, like Hannah. During that time I rarely hesitated when asked to...oh I don't know...jump in the Potomac River in February wearing nothing but a bra and undies. Sure it made for a great story and an experience I'll have forever but in terms of a happy ending with the guy? Not so much. He was emotionally closed off but I looked past this, which he made easy to do, by always keeping me on my toes. We crashed fancy parties, went to nice dinners, and jumped into rivers so it was easy to forget that I actually hardly knew the real him.

I think a lot of women experience this same sentiment, especially in their twenties when life just seems oh so possible of anything! We're told that "it will happen when we least expect it" so why shouldn't we have hope that meeting a random guy at a coffee shop and spending a weekend naked playing ping pong with him will ever work out? If I had seen this episode years ago or if I wasn't lying next to my committed boyfriend, I probably would've been in tears watching the closing scenes. I felt like she wrote that episode about me. Anyway, it was somewhere around this way less detailed part of my explanation with my boyfriend that I saw his face was still quite puzzled and I simply said, "well there's a reason why it's called Girls, not Boys." He concurred and we ended the discussion there. 

I didn't bother to go into this amount of detail with him because I was pretty certain that by the end of any explanation I would be left with one reason for him, "it's a girl thing." Our highs and lows are so extreme in our twenties that when we're on a high with a guy, we grab on and try really hard not to let go because we know how low the low really is. The low means sappy songs, old episodes of One Tree Hill, and five more pounds around the waist. It's miserable, trust me I know. So we let ourselves get swept away in the hope that it might just work out this one time....because really, you only need it to work out once so why not now? We are naïve and blinded by our own spontaneity but looking back I really would not have it any other way. Sure I was les misérable a lot but I had a lot of fun too. And I think pretty importantly, I really know that I'm happy now because I can tell the difference from a time when I was faking it.

Sassarella Says...there's nothing wrong with having hope that the craziest of situations might work out. The problem arises when you've got no hope left. Hang in there, mAh LaDiEZ. 

Think, Process, Focus

It seems odd that when one's current relationship gets more serious that one would reflect back upon (or even dream about) a previous failed relationship. Well, as you can probably guess, this recently happened to me. I woke up feeling quite strange this morning having had a dream about a previous man candy while in bed with my current one. The odd part was that while this past "relationship" failed, the dude was uncharacteristically portrayed as an outgoing, overly-friendly, mature, and appealing guy. (Not to say that he doesn't embody some of that but certainly not all at the same time and to that degree)!

Dream: I'm at a reunion of sorts with a lot of mutual friends and we hadn't seen each other in awhile. I remember feeling relieved that the girlfriend he had before me wasn't there and I remember watching him briskly say hello to his most recent ex. The exchange was pleasant and easy, he seemed happy, which is not like him. He owned the room with his charisma and charm. He was floating around saying hello to everyone, making extensive conversation and laughing wildly, all of which he does not normally do. I remember attempting to walk by him with my head phones on (which I guess indicates my natural instinct to pretend like I don't see him), but I still smile and wave to be polite. Then he stops me, which would never happen in real life, and as he's pulling me in for a hug he says, "Ohh come on! Say hello to me, ya jerk!" It was all very playful and so unlike our normally awkward exchanges. He was smiling from ear to ear and when we pulled away from the hug, we just stared at each other for a second and then KISSED.

I woke up immediately after that bugging the eff out.

So me being me, I immediately turn to the Internet seeking answers and it turns out I'm not alone. Of course there are a ton of what ifs, but ifs, and only ifs but one explanation really stuck out. When your current relationship is getting more serious, your subconscious shows you examples, provides warnings, and sends messages. For example, instead of freaking out that this dream means I want him back (which I certainly DO NOT), I really thought about what the dream was showing me. The more I thought about it, the more I put some pieces together. I realized that not only was he portrayed completely inaccurately but that his mannerisms, the way he spoke, the way he smiled, and the way he kissed me, I mean every ounce of the way he behaved is that of my current man! CREEPY.

I realized that this dream, although creepy, was a message. It was confirming all of the character and personality traits that I love about my man and showed me that I'm not making the same mistakes as I did with the ex-boyfriend who was in the dream! As decisions get more intense and steps get more serious with my man these days, my subconscious sent me a confirming message that I made the right choice.

I'm patting myself on the back right now and I hope you are cyber-space high-fiving me! I also realllllly hope this is making as much sense as I want it to or else imma have a lot of 'splaining to do.

The only part that is bugging me about the dream is WHY HIM? Of all of the ex-boyfriends and former flings, why did my subconscious choose this guy? It made me wonder, how do you know when you are absolutely 100% over someone? You all know me well enough to know that if I weren't over him, I wouldn't be in this current relationship for as long as I have. I'm not a settler nor am I an idiot.

But is it about having closure? What if there really wasn't any closure? What if there wasn't an a-ha moment? What if we didn't have the big blow-out fight? What if he didn't do anything soOoOo horrible to me that I could never forgive and forget? It just kinda pooped out.

I guess you don't ever really know for sure but what you can be sure of is your present. My present is what matters and I have unflagging certainty that I am in the right relationship at the right time.

Sassarella Says...that's all I got. Love ya.

Sigh No More

I walked into a Nine West a little bit ago (no, not to shop, don't be silly...all I can do is look and admire) and I was greeted by a friendly looking man in a suit. Clearly, it was the day that Nine West was having a visit from corporate. Anyway, he did not greet me with the usual, "Hiiii! WELCOME TO NINE WEST!!" He greeted me with a large sigh, he waited for me to respond, and when I simply stared blankly and gave an awkward smile back, he began to laugh. "Bad joke, sorry," he said as he pointed to my shirt. "Oh! (haha) sorry, I'm not all here today," I responded before he laughed again and let me to know to call him if I needed anything. I was in such a zone and in such a daze that I wasn't even aware that my shirt read, "Sigh No More." Never mind the irony of "Sigh No More" which could be interpreted as worry no more....

I browsed around and walked out thinking about how that was the icing on the cake given the past couple of weeks I had had. I was constantly preoccupied. I was having conversations but not really having conversations because I was so in my own head. I couldn't seem to relax or turn my brain off whether it was job related, health related, where I want to live related, or relating to my relationships...friends, family, boy, etc. Should I this? Should I that? Well what if "A" happens, unless "B" happens first because then I want "C" to happen. And this wasn't going on simply in times of acceptable reflection but even in times of company, it was stupid. It kept my up at night but made me want to sleep all day in an attempt to avoid it all.

Lol. A total exaggeration but I couldn't resist.

If I work here then I can't work there but I still want to work there so now what?

If I live here then I won't live there. When can I live there? Should I stay here? What will happen if I go? What will happen if I stay?

If it all turns out this way then I'll have to go that way but how will I get there? Will I have to take off of work? I don't want to take off of work.

