Growing Pains

Why is it the way of the world that we have to be taught a lesson more than once to really learn it. The first time we are taught how to share probably didn't go over so well. It probably wasn't until the fifth, sixth, or maybe even seventh time that we actually learned how to share with little Timmy. Now that doesn't mean as a three year old learning to share for the eighth time that we actually liked it because we are used to having everything to ourselves and not caring about what little Timmy wanted so this rocked our worlds. So even though we didn't want to at first, we knew what was expected of us so we did it.

I'm rambling.

Anyway, last week...wait for it...wait....I went back to YOGA. Holy sh!t, did you just fall out of bed when you read that? I know, I'm sorry, you didn't think I even remembered what that Namaste crap was did you? Well I do. I went back and something changed inside of me. I had forgotten how much better I feel when I'm upward dogging and extended side angling and how much it effects me mentally and emotionally. I used to say, "I'm happy because I'm skinny" but I realized this week that it's not strictly about being skinny. I realized that I'm happy even when I'm not skinny but doing something to get there. I'm happy just knowing that I'm healthier this week and that because I went to yoga that I immediately paid more attention to my food and drink choices. That whole "healthy lifestyle" section of the bookstore is no joke. It's not just be skinny skinny skinny, it's be healthy healthy healthy....and then of course, skinny usually follows. Yay. 

So coming home after the third visit to the yogi hot box this week, I felt lighter both physically and mentally. While in the shower, I smiled in pain as a lifted my sore arms to wash my hair and I stopped and stared at my much firmer legs while shaving. Voila! Good things do happen when you work out.

But hold the phone. Have I not learned this lesson over and over again? Do I not bounce back and forth between the skinny arm, carefree, flat stomach phase and the fat face, b!tchy, butt jiggling phase? Oh wait, I do....all the g.d. time!!! WAH. Why? Why must we be taught lessons over and freakin' over again before we really learn them? Mental effing note Sassarella: When you work out and eat right, not only do you get skinny but you feel like a million bucks. You feel mentally lighter and things that used to bother you, just don't bother you that much anymore. Sleeping at his house for the 5th night in a row...ehh...not such a big deal this week. Being solely responsible for packing up the office and moving it to another neighborhood....ehh...not as frustrating as it would have been a week ago. Ya see where I'm going here? GOOD.

Sassarella Says...cha-tu-freakin-ranga.

Think, Process, Focus

It seems odd that when one's current relationship gets more serious that one would reflect back upon (or even dream about) a previous failed relationship. Well, as you can probably guess, this recently happened to me. I woke up feeling quite strange this morning having had a dream about a previous man candy while in bed with my current one. The odd part was that while this past "relationship" failed, the dude was uncharacteristically portrayed as an outgoing, overly-friendly, mature, and appealing guy. (Not to say that he doesn't embody some of that but certainly not all at the same time and to that degree)!

Dream: I'm at a reunion of sorts with a lot of mutual friends and we hadn't seen each other in awhile. I remember feeling relieved that the girlfriend he had before me wasn't there and I remember watching him briskly say hello to his most recent ex. The exchange was pleasant and easy, he seemed happy, which is not like him. He owned the room with his charisma and charm. He was floating around saying hello to everyone, making extensive conversation and laughing wildly, all of which he does not normally do. I remember attempting to walk by him with my head phones on (which I guess indicates my natural instinct to pretend like I don't see him), but I still smile and wave to be polite. Then he stops me, which would never happen in real life, and as he's pulling me in for a hug he says, "Ohh come on! Say hello to me, ya jerk!" It was all very playful and so unlike our normally awkward exchanges. He was smiling from ear to ear and when we pulled away from the hug, we just stared at each other for a second and then KISSED.

I woke up immediately after that bugging the eff out.

So me being me, I immediately turn to the Internet seeking answers and it turns out I'm not alone. Of course there are a ton of what ifs, but ifs, and only ifs but one explanation really stuck out. When your current relationship is getting more serious, your subconscious shows you examples, provides warnings, and sends messages. For example, instead of freaking out that this dream means I want him back (which I certainly DO NOT), I really thought about what the dream was showing me. The more I thought about it, the more I put some pieces together. I realized that not only was he portrayed completely inaccurately but that his mannerisms, the way he spoke, the way he smiled, and the way he kissed me, I mean every ounce of the way he behaved is that of my current man! CREEPY.

I realized that this dream, although creepy, was a message. It was confirming all of the character and personality traits that I love about my man and showed me that I'm not making the same mistakes as I did with the ex-boyfriend who was in the dream! As decisions get more intense and steps get more serious with my man these days, my subconscious sent me a confirming message that I made the right choice.

I'm patting myself on the back right now and I hope you are cyber-space high-fiving me! I also realllllly hope this is making as much sense as I want it to or else imma have a lot of 'splaining to do.

The only part that is bugging me about the dream is WHY HIM? Of all of the ex-boyfriends and former flings, why did my subconscious choose this guy? It made me wonder, how do you know when you are absolutely 100% over someone? You all know me well enough to know that if I weren't over him, I wouldn't be in this current relationship for as long as I have. I'm not a settler nor am I an idiot.

But is it about having closure? What if there really wasn't any closure? What if there wasn't an a-ha moment? What if we didn't have the big blow-out fight? What if he didn't do anything soOoOo horrible to me that I could never forgive and forget? It just kinda pooped out.

I guess you don't ever really know for sure but what you can be sure of is your present. My present is what matters and I have unflagging certainty that I am in the right relationship at the right time.

Sassarella Says...that's all I got. Love ya.

