"MACHO does NOT prove MUCHO" ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

Over a year and a half ago, I met a man at a bar (red flag #1), we chatted, he was hot. Instead of asking for my phone number before we parted ways, he friended me on Facebook via his Blackberry (red flag #2). Over the course of the summer, we exchanged pin numbers and would frequently bbm...late night (red flag #3). The late night bbm conversations turned into daytime conversations, except from the beginning, he was never wavering in his intent....to get me naked (Sorry, Dad / red flag #4). I resisted and resisted and continued to resist. He was relentless and let me tell you the will power I exerted that entire summer, fall, winter, and spring. His nickname, therefore, is "Sexaholic J" (SJ for short)....in order to distinguish him from all of the other J-named guys I date, this is what the girls and I have affectionately come to call him.

Anyway, this most recent summer, I finally gave in and drove my ass to a bar close to where he lives (I know I know). I saw him two other times this summer and not one of those meetings was overly fantastic. He muttered a few words here and there, but basically spent most of our time together counting down the seconds until it was appropriate for him to try (yet again) to bring me back home straight to his bed (red flag #5,500,500000000). 

Sometime in September he contacted me AGAIN! Geez, what is it with you people with the penises? Ya just can't let it go when a girl turns you down. The thrill of the g.d. chase, the challenge, I am macho man hear me roar! Over it. I told him I'm having way to much fun in DC to even be bothered with his bs and I deleted him from my bbm contacts. So there, macho man. I am Sassarella, hear ME roar, biotch.

Anywhooozle, January 2011 comes around and SJ contacts me to wish me a happy birthday. We re-instate our bbm friendship and occasionally engage in flirtatious banter. I explicitly tell him from day 1 (round 55 of us talking) that I have absolutely no interest in a "buddy" (if ya know what I mean...again, I'm sorry, Dad) and that if he has an interest in taking me out and treating me like a lady instead of Jessica Rabbit then I'm game. SJ is a 33 year old man boy, he's telling me about how his friends are all getting engaged, and that he's not looking for a buddy either...he wants to get wifed up. I'm skeptical but I kept thinking how different I am now than the last time I saw him and I chose (as usual) to give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he had grown up too. 

This whole past week, we talked loosely about getting together Friday night. He agreed to pick me up, take me out, and assured me several times that he was going to take it seriously. Well, don't ya know it, that come Friday night he suddenly is trying to convince to drive to where he lives! I laid out a plan that I thought was appropriate (and fair!) and told him to take it or leave it. You can probably assume that he left it. He kept giving me lame excuses as to why it would be such a challenge for him to get from Bergen County to where I live..."I drove around a lot for work today, please just to come me, I promise I'll make it worth it." ... Poor wittle baby, does he think I'm that naive?!

I told him that the effort he was willing to make (which was basically no effort at all) is the effort of a guy looking strictly for sex and not the effort of a guy looking for sex with a possibility of more.  I mean because, let's be serious, you with the penises are always looking for sex. The last bbm I sent him said something like, "Does it ever feel like shit lying right through your teeth?" So I was a little dramatic but I didn't even wait to see the little "R" indicating that he had read it before I deleted him from my contacts and then went on Facebook and de-friended him. I'm done. There's gotta be someone and some relationship out there waiting for me that I don't have to work this hard. 

I thought that after all this time there's gotta be a reason why he keeps popping back into my life. There's gotta be a reason why I always thought his sexual banter was hilarious instead of disgusting (he had a charming way about him). I thought that maybe this time it would finally work out the way I wanted it to. Damn you, Nora Ephron!

Michael Scott: Well someone told me that Holly would be here,

single, and ready to date and we all got mislead.

Pam: Who told you that?

Michael Scott: Nora Ephron and every romantic comedy ever made.

There are a myriad of issues I could further discuss that stemmed from this situation, but I'm going to choose the Facebook issue to dive into. The fact that we were Facebook friends deeply impacted our relationship because I was privy to his world outside of me. I saw pictures of him with his friends and family, I saw his funny status updates, and felt like I knew him when really I didn't know him at all. I wanted to know the side of SJ that I saw through Facebook. If I had never seen the Facebook side, I can guarantee you that our bbm relationship would have stopped that initial summer we met.

To "friend" or not to "friend" ... that is the question. My answer: don't do it. You end up creating an idealized version of a person in your head. You start picturing yourself meeting his friends and going to the places he goes (don't deny it, we all do it) and it's just not healthy or realistic. Until you have a solid foundation and an indication that there is legit potential, my advice is to avoid a Facebook friendship. Even if at the time you tell yourself that you're completely okay with a casual relationship and that a Facebook friendship won't change anything....lies....it will change everything.

So peace out forever, Sexaholic J, it was a real treat knowing ya. Not that I think I'll need it because I'm so absurdly turned off by his games at this point, but I now have all of you to hold me accountable to this "peace out forever" stance. On to the next one!