I haven't called back. Do it today? No can do. Do it tomorrow? Maybe. It's tomorrow. Ugh ok, do it tomorrow. Hopefully.

Of course I've censored (and shortened) every thing that I thought about all the g.d. time for the sake of my own privacy and for your interest in reading this, because on the verge of a meltdown I actually sat up and said out loud to myself, "SHUT UP!!!!"

However, this week, times have changed. I'm settling into a new full-time job and getting the lay of the land. I am forming new routines and thankfully, new sleeping patterns! I'm actually falling asleep around midnight, instead of 3am or later. I'm back into exercising and eating healthier foods. I'm drinking more water and feeling more energized throughout most of the day. I have a sense of calmness that I've never had before. I have a job that means a steady and reliable income and benefits. I still have my bartending job because I love it and because at this point, I need all the income I can get. I still see my friends here who technically have a completely opposite schedule than I do. And I realized this week that it really is weird to go to sleep without him next to me...not just in a cute way but in a, wow I'm so comfortable in this relationship kind of way. Mozel!

This isn't a motivational, time heals all, this too shall pass post because we all have to go through our sh!t and figure out it as it comes but I'm sure as hell happy to be on the other side of last month. I can't tell you what to do when every little detail of your life overwhelms you (I usually recommend Fireball) because I didn't know what to tell myself. All I know is that it can't last forever.

Sassarella Says...so be happy for me, damnit!

Is it them or is it us?

"Is it them or is it us?" I whispered to my boyfriend while seated at a table of four other couples. I couldn't help but notice that we were visably the only pair who was touching each other almost the entire time. Gross, C, really? But not in a dirty way but rather in a, I'm completely aware of who is sitting beside me kind of way. Throughout the meal, either he had a hand on my knee, I had a hand on his arm, or we were leaning over for the occasional peck on the lips. Reading what I just typed makes me want to smack myself, "You can't even sit and eat without PDA?" Seriously? Unfortunately, anyone who has spent time with us as a couple knows that PDA was once an issue. My boyfriend blames it on that fact that he is Hispanic and it's simply part of his culture to be touchy-feely and lovey-dovey, but at one time we did need to have a sit down about what is appropriate and what is not. Fortunately, I think those same people are pleasantly surprised by how quickly we snapped into action to make everyone feel more comfortable without losing our ability to show our attraction to each other in public.

However, this leads me to my question, "is it them or is it us?" Are we the minority when it comes to this behavior? I've always known my parents to be very affectionate towards each other. As a kid I hoped for less of it but I know that they have a great marriage and there is not a doubt in my mind about why; they show their affection for each other constantly. Not that it is the only factor but in order for any relationship to make it long term, a constant needs to be an intense attraction to each other. Sometimes (and by sometimes I mean always) when my man is walking behind me he grabs my ass and when I push his hand away or protest in embarrassment, he'll say, "One day I'll stop doing that and you're gonna be all, 'remember when you used to grab my ass? Why don't you do that anymore?'" And he's right. So what is so wrong with that? Why is it that at a table of four other couples did I not see routine affection from them? Not even a side hug.

Although now that I'm thinking about it, I guess there could have been some knee touching or some hand holding going on under the table but not in the way that we were. We're never shy about it. Actually to be honest, he's never shy about it. Sometimes he mocks me because he'll lean in for the 20th kiss in a 20 minute period of time and I groan or hesitantly kiss him back. He'll say, "Ohhhhh I know, it's just horrible that he wants to kiss me all the time. Why does he love me so much? It's terribleeee." He attempts his best mocking me tone and it's getting better with time but it does make me wonder. Why is it so terrible? It's not. Which leads me to ask yet again, "is it them or is it us?" Is there more affection going on than I'm aware of and I'm simply more aware of our affections because we were called out on them? I'm just not sure. What I do know is this: all couples are different and can operate successfully in different dynamics, a strong attraction is vital, and if I'm 75 years old and whoever my guy is still wants to grab my old, flat ass then we must be doing something right.

Sassarella says...I think it's them. Or maybe it's us.

Less Monumental Happenings

There are milestones in relationships that help us gauge what level of the relationship you are at with the other person. I just experienced a milestone; he gave me a drawer of his dresser. He was so matter-of-fact about it too, "Hey I made space in this drawer here...(pause, because I did not immediately react)...as in, you can put things in it."

"You're giving me a drawerrrrrr," I exclaimed slash whined in a girly high-pitched voice meaning to convey, "ain't you the sweetest!" It hadn't even occurred to me to ask for space to put things. Awhile back I brought a toiletry bag and a towel over to leave there but now I have a whole drawer? I've never been given a drawer before but what's funny is that the exclamation slash whine in a girly high-pitched voice was more for show than anything else. What I mean by that is, offering up space in your dresser or closet to your significant other, we are told, is a way of showing your commitment and is meant to really mean something but I didn't need a drawer to know that about him. He shows his commitment to me and his love for me in such better ways than a drawer. I love the drawer, don't get me wrong, and I love that I didn't have to ask for it and that he was the one to think of it but it felt a little matter-of-fact for me too.

Of course it got me thinking about other milestones like meeting the parents, giving the other person a key to your place, moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, having children, etc. I also started to think about less monumental milestones (maybe we should call them happenings), for instance, the first time you get invited to a party as a couple, the first time you go away together, the first time you know what he'll want to order at a restaurant and you order it, the first time you go out with a couple who is together a shorter amount of time than you are, you get the point. These are all instances when you are fully aware of the fact that you are in a relationship. For someone who hasn't been in a relationship in years, these are happenings that I am very aware of and enjoy. However what I love about this relationship is that they seem secondary to the big picture. They seem like the drawer, very matter-of-fact in that we've got one big milestone down already (we've both met the parents) and I, holy sh!t balls, see potential in other big milestones. We've both hinted at this but never actually say anything as a definite, for obvious reasons, but seeing potential of other big milestones makes the less monumental happenings very matter-of-fact.

I can remember being with guys who if they had given me a drawer, it would have been the biggest and most important day in the relationship thus far because I would finally know that he feels a commitment. I've always had to fight for confirmation from past sig-o's about how they feel about me and where they see things going but not now. The less monumental happenings in my current situation are wonderful but I have a duhh feeling towards them. Duh, we have stuff in drawers at each other's places. Duh, we'll be at your party on Sunday. Duh, he'll have a Miller Lite, a shot of Jameson, and if that has shrimp in it, he'll have it!