Sigh No More

I walked into a Nine West a little bit ago (no, not to shop, don't be silly...all I can do is look and admire) and I was greeted by a friendly looking man in a suit. Clearly, it was the day that Nine West was having a visit from corporate. Anyway, he did not greet me with the usual, "Hiiii! WELCOME TO NINE WEST!!" He greeted me with a large sigh, he waited for me to respond, and when I simply stared blankly and gave an awkward smile back, he began to laugh. "Bad joke, sorry," he said as he pointed to my shirt. "Oh! (haha) sorry, I'm not all here today," I responded before he laughed again and let me to know to call him if I needed anything. I was in such a zone and in such a daze that I wasn't even aware that my shirt read, "Sigh No More." Never mind the irony of "Sigh No More" which could be interpreted as worry no more....

I browsed around and walked out thinking about how that was the icing on the cake given the past couple of weeks I had had. I was constantly preoccupied. I was having conversations but not really having conversations because I was so in my own head. I couldn't seem to relax or turn my brain off whether it was job related, health related, where I want to live related, or relating to my relationships...friends, family, boy, etc. Should I this? Should I that? Well what if "A" happens, unless "B" happens first because then I want "C" to happen. And this wasn't going on simply in times of acceptable reflection but even in times of company, it was stupid. It kept my up at night but made me want to sleep all day in an attempt to avoid it all.

Lol. A total exaggeration but I couldn't resist.

If I work here then I can't work there but I still want to work there so now what?

If I live here then I won't live there. When can I live there? Should I stay here? What will happen if I go? What will happen if I stay?

If it all turns out this way then I'll have to go that way but how will I get there? Will I have to take off of work? I don't want to take off of work.

I haven't called back. Do it today? No can do. Do it tomorrow? Maybe. It's tomorrow. Ugh ok, do it tomorrow. Hopefully.

Of course I've censored (and shortened) every thing that I thought about all the g.d. time for the sake of my own privacy and for your interest in reading this, because on the verge of a meltdown I actually sat up and said out loud to myself, "SHUT UP!!!!"

However, this week, times have changed. I'm settling into a new full-time job and getting the lay of the land. I am forming new routines and thankfully, new sleeping patterns! I'm actually falling asleep around midnight, instead of 3am or later. I'm back into exercising and eating healthier foods. I'm drinking more water and feeling more energized throughout most of the day. I have a sense of calmness that I've never had before. I have a job that means a steady and reliable income and benefits. I still have my bartending job because I love it and because at this point, I need all the income I can get. I still see my friends here who technically have a completely opposite schedule than I do. And I realized this week that it really is weird to go to sleep without him next to me...not just in a cute way but in a, wow I'm so comfortable in this relationship kind of way. Mozel!

This isn't a motivational, time heals all, this too shall pass post because we all have to go through our sh!t and figure out it as it comes but I'm sure as hell happy to be on the other side of last month. I can't tell you what to do when every little detail of your life overwhelms you (I usually recommend Fireball) because I didn't know what to tell myself. All I know is that it can't last forever.

Sassarella Says...so be happy for me, damnit!

Is it them or is it us?

"Is it them or is it us?" I whispered to my boyfriend while seated at a table of four other couples. I couldn't help but notice that we were visably the only pair who was touching each other almost the entire time. Gross, C, really? But not in a dirty way but rather in a, I'm completely aware of who is sitting beside me kind of way. Throughout the meal, either he had a hand on my knee, I had a hand on his arm, or we were leaning over for the occasional peck on the lips. Reading what I just typed makes me want to smack myself, "You can't even sit and eat without PDA?" Seriously? Unfortunately, anyone who has spent time with us as a couple knows that PDA was once an issue. My boyfriend blames it on that fact that he is Hispanic and it's simply part of his culture to be touchy-feely and lovey-dovey, but at one time we did need to have a sit down about what is appropriate and what is not. Fortunately, I think those same people are pleasantly surprised by how quickly we snapped into action to make everyone feel more comfortable without losing our ability to show our attraction to each other in public.

However, this leads me to my question, "is it them or is it us?" Are we the minority when it comes to this behavior? I've always known my parents to be very affectionate towards each other. As a kid I hoped for less of it but I know that they have a great marriage and there is not a doubt in my mind about why; they show their affection for each other constantly. Not that it is the only factor but in order for any relationship to make it long term, a constant needs to be an intense attraction to each other. Sometimes (and by sometimes I mean always) when my man is walking behind me he grabs my ass and when I push his hand away or protest in embarrassment, he'll say, "One day I'll stop doing that and you're gonna be all, 'remember when you used to grab my ass? Why don't you do that anymore?'" And he's right. So what is so wrong with that? Why is it that at a table of four other couples did I not see routine affection from them? Not even a side hug.

Although now that I'm thinking about it, I guess there could have been some knee touching or some hand holding going on under the table but not in the way that we were. We're never shy about it. Actually to be honest, he's never shy about it. Sometimes he mocks me because he'll lean in for the 20th kiss in a 20 minute period of time and I groan or hesitantly kiss him back. He'll say, "Ohhhhh I know, it's just horrible that he wants to kiss me all the time. Why does he love me so much? It's terribleeee." He attempts his best mocking me tone and it's getting better with time but it does make me wonder. Why is it so terrible? It's not. Which leads me to ask yet again, "is it them or is it us?" Is there more affection going on than I'm aware of and I'm simply more aware of our affections because we were called out on them? I'm just not sure. What I do know is this: all couples are different and can operate successfully in different dynamics, a strong attraction is vital, and if I'm 75 years old and whoever my guy is still wants to grab my old, flat ass then we must be doing something right.

Sassarella says...I think it's them. Or maybe it's us.

On DC vs. the Rest of the World

As expected, those who live in New Jersey (or at least know me from New Jersey), loved my last post and those who live in DC with me were confused, frustrated, and even a little disappointed. They were left wondering how it is even a debate where I want to end up when it so clearly seemed like I had already made my decision. However, those people did not realize that another post was coming in defense of Washington, DC. There are pros and cons to living in both but just as I explained the pros of being in NJ, I need to explain the pros of being in DC....

