I walked into a Nine West a little bit ago (no, not to shop, don't be silly...all I can do is look and admire) and I was greeted by a friendly looking man in a suit. Clearly, it was the day that Nine West was having a visit from corporate. Anyway, he did not greet me with the usual, "Hiiii! WELCOME TO NINE WEST!!" He greeted me with a large sigh, he waited for me to respond, and when I simply stared blankly and gave an awkward smile back, he began to laugh. "Bad joke, sorry," he said as he pointed to my shirt. "Oh! (haha) sorry, I'm not all here today," I responded before he laughed again and let me to know to call him if I needed anything. I was in such a zone and in such a daze that I wasn't even aware that my shirt read, "Sigh No More." Never mind the irony of "Sigh No More" which could be interpreted as worry no more....
I browsed around and walked out thinking about how that was the icing on the cake given the past couple of weeks I had had. I was constantly preoccupied. I was having conversations but not really having conversations because I was so in my own head. I couldn't seem to relax or turn my brain off whether it was job related, health related, where I want to live related, or relating to my relationships...friends, family, boy, etc. Should I this? Should I that? Well what if "A" happens, unless "B" happens first because then I want "C" to happen. And this wasn't going on simply in times of acceptable reflection but even in times of company, it was stupid. It kept my up at night but made me want to sleep all day in an attempt to avoid it all.
Lol. A total exaggeration but I couldn't resist.
If I work here then I can't work there but I still want to work there so now what?
If I live here then I won't live there. When can I live there? Should I stay here? What will happen if I go? What will happen if I stay?
If it all turns out this way then I'll have to go that way but how will I get there? Will I have to take off of work? I don't want to take off of work.
I haven't called back. Do it today? No can do. Do it tomorrow? Maybe. It's tomorrow. Ugh ok, do it tomorrow. Hopefully.
Of course I've censored (and shortened) every thing that I thought about all the g.d. time for the sake of my own privacy and for your interest in reading this, because on the verge of a meltdown I actually sat up and said out loud to myself, "SHUT UP!!!!"
However, this week, times have changed. I'm settling into a new full-time job and getting the lay of the land. I am forming new routines and thankfully, new sleeping patterns! I'm actually falling asleep around midnight, instead of 3am or later. I'm back into exercising and eating healthier foods. I'm drinking more water and feeling more energized throughout most of the day. I have a sense of calmness that I've never had before. I have a job that means a steady and reliable income and benefits. I still have my bartending job because I love it and because at this point, I need all the income I can get. I still see my friends here who technically have a completely opposite schedule than I do. And I realized this week that it really is weird to go to sleep without him next to me...not just in a cute way but in a, wow I'm so comfortable in this relationship kind of way. Mozel!
This isn't a motivational, time heals all, this too shall pass post because we all have to go through our sh!t and figure out it as it comes but I'm sure as hell happy to be on the other side of last month. I can't tell you what to do when every little detail of your life overwhelms you (I usually recommend Fireball) because I didn't know what to tell myself. All I know is that it can't last forever.
Sassarella Says...so be happy for me, damnit!