So what I'm concluding from all of this is that being offered a drawer in your boyfriend's dresser should be sweet, thoughtful, and meaningful but not monumental. I understand that not everyone has a way with words and can convey a message clearly so maybe offering a drawer at that time is monumental but at some point there's gotta be more. There has to be that direct verbal communication of feelings, "I love you, you mean the world to me, and I'm not going anywhere." To me, that's the only way you get to those real milestones. When I'm 80 years old I'm going to remember the day he (whoever he is) met my parents, our first apartment, and the day we got engaged as opposed to the first time I knew he would want the shrimp cocktail or perhaps even the day he gave me a drawer in his dresser.

Sassarella Says...as meaningful as it is that I have my own drawer in his space, I know that if I wanted to bring 3 drawers full of things, every hair product, stick of make-up, and shoe I own over to his place that he would have it. Giving me a drawer was more about him wanting me to be comfortable so that I will be over as often as humanly possible. And he knows as well as I do that it was not about either of us needing to confirm our commitment and love for each other because we do that in more milestone-style of ways.

I'm A Little Weird Without You Here.

There is a Swedish proverb that reads, "love me when I least deserve it because that is when I need it the most." I sometimes reflect on this proverb as I can be, let's say, challenging to deal with on certain days. I'm up, I'm down, I'm hot, I'm cold...you get the point. Thankfully, I think most people, not just women, could describe themselves as challenging but in the last few days I'm learning something new about myself in that regard. How very 7th Heaven of me, right? Anyway, I'm learning, yet again, that I'm not quite as grown up as I thought. I'm realizing that as many times as he can say, "This is new for me, I've never felt this way about someone so tell me how all of this is supposed to go" that I'm in the same boat. Certain situations of a relationship are situations that he will know how to navigate through better than I will and that irritates me. I'm not used to having to learn things through the help of another fehh! I'll learn it on my own, thank you very much. I'm not used to interacting on a daily basis with someone who in some ways, not all, is more mature than I am. I've got how to handle the immature brats down pat! But specifically speaking to my current situation, I now know what he's known all along....to truly appreciate the time we spend together. Seems simple right? When I'm crabby, tired, and things aren't going my way, I tend to act like a stubborn 5 year old, except a lot more bitchy but he always remains calm. He puts up with it, for God knows what reason but he does and I'm thankful.

He is away for a few days, in a place with limited communication and I miss him. The first day he was gone, I walked past places and did things that we might go to and do together. All of a sudden it felt like we had broken up, which felt awful. Obviously we are not broken up and I backed my way off the ledge a few seconds later but it made me realize how much more I need to appreciate the time we spend together. Trust me, we take advantage of the fact that we live in the same city, have similar work schedules, and can see each other probably more often than we should but do I really appreciate it? Maybe not always. There may be times when I take it for granted.

I'm not promising that I won't ever be crabby, tired, or bitchy in his presence because when two people spend as much time together as we do, it's bound to happen. However I am promising to be more aware of it. The honeymoon phase is still looming, and these instances of bitchiness are not as frequent as it might appear through this post but when thinking about the ratio, I'm certainly in the lead.

This all got me thinking about the concepts of appreciation and taking advantage. It sits well in the bar industry as well. When it's busy, we are all happy to work because the rush is exhilarating and you know you're making bank. However when the night starts slow and remains pretty slow, instead of appreciating the few customers who do come in, you want to punch them. When it's slow, it makes you not want to do anything at all so we take for granted the small number of customers we actually have.

In terms of those standing on the other side of the bar, the thing I hate the most to hear from people is, "Can I get a discount?" or "If you charge me less, I'll tip you more...." People please, I know how it works. I have a love/hate relationship with the crowd that comes into the bar. I know a lot of them, I used to have friends just like them, and simply put, we are dependent on them for business...hence, the love. But holy hell, the hatred. The hatred that they can be so ignorant is beyond me. They take for granted the environment we set up for them that is safe and fun. They take advantage of the breaks we all sometimes cut for them and few of them genuinely appreciate the service we provide them.

Speaking of Georgetown (oops, I guess the cat is outta the bag), I share the same sentiment about my time at Georgetown U. As a student, you take advantage of the hours you have to BS with your friends on the stoop of Saxby's, of how prestigious your education really is, and of the ease of having your gym, laundry room, cafeteria, library, and bar within a 5 minute walk from where you live. You take advantage of the quiet time in the library, of the fact that you don't have a single thing to do on Fridays and that Senior Week is hands down the most surreal week of your life thus far. It's only after I have left school that I can appreciate all of those times and more. I look out at the crowd on a Friday night knowing that they really don't appreciate just how good they have it right now.

Sassarella Says...it's gotta be a maturity thing, as most things I write about are. Acting like a brat is selfish behavior which helps me understand why in those moments I, and the others I just wrote about, have a hard time seeing the bigger picture. I am in my own selfish and bratty world, not realizing that HELLO! Sassarella, you're taking advantage of the first good one to come along because you know he isn't going anywhere. How immature is that?! I'm honestly a little embarrassed to even write it because I get it now; the grown up thing to do is to appreciate and not take the good one, the bartenders, the college experience, or whatever person, place, or thing relates to you for granted. UHH DUHH.

How Fast Do You Fall?

The first time I fell hard and fast. A little less than a month into dating him I knew I loved him and that he loved me too. The second time I was in love was a slow progression over time. I loved him because of our history and because of our story. And the third time I fell in love, I fell hard and fast again. Exactly a month into it, I could feel myself starting to fall just as he was pulling away. So how fast do you fall? Seems to me that when I know, I fall right into it very early on. No one knows when a person to love is going to come along but when it does, ya just friggen know. You can feel it.

....Or do you? It would take a lot of authority for me to say that that's the only way I can fall in love because who the hell really knows. I mean clearly it's not the only way because there was one who I loved over time and not off the bat, however I would say that I always felt a strong pull towards him. He protected me, or so I thought he did. Anyway, that's besides the point and the point is that I'm wondering how fast do you fall in love? How long does it take you? Does it take awhile because I would love a definitive answer to this question. Should I be in love by now? Should I not? Is it okay that I'm not? And could I be in the future? These are all questions that I am usually able to just intuitively know the answers to but every now and then I question myself and I start to look at each piece of the puzzle.

When I'm in love, I get giddy knowing that I know your favorite flavor of Snapple, Smart Water, or Gatorade.

When I'm in love, I will always want to hold your hand in the car.

When I'm in love, I need to hear you say, "What will make me happy is to see you happy."

When I'm in love, I want everyone to know about it. I want them to know that this stud, yeah that one right there, chose me.

When I'm in love, I blush when I can see you subtly showing me off to your friends and family.

When I'm in love, I get excited for a weekly date night.

When I'm in love, I hate saying goodbye to you. Even if it's just for a few hours.

When I'm in love, I love assuming and telling people, "oh yeah, we'll both be there."

When I'm in love, I'm comforted knowing how I'm getting home and who I'm going there with.

When I'm in love, I want to take showers with you.

When I'm in love, I'm impressed when you try to impress me.