My family - Once you work "in the industry" aka bartending, you are part of a social cult that does everything together. You work the most strange hours on the most opposite days of the week as everyone else and come to bond over the ridiculousness that is your job. Our favorite days are Sundays and Mondays, which are usually the most dreaded days for day-walkers. Our job horror stories come from slammed Friday and Saturday nights, which are usually the most fun days for day-walkers. You get my point, I'm sure. Through this family, I have built relationships with numerous people, including the one and only B.Ryan, which I have come to really appreciate and love. Not to mention, one of the greatest nights of the year, Zinzi Ball. I look forward to Sunday Fundays, trips to Dewey Beach, orca platters at Old Ebbitt, and so on. I don't have a family quite like this dysfunctional yet amazing group anywhere else.

My Person - As I have made known through other posts, I have a boyfriend. I met him here, he lives here, his family lives here, his work is here aka he's not leaving here anytime soon. He means enough to me to make me want to stay in DC knowing that it means that I'll get to be with him.

Georgetown University - Although I don't go to campus often, whenever I do I am reminded of one successful period of time in my life. I'm reminded of at least one good thing that's happened to me in the last couple of years. Still feeling a bit lost, in terms of my career and future plans, that is one thing that I know is solid. I went to Georgetown University, suckas. Although I do worry about raising kids too close to campus out of fear that they won't want to go to a school so close to home....but I guess I have a few more years before I really need to worry about that.

My independence - It is no secret that I am a completely different person in DC than am I in New Jersey. In DC, I have my own routines, my own agendas, and my own apartment (it is small and annoying but it is mine). Any reputation I have here is one that I created, not one that is stuck with me from middle school or high school and I love that. I love that I am more proactive here and less likely to follow in the footsteps of any friend or relative. I make my own decisions here and that is something I don't always feel I can do in NJ.

The city - DuPont, Adam's Morgan, Logan Circle, the Georgetown Waterfront, Midtown, Cleveland Park, Chinatown....I could keep going. These are all neighborhoods that I am a frequent visitor for either new restaurants, old restaurants, movies, shopping, or for exercise. I like that I can take a different running route and not get bored all week long before having to start over. I like that I have a list of restaurants that I still want to try. I like that on a given day I see Obama's motorcade drive by or that I can see the White House and the monuments any time I want. What I particularly like about DC, as a city, is that it is big enough to be exciting yet small enough to have a small town feel. I often see the same people walking in my neighborhood and I know just where to find my friends but it is still a city with exciting new things to do.

The weather - Believe it or not, I like the hot weather. Of course it can be annoying and even gross but I like that we have shorter winters, longer springs and summers, and a touch of fall weather. I have learned over the last few years, that winter aka cold weather and dark, gloomy days and nights severely affect my mood and motivation. I am much happier in sunny, warm weather which we get plenty of just four hours south of New Jersey.

Sassarella Says...although DC is very different from the NJ lifestyle that I am comfortable and accustomed to, I can't say that it is a bad different. I like living here, for now, but what I fear is the unknown about the future. In my last post, I was able to clearly articulate exactly how my life would be if I end up in New Jersey and I can't say that about living in DC. I can't say whether or not I'd stay in the actual city forever or if I'd move to Virginia or Maryland. I can't say for sure who I'd spend all my time with and where I'd pick my kids of up from school. I can't say that the lifestyle I'll create for myself will fit in here because you can take the girl out of the Jersey but you can't take the Jersey out of the girl. Either way, I love DC and if I didn't love it for the reasons I stated above, there would be no debate...but clearly there is a big fat debate.

On New Jersey vs. the Rest of the World

At least four times a week, I have an internal debate about where I want to live and at least once a week that debate is shared with someone else. We talk about the same pros and cons about staying in DC, moving back to NJ, or even moving somewhere completely different! Madrid for a year or so is still on my mind, don't think that thought went anywhere but a little bit further back in my brain. Anyway, right before my trip to Spain I spent a few days in New Jersey which always makes this debate much more difficult. New Jersey has things that the rest of the world doesn't, plain and simple.

My Family - This is pretty self-explanatory but to put things in perspective for you, even my oldest brother who has lived in California since the day I started kindergarten is moving back to the east coast. My entire immediate family will be in New Jersey or New York except for me. Sad face.

Lauren Ann Masini - Wherever I choose to live, I will never be able to replace her. I live my life with a sense of, "I don't have a Lauren here and I never will. I don't need a Lauren here because I have the real thing in NJ." Even if I wanted to, I could not have another Lauren in any other city, state, or country because to have a Lauren requires years of history, years of shared ups and downs, years of memories, and finding a person who just freakin' gets you in a way that no one else does.

Attitude - Anyone who lives in New Jersey has an attitude and a personality bigger than life. I like that we have some swag and that it is often obvious where I am from before I even have to tell someone. We flip tables, we snap our fingers, we talk with our hands, and we like it.

Radio - We have z100 and Hot 97.1. No radio stations in the country even compare to our stations...they are New York City stations, I mean come on.

Diners - New Jersey diners...always open, always serving breakfast, and are always of high quality. Diners in NJ are establishments of pride, not only of convenience and we know just how lucky we are to have them. Only in NJ can you order a taylor ham, egg, and cheese at 4:40am on a Tuesday.

New York City - Residents of NY are usually insulted, frustrated, and irritated by the fact that people from NJ closely associate ourselves with NY but get over it. I love knowing that I can hop in the car or get on the train and quickly have access to the restaurants, shopping, job opportunities, and environment that NYC has to offer. Let's take a limo into the city and club hop around. Why? Because we can and because we know we can stop at a diner on the way home.

