Here's to Hoping Karma Smacks You Before I Do, Ya Dumb Biotch

At work last weekend I watched as a group of drunk college girls bonded while belting out Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" with more passion than ever. The lyrics, their voices, their dance moves, and their enthusiasm really struck me.

"And when the night falls, loneliness calls.
Oh, I wanna dance with somebody
I wanna feel the heat with somebody
Yeah I wanna dance with somebody
With somebody who loves me"

That's really all we women want. We want NOT to have a stranger look at us like a piece of meat from the wall of the bar, come up behind us, grab our waist, and grind. We want to dance with somebody who loves us. We wanna feel that safe and exciting heat that comes from a new love and like the song says, we need a man who will take a chance.

Reflecting on these girls, I had a thought that put an interesting spin on things. I, and as I imagine most women, spend a lot of time blaming men for a lack of a steady love life. While men give us plenty of good reasons to do so, recently, I can't help but think about the explanations for why men do dumb sh!t that they cannot help. I'm basically saying that in general, men can only be held accountable to a certain degree. A boy's upbringing has a lot to do with how he treats women, among other things of course. But we women cannot change a boy's upbringing. We can only hope that his mother, his father, his sister, and his brother provided a home that allowed him to grow up into a man. And if that was not possible, we can only hope that through his relationships and experiences later in life that he then learns how to be a man.

Now that's all fine and dandy, however, what I really want to vent about is my inability to change the dumb biotches who came before I did. I cannot change who any man chose to associate with before I came into the picture. Therefore, I cannot help but be affected by the dumb b!tch who effed him up for me. The ex-girlfriend, feh! There is little that a man can say starting the sentence with, "My ex blah biddy blah blah blah" that a girl presently in the picture wants to hear. Sure we're curious and all, but only because we want to make sure that we trump her in every way possible. The case of the ex is a delicate subject but in my experience the ex-girlfriend leaves my men with more issues than a g.d. Vogue magazine. I've heard more ex-girlfriend stories and baggage than I know what to do with. Let's re-hash, shall we?


There's the ex-girlfriend who left him out of nowhere. "She came to my graduation from law school, she met my entire family, they loved her, and I was really starting to fall for her. A few days later I got a phone call, 'Babe, I really hate to do this but I'm done. It's not you, it's me. I need some time to find myself and figure out what I want.' And that was it. Out of the blue she just up and ended it.....but really, I'm totally fine with it." You dumb biotch, give the guy some closure! How can we expect men to grow up when you just treated him like a child? Tell him that you found a bigger penis so he can really move on!


There's the ex-girlfriend who...is always around. "She and I broke up and got back together literally 1,000 times in the last year and a half. This last time though, she ended it and it's over for good. Although we are still friends so we'll probably still hang out together and see her around town, but don't worry because I don't ever plan on getting back with her....and I'm totally serious." You dumb biotch, get in or get out! Make up your freakin' mind. If you love him, then work it out and if you don't, then back the eff off. Don't flaunt your mini skirt and buhbie shirt at the same club he and I are at this weekend either.

"The two women exchanged the kind of glance

women use when no knife is handy" ~ Ellery Queen

There's the ex-girlfriend who...hates me. "Back in the day, she was totally threatened by you and used to talk a lot of sh!t about you. Remember when she and I got in that huge fight over Christmas break? Yeah, that was about you....but I never believed a bad word she uttered." You dumb biotch, you don't even know me so stop running your mouth. You two are done aka stop caring about who he spends his time with now by trying to sabotage the good thing we might have going.

There's the ex-girlfriend who...is really hot. "What do you have there, babe? Oh, that's my ex-girlfriend's calendar. She's a cheerleader for the NBA...but babe, you're like totally way hotter. She had flabby ear lobes." You dumb biotch, HAVE A CHEESEBURGER!


There's the ex-girlfriend who...is crazy. "She was totally nuts. She never let me out without knowing where I was going and who I was going with. She faked a pregnancy to win me back. She threw a bottle at my head after dumping all of my sh!t out into the middle of the road when I came home 15 minutes later than usual from work. I put up with it for years....but, I'm totally normal and she's out of my life forever." You dumb biotch, take a pill! Sure, that's just what we women need....more reasons for men to think we're complete emotional lunatics. Thanks, from the bottom of my heart, thanks for that.

There's the ex-girlfriend who...lied a whole lot. "She and I were in a long-distance relationship for four years. She traveled a lot for work except it turns out traveling for work really meant traveling home to her husband. I bummed hard and had a lot of meaningless sex for awhile but you're different, you're special, and that's so totally not what I'm intending on doing to you." You dumb biotch, get a divorce or kick your part-time boyfriend to the curb! You've left me with a sex-crazed and jaded man who will probably never trust a woman again.

There's the ex-girlfriend who...cheated. "I loved her. I really loved her and it ended the day I found out she cheated on me. I hate her. I would punch her in the face if I saw her standing in front of me. I was betrayed and I'm angry but don't worry I never want to think about her again, let's focus on you and me." You dumb biotch, he's not thinking about me! He's too freakin' mad at you to think about me. Why didn't you end it? Why oh why didn't you just end it?

So ya see, there are all kinds of ex-girlfriends. There are ex-girlfriends who are desperate for attention, who he won't stop talking about, or who are still in love with your man! The ex-girlfriend is often the reason why I lose the game before I even start playing. I don't even get a chance to take the next step because either she or just the thought of she ties him up and holds him back.

Now I know there are three sides to every story: his, hers, and MINE. Mine being equivalent to the truth, of course ;-) but there comes a point when every boy has to grow up and get over his ex.

To the guy whose ex-girlfriend left him out of nowhere....she's moved on and probably "finding herself" in the arms of a new guy while you're sitting here looking for sympathy from me. How masculine. How attractive. How utterly unhealthy.

To the guy whose ex-girlfriend is always around...block her phone number, de-friend her on Facebook, and for the love of God don't ask me to hang out with her. Chances are we will actually like each other (that's happened before) and then you'll really be screwed....or not screwed at all (ha!)

To the guy whose ex-girlfriend hates me...if you've ever believed anything she's ever said, forget you know my number. If you've ever taken her side over mine, again I say to you, forget you know my number.

To the guy whose ex-girlfriend is really hot...throw out her calendar, show me off to your friends, and we'll be fine. My four days a week yoga bod is effin' rockin'.

To the guy whose ex-girlfriend is crazy...you might be a little crazy too. I'm willing to accept (for now) that maybe you were once too young and stupid to realize how young and stupid you actually were for staying with her but as soon as you start acting shady with me because you're afraid I'm going to forbid you to have a "boy's night", we got problems.

To the guy whose ex-girlfriend lied a whole lot or cheated...get over it before you move on to something with me. I can't fault you for being upset, outraged, and hurt that someone treated you that way but I don't hear your strong anger towards her as a positive thing. It makes me feel like crap because it lets me know that you're still not over it. Get over it.

Soooooo Sassarella Says...

Just because you can't punch her in the face, doesn't mean I won't!