When I'm in love, I like to keep things at your place because we know I'll be there anyway.

When I'm in love, I'm satisfied knowing that even when you're not saying a word I know what you're thinking.

When I'm in love, I want to dress up for you.

And when I'm in love, I really want you to know about it and for you to be in love with me too.

Ok great but so what? I don't have to be in love with a person to know his favorite flavor of Smart Water. So is it possible to be in love, or potentially in the future, if some of those things aren't true at the moment? My gut says no and my gut is rarely, if ever, wrong. But what if I really want to be in love and really want all of those things to be true? Can it happen...maybe one day...eventually...how about down the road?

Sassarella Says...my gut still says no.

I think.

"Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind" - Keith Urban

Feeling oh so uninspired to write, yet knowing this is the only day I have free to get something off the ground, I frantically searched blogs, read articles, and listened to the most random music on my iTunes hoping for something to inspire me. When I finally found it, I felt a little sick and quite frustrated but ultimately motivated. Remember this girl? The blogger who is in a relationship with a former booty call of mine? Ehem, let me re-phrase, the blogger who is in a relationship with a former booty call of mine WHILE HE WAS STILL MY BOOTY CALL!! I only found out he was in a relationship based on her blog.....like really with this technology sh!t. Well in the months since I've written about her, they have broken up (WAHOOOO! Thank god she's free of this man) but have since gotten back to together on and are still unhappy blah biddy blahh biddy blah.

Anyway, as I read another saga about how their Valentine's Day was a failure and how giving their relationship a THIRD try isn't going so well (shocker, I know), one thing hit a nerve. She mentioned some of the ridiculous and careless words they threw at each other, including how he told her that her blog is a "relationship killer" and that she should take it down.

Ok, so now not only are you a cheating d-bag but you dare to throw daggers at her blog! I should mention that she is currently writing a book based off of it aka you are disgracing her passion and what she hopes will bring her success and satisfaction. What an ass.

Obviously I can relate to his opinion that it is a relationship killer but I can also appreciate her desire to keep it up and running (so help me if she ever takes it down, I'll cyberspace punch her). When it came to the guy who made the man in the pit of my stomach go crazy, I never wrote about it until it was over. Once it was over, I took some heat from our mutual friends for so publicly expressing my feelings. They felt it was weird and uncomfortable, since of course they knew who I was talking about. I didn't care because this is how I work through my sh!t. This is how I get it all out of my system and it worked.

#SorryNotSorry

It was easy when I was dating guys who I knew would never see what I wrote without my permission. We didn't know a lot of the same people, nor were we Facebook friends, which made it very easy to write about them freely and honestly. I guess there have been times that I've written about guys who I know will read it, like Roller Coaster and Bob, but I only had to answer to them and a few close friends who were on my side. In the last six months that I've lived in DC that is not the case. Between the guy who made the man in the pit of my stomach go crazy and whatever is presently happening, I can't write sh!t. Why? Because it is a relationship killer. Relationships, whether we like it or not, are games that we play like chess players. Who is going to text first? Do we see each other too much? Should I pull back? Is he avoiding me? Am I avoiding him? That being said, if I were to write in detail about what is going on and how I'm feeling about it then I lose my hand. I lose my power.

Additionally, there is more to said here about privacy, dignity, and preservation of character. When I know that an entire culture (mob, crew, social circle) of people will know exactly what he's saying and doing in the privacy of our time that's no bueno. Some of you might be wondering how I can say that and yet I wrote so much about the guy who made the man in the pit of my stomach go crazy and here's my simple little answer: he really pissed me off. But good thing we're past that....

The moral of the story is that I've got blogger problems. The first one is that the area of inspiration these days is one that I cannot write about. And the second one is figuring out deep down why I can't write about it. Is what I would write something too revealing, too brutally honest, and possibly hurtful for whomever it is about? Which would make this blog a relationship killer. I mean I'm even censoring myself right now. I took out a few sentences and re-worded this paragraph at least twice! Or is it simply that what I would write about is none of anyone in that culture's (aka bar crew of people's) damn business? It's the first rule of fight club, you don't talk about it. You don't talk about your love life whether they know the guy or they don't because when they are given too much information based on what I write, then this blog becomes a relationship killer.

Sassarella Says...ugh. The most frustrating thing for a blogger is censorship, especially when you are censoring yourself for the sake of another.

Hey, Have You Heard? Sassarella is Back, Biotches.

In the last month I have only sat down to write twice and both times came up with something so mediocre that I didn't even bother to post it. I've been in a rut. Someone asked me where Sassarella has been and the answer that came immediately to mind was, "I have nothing to say right now." I'm always working and when I'm not working I'm either at yoga or partying, neither of which typically inspire too many blog posts. However, in the last month I have heard a lot of things that have either made me laugh, cry, or simply struck a cord....

"Can you help me? I've never had a boyfriend so I'm not sure how these boyfriend style jeans are supposed to look. Do you like them?" ~ most adorable girl in her mid-twenties shopping at Loft

"I need to call my boyfriend, he'll know what to do. I'm gonna have to transfer! My parents are going to kill me! I'm supposed to be watching after my sister and now she's here getting stitches. It is a big deal! It is a big deal! You don't understand, people are laughing at me, but you don't understand. My parents went to Vanderbilt and I go to GW, which is so much worse. They're going to make me transfer!!!" ~ girl at the GW emergency room in the next bed over from me, uncontrollably sobbing of course

"YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US!!!!!" ~ Dani, Brittany, and myself

"Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut through the mess,
and stop the muscle that makes us confess" ~ Ingrid Michaelson, Breakable


"You have so many weapons, most of which
you don't even know are weapons." ~ Ceze to the Eeze

"Looks like boo is duncan hines!!" ~ Mensing

"Fools in love, are there any creatures more pathetic?

....I should know because this fool's in love again." ~ Inara George, Fools in Love

"I think you're phenomenal." ~ Wouldn't you like to know

"What time did we leave last night?"

"It must have been pretty late, the bar was definitely closed."

"Yeah well I mean one bartender gave me a ride and you went home with the other one....so yeah, I'd say it was pretty late."

"WOW, are we classy or what?!" ~ take a wild guess

"WOO WOO WAHHHHH!" ~ Oscar on my love, Zack Ryder, getting hurt on Monday Night Raw

"I'm the mayor of Love in Homeless Places, bitch." ~ Me to Gus

"However far away, I will always love you." ~ Adele, Lovesong

"So, you're pretty much being the worst person alive. Yes you are." ~ Brittany

"Can I keep you?" ~ Confidential

"It was so nice to meet your parents. Are they married a long time because you can really see the connection. All three of you seemed very well connected, it was nice." ~ my manager at Loft

"I find you so much less attractive now
because I know you slept with him." ~ B.K.