Luxury - Fine, I'll say it...I really like nice things. In the part of NJ that I grew up in we are partial to nice things. Nice cars, nice shoes, nice hand bags, and nice homes. We get good hair cuts, stellar spray tans, acrylic nails, and the latest gadgets. We are spoiled by great restaurants and are snobby about our food and drink. There is no greater feeling than the one I get in my car with the top down driving to the Short Hills Mall (someone smack me, I know). But the thing of it is that because it is so normal to us and because every where you look the person next you has the same level of luxury on her finger or on her feet, it is acceptable. We like a life of luxury and have found a way to be, in my opinion, somewhat humble normal about it.

Guidos - On the other end of the spectrum, I can't help but love me some guidos. White tank tops, big muscles, fresh to death kicks, and chains. I like the way they talk and they way they walk. I always had a thing for them all the while knowing this is not the type of boy you really end up with but they're fun to look at.

The Shore - No matter what you think, there is no greater place to spend a summer than at the Jersey Shore. The Jersey Shore is a way of life that everyone in NJ understands. Beach all day, Parker House happy hour, Leggetts, Osprey, and Bar A at night, and late night bowls of pasta in the kitchen. Going for a run and showering after a long day at the beach, coming downstairs to find everyone on the back patio playing cards and drinking beers is the Jersey Shore. Tiki Bar all day Monday and ending up back there that night after a mid-day nap and slice of pizza is the Jersey Shore. No place else compares.

I'm sure other towns and states have characteristics to them that make their residents feel unique but what always stands out to me is the level of pride I have in New Jersey. People in New Jersey have an extraordinary amount of pride in their state, their family, their friends, their attitude, their radio stations, their city, their luxurious lifestyle, their accents, and their beach. We will defend our state and our lifestyle to the death. We know we are a little crazy but we kinda like that too. We don't care if you think guidos are stupid or that having seven Louis Vuittons is a waste because our pride exceeds our need to impress outsiders.

Sassarella Says...my dilemma still exists. All of the previously stated points are ones that center around how I saw the rest of my life progressing. I saw myself leaving my big office in New York City to pick up the little ones from practice at their fancy private school in my Range Rover. I saw myself meeting Lauren for lunch at Joe's in the mall, buying a cute new outfit before going to get our nails done and having a spray tan. I saw us going out to a nice dinner with Tanya Bo Banya and our hubbies in Hoboken that night. I saw myself having my brothers, my sister, their families, my parents, and the Wilkes' over to the house for Sunday dinner, which I will have of course ordered in from Nonna's. I saw us sharing bottles of wine and knowing that we'll get to do it again next weekend. I saw myself waking up on Monday and starting it all over again. To live in New Jersey is a way of life that I love and don't think I've quite given up on having yet.

DJ CFabb: Cleaning Shmeaning

5:10pm - Gather clothes scattered around the room that need to be washed and put them into the basket.

5:14pm - Enter the elevator to head to the basement laundry room, all the while thinking, "It's 5:15 on a gorgeous Thursday night so I'm sure no one will be doing laundry."

5:15pm - Walk towards the laundry room and see that the automatic light (that only goes on when someone is in the room) is on and think, "Shit."

5:16pm - See 4 maids folding dry laundry and see that all of the machine lids are down, which usually always means they are running.

5:17pm - Notice that two of the machines are not running but that the person has not come down to move her stuff into the dryers.

5:17pm - Contemplate taking whoever's stuff it is out of the washer and put it on top of another one so I can use it, I mean who knows how long it's been sitting there!

5:18pm - Decide to wait for the maids to leave. It's always better to violate someone's privacy without an audience.

5:20pm - Maids exit.

5:20pm - Enter laundry room. Open and close the lids on the two washers that contain stuff I need to move. Open and close them again, still contemplating what I would say should this person walk in and catch me moving her stuff, "I'm sorry I know this is so rude but I need these clothes for work tonight!" Total lie but whatever.

5:21pm - Doing it. Move her stuff to the top of another washer. Put my stuff in the washers very quickly and get my bag for my laundry card.

5:22pm - "You a$shole. After all of this, YOU FORGOT YOUR CARD UPSTAIRS?!?!" I thought to myself. THE WORST.

5:23pm - Head towards the elevators, very pissed off. As I approach the door, people exit the elevator. I notice they seem to be doing laundry and am now certain that it is the girl whose stuff I moved. I attempt to turn my body and fold up my basket, hoping she won't notice that I'm doing laundry because she will then see her stuff and know that I moved it. Yikes.

5:25pm - Decide to wait at least 10 mins before going back downstairs to start my machine. I do not want to run into her.

5:40pm - Go back downstairs to start my washers.

5:43pm - Start machine 1. Attempt to start machine 2...."LOW FUNDS," it tells me.

5:45pm - Even more pissed off, head back upstairs for cash.

5:47pm - Add money to my card and start machine 2.

There is nothing I hate more than having to trek back and forth to the laundry room, especially when I have to make extra trips because I forgot my card or do not realize the card is out of money! Later in the laundry excursion, I made sure to put two articles of clothing in two different dryers in order to save them because someone else was doing laundry on the same schedule that I was. It's just ridiculous....a building with 8 floors should have more than 6 washers and dryers!

Anyway, in between trips to the laundry room I decided to really clean my apartment. Usually when I "clean up my apartment" what I really mean is that I'm tidying up because I just pick up the clothes off the floor, re-organize the bathroom, and maybe dust a bit here and there. However, since I bought a Swifter Wet Jet (that is absolutely addicting) and actual cleaning supplies for the bathroom, I was anxious to use them. I cleaned the bathroom better than I have since I've lived here and at first it was satisfying but I was quickly over it. Not to mention the fact that I have a boy here half the time which leaves an apartment with different dirtinesses than I'm used to having (no offense, babeeee). Give me spray tan stains, I can handle it but boy stuff was just like, "wtf, I ain't in Kansas no mo'." By the time I got mid-way through cleaning the shower I started to think about how many more years I have of cleaning a bathroom and I didn't like that much at all, "Yeahhhh so I'll eventually pay someone to do this sh!t for me, fingers crossed."

