"Once you had the pieces put back together, even though you may look intact,
you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall." - Jodi Picoult
I find this so interesting because I'm not accustomed to being the one who has issues. Ok, that's a strong statement but it was ironic how on Friday night I went from watching him for signs that he's not over his ex to feeling a tear stream down my face because he couldn't kiss me quite like the last guy. I was ready to write him off because I felt like, yet again, I was involving myself with a broken person. A person who's heart I didn't break but would have to deal with. I was afraid that I was getting involved with a person who wouldn't let me show him that not all women are crazy biotches and yet, I ended up being the one who freaked out.
Until this point, despite all of the ridiculous, sometimes traumatizing, and often down right illogical things that guys have pulled on me, I still manage to throw myself whole-heartedly into the next one. I've made jokes like, "Am I just that g.d. healthy?!" Sometimes I would even wish that I could be more closed off and skeptical in order to prevent someone else from hurting me but time and time again, I dive right back in. How annoying is that?
"Take Care" by Drake and Rihanna
Yes, I'm still in love with this song.
A couple of weeks ago, my dad advised me to not let the guy who made the little man in the pit of my stomach go crazy get the best of me. To not let him change me and my approach to love, relationships, happiness, etc. He advised me to not let myself be closed off from someone new. As he spoke, I teared up (mostly because at the time it was a fresh wound that I was totes not anywhere near over) but in the back of my mind, I knew that it's not my M.O. to be that way anyway. But then Friday night happened. Friday night freaked me out a little bit because I was closed off. Maybe if the physical chemistry was better it would've been a different story but I've never experienced that before. I've really and truly never in my entire life had the experience of being the girl too hung up to move on with someone new. It was weird and I hated it. I don't want to just look intact, I want to be intact. Did this most recent fall really affect me more than the others? Let's find out.
There's the ex who could never make up his mind. (He fo sho inspired that little post called "Sassarella, I love you BUT...." that you all loved so much). Anyway, break up with me once, I'm heart-broken. Get back together. Break up with me twice, I'm confused, a little heart-broken, and a lot pissed off. Spend the next few months trying to win me back, I give in and get back together. A few months later, I break up with him. In the next few years, we maintained minimal contact, sometimes expressing he misses me and sometimes not. Fast forward a few years and we ended up at this blog post, remember this one? I say okay, he says no, and then I move away. And currently there's more talk of things that are too present to write about. Anyway, you get the point. It's a freakin' merry-go-round! Up, down, back and forth, hot and cold...yikes-a-bunga!
There's the ex who I'm completely over. I fell hard and fast. I loved him with every fiber of my being until one day I just couldn't do it anymore. You all know the story...he proposed, I said no, he treated me like crap, and I ended it. As crazy fast and dramatic as the whole thing was, it was probably one of the healthiest guy/girl situations I've ever been involved in. Like I wrote about, I can clearly see how that relationship benefitted my life and shaped who I am today. How could I regret it or be negatively affected by what it was? I experienced a love bigger than I could ever have imagine at the time and I ended up learning a lot about myself. All's good in da hood.
There's the ex who was only my actual ex for twelve hours. Oh man, you all know this story too. I wasted a lot of years, a lot of tears, and a lot of perfectly good nights on that g.d. Roller Coaster. This is a great example of a person I had put on a pedestal based on who I wanted him to be. He was the guy I was supposed to end up with because it would make for a great story. He was the one who made me feel safe, the always there for me guy, and the one who said all the right things (as it turns out, only when he was drunk). He was also the one who lied, who manipulated me, and who took advantage of a girl who believed that he could do no wrong. He went from the good one, the one I would've been lucky to have to the one who left me absolutely devastated. However, he left me devastated to the point of no return. I thankfully now feel nothing for him.
There's the ex who was never actually my ex. So he's not an ex but he is a Butthead Friend. We had a "thing," if you will, for months that never amounted to anything. I spent a good portion of my junior year traveling back and forth to be with him and it was all for nothing. I was constantly getting up just to be let down. He led me on, I was stupid, and that's how the story goes. I remember feeling like such sh!t throughout that whole phase, partly because he was constantly behaving like my boyfriend but never committing to me but also because deep down I knew that I didn't really want him to be my boyfriend. So yeah, it was a really good time for me. I was being rejected by a person who I knew somewhere down there that I didn't really want anyway and to top it all off...I was in a fat phase. Feh!
There's the ex who was a downright a$shole. I wish I could phrase it another way but I cannot. We were hot and heavy until he ends things the day before he goes to Vegas with his buddies. Really mature. I used to be confused why guys don't believe me when I say, "I'm not a looney toon, please go to Vegas and enjoy yourself, I swear I'm fine with it." But now I understand two reasons why, the first one is because there are crazy biotches in this world who have come before me and the second is because guys are full of sh!t. They aren't afraid that you're going to go crazy on them for being in Vegas, rather it is that they are not in love with you enough to stay faithful. So instead of saying, "I want to sleep with someone else" they blame it on us for being c-R-A-z-Y. Typical. And like a true as$hole, he called me when he got back from Vegas as if nothing happened. As if he didn't cut me off for the sole purpose of a guy's only trip to Vegas. He thought I would fall right back into his arms...fool.
There's the ex who I'm still very good friends with. There's the ex who was simply for physical satisfaction. There's the ex who showed me just how naive I can still be. There's the ex who loved me more than I ever loved him. There's the ex who I still have a soft spot for. There's the ex who needed a high five...to the face...with a chair (or maybe they all do...just sayin'...)
And then there's the most recent ex. The one who only admitted that we were dating during the same phone call that he was ending it. The one who inspired many of the posts this past month. The one who I'm afraid is changing me for the worse. The one who I'm afraid is making me closed off and terrified to try again. I'm tired. I'm so tired of this. I don't want to feel the way I felt a few weeks ago ever again. I know I'm doomed for it but if there's any way that I can avoid it right now, then I'll take it. I've been very hesitant to write and post anything about him because I still have to see him and our mutual friends and I never wanted things to be awkward. However I have concluded two things regarding that issue: The first is that I know I'm not as affected by the whole situation anymore because I can post about it. When the feelings were very fresh, very hardcore, and very emotional, I knew I couldn't post anything because of how it would look. I would be way too vulnerable so my ability to actually share posts about him is a good sign. And the second thing is that just because I wrote that I'm feeling over it, doesn't mean sh!t. The day I'm over it completely and 100 percent, is the day that I stop posting about it at all (other than in ways that I just posted about these other ex's, of course). Basically, I really want to want to shut the hell up about it (no, the double "want to" is not a typo). I'm now facing the fact that I don't think I wanted to get over it but since I'm not sure how many more blog posts he can inspire, it might be time to start wanting it.
Sassarella Says...I've put up a wall. Sometimes we put up a wall to see who cares enough to jump over it but as I saw on Friday night, my wall is not up for that reason. The Friday night guy was more than willing to jump over it but I didn't want him to. My wall is up so that I don't do to some guy what the most recent ex did to me. I don't want to get involved with someone and then rip the rug right out from under him because it gets serious and I'm not in the right mindset. It's just not fair. So Dad, the wall is up right now but the Sassarella that dives in with everything she's got will re-surface soon. Or else!