"She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. When I think back, things that I wasn't happy about had to line up for us to be together and I couldn't be happier now that they did. I really believe I am the luckiest guy in the world" ~ If it's not a pail, then it's gotta be a....

"I could start fires with what I feel for you" ~ David Ramirez, Fires

"I want your boobs. I'm gonna play my sexy time play list. Can us four get a house together?!" ~ Car Bomb Kate 2008

And finally, "history repeats itself, why is Brady wearing Uggs for men?!" ~ Missy Modell, The GMEN Are Back Again

Sassarella Says....I haven't been particularly happy or unhappy recently. I'm in a state of limbo, teetering from happy one day and frustrated or upset the next. This is partly because I'm exhausted, but also because...because...of a lot of things. I'm not loving my retail job, Rhino has slowed down since football ended, and I just can't seem to get my love life under control. I act irrationally and impulsively. I miss my Jersey friends, I miss Luc, and I want this one particular job really badly but I know it's not going to happen over night. I'm not happy that I rarely have a day to myself, therefore I don't write blog posts and my apartment is always mess. However, I am happy when I am with my friends and we're belting Taylor Swift songs at Kandi & Pipers Mac N Chz Palace or when we're re-capping a great night. I am happy that the GIANTS won the Super Bowl and on Friday nights when I get to bartend. I'm happy when he's tickling me at 7am and when the guys are teasing me about nothing. I am happy that my parents came to town, that Pinkberry always hits the spot, and that I'm finally getting back into shape since the holiday season is over. As I sit here and think about it, it's not that I need to teeter the seesaw to happy because like I said, I'm not unhappy, but rather I'd like to tip it over to stability. I am happy when I am overall stable with spurts of spontaneity. Hopefully one of these days I will have just that.

Sassarella, Don't Believe Everything You Think

"Intimacy is a four syllable word for, 'here's my heart and soul, 

please grind them into a hamburger and enjoy.' 

It's both desired and feared. 

Difficult to live with and impossible to live without." 

- Grey's Anatomy

And that is right where I find myself these days; desiring intimacy for it is impossible to live without yet fearing it because of just how difficult it is to live with. I'm not sure if it's an age, a lifestyle, or a personal issue but I'm going to assume that it's a combination of all three. I'm also going to assume that I'm not alone in this.

How did I get to this place? If you read this g.d. thing on a consistent basis you can probably already answer that question without me having to write a post about it. However, what fun would that be? Zero fun, sir. So here it goes.

I'm in love limbo. I really want intimacy but I'm scared of it. Most days I'm content having fun with my friends, staying busy working three jobs and yet I still crave it. I got to this place because of the absolutely effed up process of falling in and out of love. The painful, mind-boggling, and backwards aspects of the process are what put me here.

For instance, why is it that when I really start to care about you, you start to care less? Am I really not supposed to show I care just so you continue to mildly care? How does that make any sense at all? Oh right...IT DOESN'T. I really don't know how to put up walls, I've never been good at it, but if I don't you will definitely leave. I have yet to see something contrary. However, I know that on occasion, I do the exact same thing to others that you did to me. It's stupid.

Reflecting on what I just wrote the only answer that makes sense is either, "you're just not that into me" or "I'm just not that into you." If you loved me more, it wouldn't have scared you seeing just how much I cared about you. If you loved me more, it wouldn't have mattered that I changed my plans to be with you or that I excessively groomed and primped before seeing you or that I looked at you in that way that I look at people I love because you would have loved me too. If you loved me more, we would probably be together right now.

If I loved you more, I would love that you changed your plans to be with me. If I loved you more, I would love that you're willing to do anything to make it work. If I loved you more, I would love that you love me in that can't hear a song without thinking of me, can't fall asleep without seeing my face, and can't wake up without wondering what I'm doing today kinda way. If I loved you more, all of that would give me the butterfly feeling I felt for someone else but it doesn't. If I loved you more, we would be together right now.

Thankfully I've come to terms with all of that and I've accepted that you weren't that into me. Ironically I'm less okay with the opposite situation because as painful as it is to accept rejection, it's pretty painful rejecting someone else (especially when I know it's partly because of my own shortcomings at the moment). But what I find to be particularly effed up is that this is how all of my relationships, flings, courtships, or whatevers have gone with the exception of maybe Johnny Espo in the 8th grade and the Tim McGraw boyfriend. Either I start to show that I really care and he jumps ship or I'm not that into it from the beginning (and I can tell he's really into it) so I don't even let it up off the ground.

That being said, it feels like the next time I'll be in a healthy relationship is going to be with the guy I marry. No, you're not seeing things, I said MARRY. With every failed fling or relationship and with every month that passes I lose hope of meeting the in between guy. The guy who I date for a year or two before meeting the one. I can't fathom that I'm the type of person to meet the one at twenty-three or twenty-four years old so does this mean I'll be relatively speaking alone for the next 5-8 years until I'm at an acceptable age to meet him? That can't be but it feels that way.

I don't go into relationships or flings at this age thinking he's the one but what I'm meaning to say is that it never works out until one day (supposedly) it finally does. And since things only seem to work out for me every five years, I'm due for it to work out in another two years, which could be an acceptable age to meet the be all end all guy. (Meet him at 25, date a few years, get engaged...yeah, that works). However, what's another two years? I'll still be kind of a kid and could potentially still not be interested in marriage. It's like when you were in middle school and were sure that by the time you graduated from college that you'd be this well-rounded, put together, grown-up adult. It's all about perspective. Ugh ok cool so what's left for me now? The limbo. Craving and wanting intimacy so badly it brings me to tears but shying away from it because I'm either not that into it or because I'm in no mood to get up for the let down.

Another fact to back up my horrifying thought process on how I'm going to be alone for at least another two years, if not longer, is that I'm not willing to settle. If I wanted a boyfriend simply to have a boyfriend right now, I could have one. I'm not saying that to be cocky or obnoxious but anyone can be in a relationship if she is willing to be someone that she doesn't really like or doesn't really make her happy. I don't want just any relationship though, I want a meaningful, happy, and healthy one. I'm the person who would rather be alone and blog about it than be in any old half-assed relationship. So doesn't that make you think? If I were to be in a meaningful, happy, and healthy relationship right now then why wouldn't it be one that lasts....say for a lifetime? Just a thought. Is it possible to be in a meaningful, happy, and completely healthy relationship without it being with the one? I thought I was still young enough to find out but suddenly that doesn't feel like it's in the cards for me. I'm suddenly feeling too practical and too self-assured to fall in love with anyone who isn't all of the things that I want and need.