I was pissed off at the laundry debacle and coughing from the fumes in the cleaning products but hey, at least I made a good playlist....

"Part of Me" - Katy Perry (Raffael De Luca & Joel Jungell bootleg)

"Can't Stop Prutataaa" - Afrojack & Dada Life ft. Alesso

"B#tch City" - R3hab vs. 3LAU

"Lost in the World" (Tiesto Remix) - Kanye West

"Donald Trump" (dubstep remix) - Neon Hitch

"Party Shot" - Major Lazor, Popcaan

"Domino in My Mind" - Ivan Gough, Feenixpawl, Axwell, Jessie J

"Call Me Greyhound" - Swedish House Mafia & Carly Ray Jepsen

"Sing My Ass Back Home" - Thomas Gold ft. Neon Hitch, Steve Aoki

"Spaceman I Used to Know" - Hardwell ft. Gotye, Adele, Lady Gaga

"Danza Kuduro" (REMIX) - Don Omar ft. Akon

"Bon, Bon" - Pitbull

"Rebels in the Light" - Manicanparty

Sassarella Says....where's Mr. Clean when ya need him?

Less Monumental Happenings

There are milestones in relationships that help us gauge what level of the relationship you are at with the other person. I just experienced a milestone; he gave me a drawer of his dresser. He was so matter-of-fact about it too, "Hey I made space in this drawer here...(pause, because I did not immediately react)...as in, you can put things in it."

"You're giving me a drawerrrrrr," I exclaimed slash whined in a girly high-pitched voice meaning to convey, "ain't you the sweetest!" It hadn't even occurred to me to ask for space to put things. Awhile back I brought a toiletry bag and a towel over to leave there but now I have a whole drawer? I've never been given a drawer before but what's funny is that the exclamation slash whine in a girly high-pitched voice was more for show than anything else. What I mean by that is, offering up space in your dresser or closet to your significant other, we are told, is a way of showing your commitment and is meant to really mean something but I didn't need a drawer to know that about him. He shows his commitment to me and his love for me in such better ways than a drawer. I love the drawer, don't get me wrong, and I love that I didn't have to ask for it and that he was the one to think of it but it felt a little matter-of-fact for me too.

Of course it got me thinking about other milestones like meeting the parents, giving the other person a key to your place, moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, having children, etc. I also started to think about less monumental milestones (maybe we should call them happenings), for instance, the first time you get invited to a party as a couple, the first time you go away together, the first time you know what he'll want to order at a restaurant and you order it, the first time you go out with a couple who is together a shorter amount of time than you are, you get the point. These are all instances when you are fully aware of the fact that you are in a relationship. For someone who hasn't been in a relationship in years, these are happenings that I am very aware of and enjoy. However what I love about this relationship is that they seem secondary to the big picture. They seem like the drawer, very matter-of-fact in that we've got one big milestone down already (we've both met the parents) and I, holy sh!t balls, see potential in other big milestones. We've both hinted at this but never actually say anything as a definite, for obvious reasons, but seeing potential of other big milestones makes the less monumental happenings very matter-of-fact.

I can remember being with guys who if they had given me a drawer, it would have been the biggest and most important day in the relationship thus far because I would finally know that he feels a commitment. I've always had to fight for confirmation from past sig-o's about how they feel about me and where they see things going but not now. The less monumental happenings in my current situation are wonderful but I have a duhh feeling towards them. Duh, we have stuff in drawers at each other's places. Duh, we'll be at your party on Sunday. Duh, he'll have a Miller Lite, a shot of Jameson, and if that has shrimp in it, he'll have it!

So what I'm concluding from all of this is that being offered a drawer in your boyfriend's dresser should be sweet, thoughtful, and meaningful but not monumental. I understand that not everyone has a way with words and can convey a message clearly so maybe offering a drawer at that time is monumental but at some point there's gotta be more. There has to be that direct verbal communication of feelings, "I love you, you mean the world to me, and I'm not going anywhere." To me, that's the only way you get to those real milestones. When I'm 80 years old I'm going to remember the day he (whoever he is) met my parents, our first apartment, and the day we got engaged as opposed to the first time I knew he would want the shrimp cocktail or perhaps even the day he gave me a drawer in his dresser.

Sassarella Says...as meaningful as it is that I have my own drawer in his space, I know that if I wanted to bring 3 drawers full of things, every hair product, stick of make-up, and shoe I own over to his place that he would have it. Giving me a drawer was more about him wanting me to be comfortable so that I will be over as often as humanly possible. And he knows as well as I do that it was not about either of us needing to confirm our commitment and love for each other because we do that in more milestone-style of ways.

I'm A Little Weird Without You Here.

There is a Swedish proverb that reads, "love me when I least deserve it because that is when I need it the most." I sometimes reflect on this proverb as I can be, let's say, challenging to deal with on certain days. I'm up, I'm down, I'm hot, I'm cold...you get the point. Thankfully, I think most people, not just women, could describe themselves as challenging but in the last few days I'm learning something new about myself in that regard. How very 7th Heaven of me, right? Anyway, I'm learning, yet again, that I'm not quite as grown up as I thought. I'm realizing that as many times as he can say, "This is new for me, I've never felt this way about someone so tell me how all of this is supposed to go" that I'm in the same boat. Certain situations of a relationship are situations that he will know how to navigate through better than I will and that irritates me. I'm not used to having to learn things through the help of another fehh! I'll learn it on my own, thank you very much. I'm not used to interacting on a daily basis with someone who in some ways, not all, is more mature than I am. I've got how to handle the immature brats down pat! But specifically speaking to my current situation, I now know what he's known all along....to truly appreciate the time we spend together. Seems simple right? When I'm crabby, tired, and things aren't going my way, I tend to act like a stubborn 5 year old, except a lot more bitchy but he always remains calm. He puts up with it, for God knows what reason but he does and I'm thankful.

