"Intimacy is a four syllable word for, 'here's my heart and soul,
please grind them into a hamburger and enjoy.'
It's both desired and feared.
Difficult to live with and impossible to live without."
- Grey's Anatomy
And that is right where I find myself these days; desiring intimacy for it is impossible to live without yet fearing it because of just how difficult it is to live with. I'm not sure if it's an age, a lifestyle, or a personal issue but I'm going to assume that it's a combination of all three. I'm also going to assume that I'm not alone in this.
How did I get to this place? If you read this g.d. thing on a consistent basis you can probably already answer that question without me having to write a post about it. However, what fun would that be? Zero fun, sir. So here it goes.
I'm in love limbo. I really want intimacy but I'm scared of it. Most days I'm content having fun with my friends, staying busy working three jobs and yet I still crave it. I got to this place because of the absolutely effed up process of falling in and out of love. The painful, mind-boggling, and backwards aspects of the process are what put me here.
For instance, why is it that when I really start to care about you, you start to care less? Am I really not supposed to show I care just so you continue to mildly care? How does that make any sense at all? Oh right...IT DOESN'T. I really don't know how to put up walls, I've never been good at it, but if I don't you will definitely leave. I have yet to see something contrary. However, I know that on occasion, I do the exact same thing to others that you did to me. It's stupid.
Reflecting on what I just wrote the only answer that makes sense is either, "you're just not that into me" or "I'm just not that into you." If you loved me more, it wouldn't have scared you seeing just how much I cared about you. If you loved me more, it wouldn't have mattered that I changed my plans to be with you or that I excessively groomed and primped before seeing you or that I looked at you in that way that I look at people I love because you would have loved me too. If you loved me more, we would probably be together right now.
If I loved you more, I would love that you changed your plans to be with me. If I loved you more, I would love that you're willing to do anything to make it work. If I loved you more, I would love that you love me in that can't hear a song without thinking of me, can't fall asleep without seeing my face, and can't wake up without wondering what I'm doing today kinda way. If I loved you more, all of that would give me the butterfly feeling I felt for someone else but it doesn't. If I loved you more, we would be together right now.
Thankfully I've come to terms with all of that and I've accepted that you weren't that into me. Ironically I'm less okay with the opposite situation because as painful as it is to accept rejection, it's pretty painful rejecting someone else (especially when I know it's partly because of my own shortcomings at the moment). But what I find to be particularly effed up is that this is how all of my relationships, flings, courtships, or whatevers have gone with the exception of maybe Johnny Espo in the 8th grade and the Tim McGraw boyfriend. Either I start to show that I really care and he jumps ship or I'm not that into it from the beginning (and I can tell he's really into it) so I don't even let it up off the ground.
That being said, it feels like the next time I'll be in a healthy relationship is going to be with the guy I marry. No, you're not seeing things, I said MARRY. With every failed fling or relationship and with every month that passes I lose hope of meeting the in between guy. The guy who I date for a year or two before meeting the one. I can't fathom that I'm the type of person to meet the one at twenty-three or twenty-four years old so does this mean I'll be relatively speaking alone for the next 5-8 years until I'm at an acceptable age to meet him? That can't be but it feels that way.
I don't go into relationships or flings at this age thinking he's the one but what I'm meaning to say is that it never works out until one day (supposedly) it finally does. And since things only seem to work out for me every five years, I'm due for it to work out in another two years, which could be an acceptable age to meet the be all end all guy. (Meet him at 25, date a few years, get engaged...yeah, that works). However, what's another two years? I'll still be kind of a kid and could potentially still not be interested in marriage. It's like when you were in middle school and were sure that by the time you graduated from college that you'd be this well-rounded, put together, grown-up adult. It's all about perspective. Ugh ok cool so what's left for me now? The limbo. Craving and wanting intimacy so badly it brings me to tears but shying away from it because I'm either not that into it or because I'm in no mood to get up for the let down.
Another fact to back up my horrifying thought process on how I'm going to be alone for at least another two years, if not longer, is that I'm not willing to settle. If I wanted a boyfriend simply to have a boyfriend right now, I could have one. I'm not saying that to be cocky or obnoxious but anyone can be in a relationship if she is willing to be someone that she doesn't really like or doesn't really make her happy. I don't want just any relationship though, I want a meaningful, happy, and healthy one. I'm the person who would rather be alone and blog about it than be in any old half-assed relationship. So doesn't that make you think? If I were to be in a meaningful, happy, and healthy relationship right now then why wouldn't it be one that lasts....say for a lifetime? Just a thought. Is it possible to be in a meaningful, happy, and completely healthy relationship without it being with the one? I thought I was still young enough to find out but suddenly that doesn't feel like it's in the cards for me. I'm suddenly feeling too practical and too self-assured to fall in love with anyone who isn't all of the things that I want and need.
Yeah, yeah, that's what single people say to make ourselves feel better ;-)
Obviously I'm writing as though love is black and white, which is it very far from. I am also very aware that I don't know everything and I have no idea what is in store for me, this is simply how I feel at the moment. If you hear that I'm in a relationship a month from now just know that I'm level-headed enough to realize that he may not be the one but that for the time being he's making me happy and things appear to be healthy. Capisce?
Sassarella Says...until then, I'm going to enjoy being the happiest birthday weekend girl in the world! Partaaay partaaaay tonight! I think this occasion calls for some fake eyelashes, some Stoli-O, and good friends! Good talk, see ya out there.