Yeah, yeah, that's what single people say to make ourselves feel better ;-)

Obviously I'm writing as though love is black and white, which is it very far from. I am also very aware that I don't know everything and I have no idea what is in store for me, this is simply how I feel at the moment. If you hear that I'm in a relationship a month from now just know that I'm level-headed enough to realize that he may not be the one but that for the time being he's making me happy and things appear to be healthy. Capisce?

Sassarella Says...until then, I'm going to enjoy being the happiest birthday weekend girl in the world! Partaaay partaaaay tonight! I think this occasion calls for some fake eyelashes, some Stoli-O, and good friends! Good talk, see ya out there.

"Love is a friendship set on fire" - Jeremy Taylor

The age old question: can men and women be friends? (Watch that clip, it explains life pretty well). But anyway, I mean real friends, like tell each other everything, spend a lot of time together, and share real experiences. Not just the kind of friends you have when you're out drinking or working, etc. I tend to believe not. I tend to believe that one or both parties always want to have sex with the other person. Of course there are exceptions to this rule, for instance, a homosexual man and a woman can be friends but let's just assume I'm talking about two heterosexual human beings. My theory was proved to be correct when I spent time over my Christmas vacation with a very good friend, who I used to date, then didn't anymore, then wanted to but didn't, then he did but I didn't, and yada friggen yada. Since almost all of my relationships are up and down, back and forth, I will give you a hint...I'm talking about THIS one aka Bob. Since the summer debacle, we have become very good friends. We talk pretty regularly when I'm in DC, we are there for each other for late-night drama support, and we swap music. I knew things could get interesting as I headed home to the dirty Jerz for Christmas.

We saw each other a few times. The first time was very friendly. We sat on opposite sides of the couch, watched television, caught up on life, but mainly just goofed around singing along to Lady Gaga. To describe the level of comfort between us, I'll put it this way, I did not hesitate to walk in his front door exclaiming, "I just had dinner at Nonna's and have a massive food baby!" I looked at him several times over the course of the night really trying to figure out if the guy I was looking at is a guy I'm meant to be with or if he's really and truly just a very good friend. I was extremely curious as the week went on and continued to see him in an attempt to figure it out.

The next time I saw him we were dressed and looking hot for a night out with all of our friends. We got drunk, talked about "us," and kissed in the rain (of course we did). And then of course this whole "we're really good friends" thing got fuzzy. We met up the next day to talk about what happened but I pushed for the group hang out for a bit longer. I wanted more time to gather my thoughts more clearly and I wanted to just let it flow, I was having fun with the guys. Later on our talk consisted of him telling me how serious he is this time that I am what he wants. And although I have little reason to trust him, I do. I can see it in his face, in his eyes, and hear it in his voice that he means it this time. He's not messing around. As for me, within the conversation I still could not make up my mind about him (shocker!) but what I was, and am still certain of, are the following: we live in different places with very little opportunity to see each other, the time we spent together over this past week was easier, more comfortable, and felt more right than it has in years, but that I don't want to be in a relationship with anymore at the moment (especially one that is long distance), and that clearly men and women cannot be friends.

Other than that, I'm not quite sure of anything. I was curious enough to keep seeing him all week but would shy away from making too much of a physical connection. This confused me because I am so comfortable with him. I didn't expect anything life changing to happen but I actually found myself very shy in that regard. A contributing factor is absolutely my hesitation about making physical connections to anyone right now. I'm more guarded than I've ever been in my entire life and only plan on letting the guard down for something or someone I'm certain I want to commit to %150. Another factor is helllooooo we were limited to our parents' basements...very high school and very out of my element these days but it's mainly the previous reason. I'm attracted to him but I'm also very aware of the consequences should we decide it's not what we want.

We parted on a good note. I believe this: I have no idea what will come of this "friendship" but what I do know is that should it never turn into something more than a great friendship, we both had a lovely holiday. I've never been more of a believer in "what's meant to be will be" than in this stage of life so that's how I have to look at this situation.

Now in true Sassarella form, which he knows all too well, I am almost completely incapable of holding anything back on this g.d. blog so here it goes. Why am I hesitating? There is the obvious reason: location, location, location! We live in different places and I have no intention in the near future of changing that. The other obvious reason: I'm in no place to make a commitment to anyone at the moment. I am very content on my own. And then there are the girly, outlandish, and somewhat looney toon reasons. See the thing about him is that because we have so much history, because I know exactly how he feels, and because I know that he is a great guy, that committing to a relationship with him means potentially committing for quite a long haul. I know he could be going into it like THIS.IS.IT (or we would both at least have the thought every now and then) - we've got our great story, we both want to own a friggen restaurant, and we'd finally be on the same page. I'm his lobster!

But as much as I like him (or could like him should anything happen), I can't quite see that yet. I think that not being able to see that yet is totally acceptable for a 22 year old woman but to tell you the truth, I still have this vision. I have a vision of this tall 27 year old, wearing a great coat, with a fabulous head of hair, and a scarf walking into a trendy bar and asking me out. I have a vision of this person, who of course doesn't really have a face but is just kind of a blur, asking me out and then getting that feeling like "no, now see, this is really it." This faceless man always appears to me in times like this when I find myself hesitating.

I know he (the real life person) will read this post so the last thing I want to do is make him feel as though he's competing with a faceless man because that's not the case. My point is that, and this is nothing he doesn't know, that I'm hesitating for all kinds of logical and crazy reasons but am still curious enough to let it play out. And like I said to him, that knowing us, even if it fizzles for the time being, I'm sure we'll try it again in another year! (lol) But really, we do this every like 6 months, it's ridiculous.

Anyway, Sassarella Says...with very few exceptions, men and women cannot be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. He and I try to be friends but always end up making out in the rain and questioning our friend relationship all over again! Also, in this case, taking a chance is not an option. We've hurt each other too many times to simply give it a try and see what happens. To be in a relationship with him would be like wanting a tattoo on my face, I gotta be fully committed. So until I see his specific eyes, noes, and mouth as the faceless man (and I'm not saying that won't be the case one day) that I have to let it lie. If you're hesitating at all about something, it's probably for a good reason so pay attention to it! I'm hesitating right now for geographical and fantastical reasons, therefore, I know that it's not right to fully commit to him, to us, or to our potential future. That's not to say that my hesitations won't go away but for now what we've agreed to do is all I have to give. I can't force myself to give more, I can't force us to live in the same place, and I can't force the feeling that's not letting me fully commit to go away. And that's just that.

P.S. I was explaining some of this to my mom last night and
we had a very Seinfeld moment. "Really?" she asked. 

"That's so funny you say that because I keep seeing this Audi commercial 

but the first time I saw it, for whatever I had the thought,  'this is Christie's guy' 

like this is the kinda guy she'll bring home. Six feet tall, the jacket, the scarf..."
Of course if my life was an episode of Seinfeld, I would meet him on the
street, date him for awhile but eventually decide he's not quite sponge-worthy!