He is away for a few days, in a place with limited communication and I miss him. The first day he was gone, I walked past places and did things that we might go to and do together. All of a sudden it felt like we had broken up, which felt awful. Obviously we are not broken up and I backed my way off the ledge a few seconds later but it made me realize how much more I need to appreciate the time we spend together. Trust me, we take advantage of the fact that we live in the same city, have similar work schedules, and can see each other probably more often than we should but do I really appreciate it? Maybe not always. There may be times when I take it for granted.

I'm not promising that I won't ever be crabby, tired, or bitchy in his presence because when two people spend as much time together as we do, it's bound to happen. However I am promising to be more aware of it. The honeymoon phase is still looming, and these instances of bitchiness are not as frequent as it might appear through this post but when thinking about the ratio, I'm certainly in the lead.

This all got me thinking about the concepts of appreciation and taking advantage. It sits well in the bar industry as well. When it's busy, we are all happy to work because the rush is exhilarating and you know you're making bank. However when the night starts slow and remains pretty slow, instead of appreciating the few customers who do come in, you want to punch them. When it's slow, it makes you not want to do anything at all so we take for granted the small number of customers we actually have.

In terms of those standing on the other side of the bar, the thing I hate the most to hear from people is, "Can I get a discount?" or "If you charge me less, I'll tip you more...." People please, I know how it works. I have a love/hate relationship with the crowd that comes into the bar. I know a lot of them, I used to have friends just like them, and simply put, we are dependent on them for business...hence, the love. But holy hell, the hatred. The hatred that they can be so ignorant is beyond me. They take for granted the environment we set up for them that is safe and fun. They take advantage of the breaks we all sometimes cut for them and few of them genuinely appreciate the service we provide them.

Speaking of Georgetown (oops, I guess the cat is outta the bag), I share the same sentiment about my time at Georgetown U. As a student, you take advantage of the hours you have to BS with your friends on the stoop of Saxby's, of how prestigious your education really is, and of the ease of having your gym, laundry room, cafeteria, library, and bar within a 5 minute walk from where you live. You take advantage of the quiet time in the library, of the fact that you don't have a single thing to do on Fridays and that Senior Week is hands down the most surreal week of your life thus far. It's only after I have left school that I can appreciate all of those times and more. I look out at the crowd on a Friday night knowing that they really don't appreciate just how good they have it right now.

Sassarella Says...it's gotta be a maturity thing, as most things I write about are. Acting like a brat is selfish behavior which helps me understand why in those moments I, and the others I just wrote about, have a hard time seeing the bigger picture. I am in my own selfish and bratty world, not realizing that HELLO! Sassarella, you're taking advantage of the first good one to come along because you know he isn't going anywhere. How immature is that?! I'm honestly a little embarrassed to even write it because I get it now; the grown up thing to do is to appreciate and not take the good one, the bartenders, the college experience, or whatever person, place, or thing relates to you for granted. UHH DUHH.

Hey Hoyas, We'll Always Have Lau!

Work brought me back to campus this week for the second time in the last two months since I graduated almost (YIKES) a whole year ago. Each time I return, I am smacked in the face with nostalgia, "I used to live there, we used to gossip about bitchy girls over there, we used to dance our way to class here, I used to get coffee here, I ran into that awful and regretful hook up over there...." etc, etc. So much happens in four years...the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I am reminded of the actual happenings but I can also tune in to exactly how I felt on particular parts of campus and at particular times in my journey. Passing through the different buildings, hearing up to six different languages in one hallway of rooms, and overhearing a casual yet completely intense political debate, I am reminded of how difficult it was for me to feel intelligent while at Georgetown University. I'm just going to go ahead and say it, it's hard to feel smart at Gtown unless of course you are one of the really smart ones. I was surrounded by some Harvard rejects, high school valedictorians, and type-A, over-achieving politically, medically, and economically driven and inspired minds all the time which left a lot of room for self-doubt.

That is a low point of memory. My memory reminds me of the times of pure stress, procrastination hell, hatred, and complete loss of hope but then I saw her. I saw a girl sitting on the floor reading on a book outside a 2nd floor classroom in ICC. I used to be her and I used to be her quite happily. I loved (ok, nerd alert), I used to love going to class really early and getting a spot in that quiet hallway. After seeing her and being reminded of that nerd-esque slash very intelligent side of myself I decided then and there to change my perspective. Here's my new perspective: I did it. I effing did it, biotches.

"Yo Adrian...."

No matter what I do or don't do from now on in my entire life, I will always have the big, shiny diploma framed in a big, bold frame letting the entire world know in Latin that Christine Leigh Nigara graduated from Georgetown freakin' University. BOOOO-YAH!

Everyone will tell you that it's what you make of that big, shiny diploma framed in that big, bold frame and what you make of the experience, the relationships formed, and the journey and well, of course it is! Trust me, I'm not denying that but here's the thing...think about the zillions of things in life that can be taken from you. Someone can take away your job, your relationship, or steal any of your material possessions. Some higher power, God or whatever you believe in, can take away your health or even your life but no one, not my boss, my boyfriend, my brotha, my sista, my best friend, not even God can take Georgetown away from me. I did it and it's done. I'll always have Lau.