After we watched it on YouTube, she made sure to mention that on tv

they cut out the part when he's stupidly waving in the window,

"Oh, I've never seen the part when he looks stupid, your guy won't be stupid"

Soooo does anyone know his name and number?

"I've had mine, you've had yours, we both know" - Drake & Rihanna

In my last post I included a quote that I want to look at more closely:

"Once you had the pieces put back together, even though you may look intact, 

you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall." - Jodi Picoult

I find this so interesting because I'm not accustomed to being the one who has issues. Ok, that's a strong statement but it was ironic how on Friday night I went from watching him for signs that he's not over his ex to feeling a tear stream down my face because he couldn't kiss me quite like the last guy. I was ready to write him off because I felt like, yet again, I was involving myself with a broken person. A person who's heart I didn't break but would have to deal with. I was afraid that I was getting involved with a person who wouldn't let me show him that not all women are crazy biotches and yet, I ended up being the one who freaked out.

Until this point, despite all of the ridiculous, sometimes traumatizing, and often down right illogical things that guys have pulled on me, I still manage to throw myself whole-heartedly into the next one. I've made jokes like, "Am I just that g.d. healthy?!" Sometimes I would even wish that I could be more closed off and skeptical in order to prevent someone else from hurting me but time and time again, I dive right back in. How annoying is that?

"Take Care" by Drake and Rihanna

Yes, I'm still in love with this song.

A couple of weeks ago, my dad advised me to not let the guy who made the little man in the pit of my stomach go crazy get the best of me. To not let him change me and my approach to love, relationships, happiness, etc. He advised me to not let myself be closed off from someone new. As he spoke, I teared up (mostly because at the time it was a fresh wound that I was totes not anywhere near over) but in the back of my mind, I knew that it's not my M.O. to be that way anyway. But then Friday night happened. Friday night freaked me out a little bit because I was closed off. Maybe if the physical chemistry was better it would've been a different story but I've never experienced that before. I've really and truly never in my entire life had the experience of being the girl too hung up to move on with someone new. It was weird and I hated it. I don't want to just look intact, I want to be intact. Did this most recent fall really affect me more than the others? Let's find out.

There's the ex who could never make up his mind. (He fo sho inspired that little post called "Sassarella, I love you BUT...." that you all loved so much). Anyway, break up with me once, I'm heart-broken. Get back together. Break up with me twice, I'm confused, a little heart-broken, and a lot pissed off. Spend the next few months trying to win me back, I give in and get back together. A few months later, I break up with him. In the next few years, we maintained minimal contact, sometimes expressing he misses me and sometimes not. Fast forward a few years and we ended up at this blog post, remember this one? I say okay, he says no, and then I move away. And currently there's more talk of things that are too present to write about. Anyway, you get the point. It's a freakin' merry-go-round! Up, down, back and forth, hot and cold...yikes-a-bunga!

There's the ex who I'm completely over. I fell hard and fast. I loved him with every fiber of my being until one day I just couldn't do it anymore. You all know the story...he proposed, I said no, he treated me like crap, and I ended it. As crazy fast and dramatic as the whole thing was, it was probably one of the healthiest guy/girl situations I've ever been involved in. Like I wrote about, I can clearly see how that relationship benefitted my life and shaped who I am today. How could I regret it or be negatively affected by what it was? I experienced a love bigger than I could ever have imagine at the time and I ended up learning a lot about myself. All's good in da hood.

There's the ex who was only my actual ex for twelve hours. Oh man, you all know this story too. I wasted a lot of years, a lot of tears, and a lot of perfectly good nights on that g.d. Roller Coaster. This is a great example of a person I had put on a pedestal based on who I wanted him to be. He was the guy I was supposed to end up with because it would make for a great story. He was the one who made me feel safe, the always there for me guy, and the one who said all the right things (as it turns out, only when he was drunk). He was also the one who lied, who manipulated me, and who took advantage of a girl who believed that he could do no wrong. He went from the good one, the one I would've been lucky to have to the one who left me absolutely devastated. However, he left me devastated to the point of no return. I thankfully now feel nothing for him.

There's the ex who was never actually my ex. So he's not an ex but he is a Butthead Friend. We had a "thing," if you will, for months that never amounted to anything. I spent a good portion of my junior year traveling back and forth to be with him and it was all for nothing. I was constantly getting up just to be let down. He led me on, I was stupid, and that's how the story goes. I remember feeling like such sh!t throughout that whole phase, partly because he was constantly behaving like my boyfriend but never committing to me but also because deep down I knew that I didn't really want him to be my boyfriend. So yeah, it was a really good time for me. I was being rejected by a person who I knew somewhere down there that I didn't really want anyway and to top it all off...I was in a fat phase. Feh!

There's the ex who was a downright a$shole. I wish I could phrase it another way but I cannot. We were hot and heavy until he ends things the day before he goes to Vegas with his buddies. Really mature. I used to be confused why guys don't believe me when I say, "I'm not a looney toon, please go to Vegas and enjoy yourself, I swear I'm fine with it." But now I understand two reasons why, the first one is because there are crazy biotches in this world who have come before me and the second is because guys are full of sh!t. They aren't afraid that you're going to go crazy on them for being in Vegas, rather it is that they are not in love with you enough to stay faithful. So instead of saying, "I want to sleep with someone else" they blame it on us for being c-R-A-z-Y. Typical. And like a true as$hole, he called me when he got back from Vegas as if nothing happened. As if he didn't cut me off for the sole purpose of a guy's only trip to Vegas. He thought I would fall right back into his arms...fool.

There's the ex who I'm still very good friends with. There's the ex who was simply for physical satisfaction. There's the ex who showed me just how naive I can still be. There's the ex who loved me more than I ever loved him. There's the ex who I still have a soft spot for. There's the ex who needed a high five...to the face...with a chair (or maybe they all do...just sayin'...)

And then there's the most recent ex. The one who only admitted that we were dating during the same phone call that he was ending it. The one who inspired many of the posts this past month. The one who I'm afraid is changing me for the worse. The one who I'm afraid is making me closed off and terrified to try again. I'm tired. I'm so tired of this. I don't want to feel the way I felt a few weeks ago ever again. I know I'm doomed for it but if there's any way that I can avoid it right now, then I'll take it. I've been very hesitant to write and post anything about him because I still have to see him and our mutual friends and I never wanted things to be awkward. However I have concluded two things regarding that issue: The first is that I know I'm not as affected by the whole situation anymore because I can post about it. When the feelings were very fresh, very hardcore, and very emotional, I knew I couldn't post anything because of how it would look. I would be way too vulnerable so my ability to actually share posts about him is a good sign. And the second thing is that just because I wrote that I'm feeling over it, doesn't mean sh!t. The day I'm over it completely and 100 percent, is the day that I stop posting about it at all (other than in ways that I just posted about these other ex's, of course). Basically, I really want to want to shut the hell up about it (no, the double "want to" is not a typo). I'm now facing the fact that I don't think I wanted to get over it but since I'm not sure how many more blog posts he can inspire, it might be time to start wanting it.