But hey! Even if Lau, the Georgetown library, falls to the ground, I'll still have it in my blood, sweat, and tears. I'll still know the work that went into that big, shiny diploma framed in the big, bold frame and I will be forever proud. With the last year not turning out quite as planned, (that's a whole 'nother can of worms but anyway) I needed to be reminded of a proud and satisfactory time in my life. I am proud of my school, my experience, and most importantly, myself.

Sassarella Says...what do you hang your hat on? Maybe it's not school for you. Maybe you were once an incredible athlete who helped your team win a championship. Maybe you served time in the military. Maybe you ran for office and won or maybe you sent yourself abroad and had an irreplaceable cultural experience. Whatever makes you feel most proud about yourself should be something that cannot be taken away from you.

DJ CFabb: Just Cuz

This one goes out to the handful of people who have asked me for new music. I highly suggest downloading all of them.

"Give Me Kuduro" (Pitbull // Don Omar) - The White Panda (hiiiiii TANYA!)


"Levels vs. Someone That I Used to Know" - Avicii vs. Gotye


"Where Have You Been" (Hardwell Club Mix" - Rihanna


"Call Me Maybe" (Gabe Flaherty Remix) - Carly Rae Jepsen


"Ass Back Home" (Panic City Remix) - Gym Class Heroes ft. Neon Hitch


"Surprise Greyhound" (Swedish House Mafia, Busta Rhymes, & Tiesto, The Wanted, Axwell & Ivan Gough, Dragonette) - Sex Ray Vision


"Return of the Mack" (Viceroy "Jet Life" Remix - Mark Morrison


"Goodbye" - Fly Project


"All About Tonight" - Pixie Lott


"Breaking Spring" - 5 & A Dime


"Girl Gone Wild" (Avicii Remix) - Madonna


"Neon Lights" - Natasha Bedingfield


"Monday Morning" - Melanie Fiona


"Eyes Wide Open" - Dirty South & Thomas Gold ft. Kate Elsworth


"Can't Stop Me" (Club Mix) - Afrojack & Shermanology


"Bounce" (Banana Dynamite Remix) - Calvin Harris

Sassarella Says...you're welcome!

Restoration of Faith

I exist in a world in which I rely on a higher power. I rely on intentions set by the universe that I cannot control. I believe that things happen for a reason and that even if it takes awhile, that things will always work out for me. I have faith in those intentions and know that no matter how terrible the situation is, that whatever it is will pass.

I moved to Washington, DC with the knowing intention that to live in this city makes me happy. I spent the first few months here bonding in a stronger way with old friends, addicting myself to yoga, working at a job that I love, and having a great time with a guy. I thought things could not get any better, which inherently made me weary of when, as they say, the other shoe would drop. In the last few months, the other shoe was on its way to dropping, hard core. As I mentioned in a previous post, I was spreading myself too thin and all that made me happy went out the window. I stopped spending as much time with my friends, one Silly Sally in particular, I stopped going to yoga, I resented the job I loved for taking me away from sleeping, and I lost the guy. I never actually thought about leaving DC, but hell I barely had time to even think about being unhappy because I was too busy and therefore exhausted. I did wonder how long I could possibly go on this way though.

Finally, one piece of the puzzle worked itself out. My faith was restored in yous with the penises. One of you guys actually started to do things right and believe me I fought it off. I fought it off hard because I was busy, tired, and down right terrified but I thankfully knew when it was time to stop fighting him off. He has restored my faith in commitment and in the idea that two people can actually be in this together, so to speak. I have little to zero doubts and it feels good.

Despite that, those other pieces still nagged at me. I visited New Jersey for a weekend in the midst of all of this. It was amazing. It felt better than ever to be in my house with my parents and my dog and to see most of my core group of girl friends. The ease at which we fall right back into place only proves how deeply connected we are and how when we post on Facebook once a week, "I MISS YOU!!!!! Love you, betch!" that we truly mean it. I can speak candidly with them about anything in the world. I have complete trust in these women and just seeing Tanya sitting next to me at dinner made me smile. Lauren and I had that moment at the bar, facing each other as we danced and mouthing to each other how much we miss the other one. That moment is immediately followed up by the other moment in which we both yell at each other, "STOP, don't go there, STOP" aka we don't want to start sobbing in the middle of the Sona dance floor. I watched Hillary and Gabs bop around the bar, making a scene as usual, and couldn't help but sigh a big sigh of relief that nothing has changed around here. I have complete faith in my ties to New Jersey.

Although, it was tough. It was really tough to leave, especially when I knew I was going back to a land where my faith and happiness was a bit shaky. I put up with the shakiness for another week or so before I had finally had enough, but you already know about that.

So thankfully I am here to say that my faith has been restored. While walking home from yoga I had that corny moment that I tend to have every now and then about my life. I looked around DuPont Circle and watched people walking around, getting in and out of cabs, chatting with their friends at outdoor cafes and it hit me; today my faith in Washington, DC was restored. It was quite possibly the most perfect weather I could ever ask for, I was strutting around in yoga pants, listening to a great song, and I felt amazing. I looked around and thought, "I LIVE HERE. WOOT!" I got home and he stopped by just to say hello. Apparently others are noticing a difference too because the first thing he said was, "You're smiling. I like it." Just goes to show how rare those were for awhile there.

And now I'm sitting at a outdoor coffee shop, listening to music, and writing a blog post. I have a cute new summer scarf and my "aren't I so artsy" glasses on, an iced coffee in hand, and my "bible" out. I feel like me again. I am finally, once again, the person who I've been cursing off for the past few months because walking by them made me envious of their release, their freedom, and their personal time. I realized that it's easy to lose faith in yourself, in your lifestyle, in your relationships, or in your city but if you want it back, you can have it. Sometimes we lose faith because at our core we really don't want something we once had faith in, whatever it is, and it eats away at us until we either make a change or let it defeat us. But this girl, yeah this one right here, really did not want to hate Washington, DC or my life here. I really wanted to love it again and aha! I do. Faith comes to those open to accepting it.