Sassarella Says...I've put up a wall. Sometimes we put up a wall to see who cares enough to jump over it but as I saw on Friday night, my wall is not up for that reason. The Friday night guy was more than willing to jump over it but I didn't want him to. My wall is up so that I don't do to some guy what the most recent ex did to me. I don't want to get involved with someone and then rip the rug right out from under him because it gets serious and I'm not in the right mindset. It's just not fair. So Dad, the wall is up right now but the Sassarella that dives in with everything she's got will re-surface soon. Or else!

"Let's lay down tonight and kiss tomorrow goodbye" - Luke Bryan

I wrote yesterday's post on the train Friday night on my way back to DC from New Jersey. The weekend got crazy and I didn't have time to re-read and post it until yesterday morning. I thought about changing the ending because not four hours after I wrote it on Friday night did something change. I will obviously explain myself but I decided to post it the way I originally wrote it because for a brief moment, that's how I felt. I felt amazing. The loving place that I had just come from aka my house on the day after Thanksgiving, sent me off to DC with that fuzzy feeling inside. I was also feeling relieved to not have the burden of the little man in the pit of my stomach going crazy all the time. I finally felt at ease with that whole situation until about four hours later.

I was very anxious to get off the train and meet up with a guy I met at work last week and was starting to get to know. Despite the fact that I was not the most friendly of waitresses to him that night, he was insanely attentive to me. I noticed how he could not take his eyes off me wherever I went. What was even more interesting is that he didn't try to hide it at all. He didn't do the quick look away when I would glance back but instead he would just gaze and smile. Writing it, it sounds kind of creepy but actually experiencing it was flattering. So anyway, I met up with him and his friends at a bar on U Street. He was more attractive than I remembered and we were immediately pretty comfortable. I totally scored best friend points throughout the night too. I felt good and we were having a great time. I felt like I was making progress and that perhaps this guy could be really great. At a certain point, we broke away from the group and started to talk more in depth about ourselves. 

Based on what he told me, I concluded very generally that he's smart, athletic, attractive, and interesting (shocking)! He leaned in to kiss me and I let him. The first one wasn't spectacular but it wasn't awful either. I think there's some leeway in a first kiss because you're just getting to know each other and trying to figure out one another's style. By the second and third one, there were moments that I thought, "Damn, this is never going to work" and other times when I thought, "Well, maybe it could. Try again." Then we start talking again and he hits me with, "So in terms of my last relationship....it ended almost a year ago. We were together for four years and I caught her cheating on me. It ended the day I saw the guy walking out of her house as I was driving up." Shoot me in the face. Didn't I just hear this sob story?! WTF. Ugh.

I nodded and looked for signs of him squirming as he talked about her, which he didn't. I noticed how he didn't talk about it for too long, which I thought was a good thing, and then he asked me about my most recent situation. I briefly mentioned the last guy who made the little man in the pit of my stomach go crazy for good and bad reasons. I liked his responses and I let him kiss me again. So by the fifth, sixth, or seventh time it should be pretty solid, right? Or how about another twenty minutes later? The "figuring out how to kiss each other" thing should be more or less figured out by then, right?

"Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye" by Luke Bryan

I've kissed my share of boys. I was a relatively late-bloomer so for most of my life, I was the make-out sesh queen. "Sorry, we can only kiss." What a tease. Anyway, including this guy, I've kissed fifty-two boys. Of the fifty-two, twenty-one of them I can confidently say were good kissers, twenty-four of them were not, and I have seven names here that I can't remember one way or another. Maybe I can't remember because it happened back in high school or because it only happened once or twice but let's assume that since I can't remember them being good that we can add them to the not so good list. So that leaves us with twenty-one guys that when I kissed them either the first, second, or third time that it felt really good and thirty-one guys that I knew off the bat were not going to make it.

As of this moment, I put this guy from Friday night on the not going to make it list. The more he kissed me and the more he put his hands here or there it felt wrong. "You're not doing it right," I whined in my head. I felt a little attacked and he was a little aggressive. I hate absolutely nothing more then having to ask a guy to stop or having to move his hands away over and over again. It's annoying as hell. The more annoyed I got, the more thoughts of someone else flooded my brain. Only five of the twenty-one good kissers have ever been able to really make me feel it. With five guys, I was able to kiss them and lose my thoughts completely. You know the ones I'm talking about. The kisses that you know are so real because you put your whole body into it. You lose your sense of anything going on around you. You know how you can't hold back tears no matter how hard you try? That's what those kisses are like. No matter how hard you try, you can't hold them back and you can't get enough.

So thoughts of someone else flooded my brain. Thoughts of the last person to kiss me in such a way that I can't even describe overwhelmed me in that moment. And like those kisses, sweet Jesus I couldn't hold it back, and I felt a g.d. tear stream down my face. He must have felt my body tense up because he stopped, looked into my eyes, and asked me what was wrong. I obviously couldn't answer back, "The way you are kissing and touching me is all wrong. It was effortless and so much better with him." So I just stared blankly back at the poor guy. He assumed that I wasn't over the guy I told him about and he asked to help me forget about him by kissing me again. I felt awful and pulled away. I didn't have the heart to tell him that his kisses only made me think more about that guy. We parted ways and I'm not sure what will happen because he's still calling me despite my tears and abrupt pull away mid-kiss.

"Once you had the pieces put back together, even though you may look intact, 

you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall." - Jodi Picoult

Once I was by myself, I cried a little more because I was sad. I was sad that on the outside I look intact, and I really thought I was, but I'm just not quite the same. But as sad as I was, I was equally as angry. I was angry because my effort to get back out there didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. I was angry that my perfect night at home and with someone new was tainted by thoughts of him. I was angry at him, the guy who made the little man in the pit of my stomach go crazy. I was angry because there have only been five guys in my life who I could kiss over and over again and he was one of them. It really made me think about how unique, how wonderful, and how rare it is that the chemistry between two people is indescribably out of this world. I lied there thinking about how stupid he was for taking that away from both of us. Doesn't he get how few and far between all of that good stuff is? I lied there thinking about how stupid I am for still thinking about it. I was right there damnit. I was a notch away from being done with it and being able to say "I'm totally fine" and actually mean it. On Friday night I was back down to a lot of notches away but thankfully, I woke up Saturday morning feeling relatively unaffected by what took place. Another weekend, another shift at work, another yoga session, etc, and I'm back up to a notch away. Gimme the g.d. notch, Universe! Geez, it's enough already.

Sassarella Says...don't settle for anything less than this.