Restoration of faith.

Sassarella Says...

Dependable to a Fault

It's simple: earn money. We are told every day that we need to earn money to live and be happy. We need to earn money so we can pay our rent and our Internet and water bills. We need to earn money so we can go out to dinner on Wednesday night and sign up for Down Dog Yoga. It's simple: earn money. We earn money so we can travel to Florida, to buy new clothes, and buy gifts for a birthday girl. In my mind for the last two months or so it was so simple....earn money. Earn as much money as I possible can.

However simplicity is not so simple. To make such a simple task possible, I was juggling three jobs and trying to please three bosses. There is nothing simple about that at all. Especially when two of those bosses and two of those jobs are ones that I have personal relationships and ties to. I never wanted to let any of them down. I never wanted to have to tell any of them that I couldn't make it on a day or time that one of them needed me to be there.

On a weekly basis my boyfriend tried to convince me to quit one of my jobs or to at least call out a day or two but I refused. I told him that I can't just not show up or bail when one of those jobs was depending on my presence. To this argument he responded by saying, "One of the things I absolutely love about you is your insane work ethic. You are a reliable and dependable employee and person, but you can't be dependable to a fault." That statement kinda stuck with me until I finally gave my two weeks notice to one of the three jobs.

Never wanting to be the girl who needs to ask for rent money from her parents, I worked to the point that even my dad was yelling through the phone, "QUIT A JOB AND GET BACK TO YOGA!"

So, at times I will admit that I am dependable to a fault. At the expense of my health, my well-being, my previously kick ass yoga arms and ass, and my overall happiness, I was earning money and allowing everyone and their mother to depend on me.

By simply eliminating a job, I went to a yoga class and am writing a blog post for the first time in about two months. I'm back to having a smile on my face at the remaining two jobs, and I'm able to show the man who put up with my bitchiness every morning how happy I am to have him around. So as my Tanya Bo Banya would say, "EFF that NOISE!" because I need to be able to start depending on myself again. I hardly had any time for the things that make me truly happy, like blogging, practicing yoga, and having a clean room but I feel free again. I feel like I am slowly getting back to neutral.

Sassarella Says...being a dependable person is a wonderful thing. I know that my friends, family, co-workers, and bosses can rely on me for whatever they might need but at what cost? At the cost of my hot bod, my sleep, or my relationship? Nahhh, I think not.

How Fast Do You Fall?

The first time I fell hard and fast. A little less than a month into dating him I knew I loved him and that he loved me too. The second time I was in love was a slow progression over time. I loved him because of our history and because of our story. And the third time I fell in love, I fell hard and fast again. Exactly a month into it, I could feel myself starting to fall just as he was pulling away. So how fast do you fall? Seems to me that when I know, I fall right into it very early on. No one knows when a person to love is going to come along but when it does, ya just friggen know. You can feel it.

....Or do you? It would take a lot of authority for me to say that that's the only way I can fall in love because who the hell really knows. I mean clearly it's not the only way because there was one who I loved over time and not off the bat, however I would say that I always felt a strong pull towards him. He protected me, or so I thought he did. Anyway, that's besides the point and the point is that I'm wondering how fast do you fall in love? How long does it take you? Does it take awhile because I would love a definitive answer to this question. Should I be in love by now? Should I not? Is it okay that I'm not? And could I be in the future? These are all questions that I am usually able to just intuitively know the answers to but every now and then I question myself and I start to look at each piece of the puzzle.

When I'm in love, I get giddy knowing that I know your favorite flavor of Snapple, Smart Water, or Gatorade.

When I'm in love, I will always want to hold your hand in the car.

When I'm in love, I need to hear you say, "What will make me happy is to see you happy."

When I'm in love, I want everyone to know about it. I want them to know that this stud, yeah that one right there, chose me.

When I'm in love, I blush when I can see you subtly showing me off to your friends and family.

When I'm in love, I get excited for a weekly date night.

When I'm in love, I hate saying goodbye to you. Even if it's just for a few hours.

When I'm in love, I love assuming and telling people, "oh yeah, we'll both be there."

When I'm in love, I'm comforted knowing how I'm getting home and who I'm going there with.

When I'm in love, I want to take showers with you.

When I'm in love, I'm impressed when you try to impress me.

When I'm in love, I like to keep things at your place because we know I'll be there anyway.

When I'm in love, I'm satisfied knowing that even when you're not saying a word I know what you're thinking.

When I'm in love, I want to dress up for you.

And when I'm in love, I really want you to know about it and for you to be in love with me too.

Ok great but so what? I don't have to be in love with a person to know his favorite flavor of Smart Water. So is it possible to be in love, or potentially in the future, if some of those things aren't true at the moment? My gut says no and my gut is rarely, if ever, wrong. But what if I really want to be in love and really want all of those things to be true? Can it happen...maybe one day...eventually...how about down the road?

Sassarella Says...my gut still says no.

I think.

"Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind" - Keith Urban

Feeling oh so uninspired to write, yet knowing this is the only day I have free to get something off the ground, I frantically searched blogs, read articles, and listened to the most random music on my iTunes hoping for something to inspire me. When I finally found it, I felt a little sick and quite frustrated but ultimately motivated. Remember this girl? The blogger who is in a relationship with a former booty call of mine? Ehem, let me re-phrase, the blogger who is in a relationship with a former booty call of mine WHILE HE WAS STILL MY BOOTY CALL!! I only found out he was in a relationship based on her blog.....like really with this technology sh!t. Well in the months since I've written about her, they have broken up (WAHOOOO! Thank god she's free of this man) but have since gotten back to together on and are still unhappy blah biddy blahh biddy blah.

Anyway, as I read another saga about how their Valentine's Day was a failure and how giving their relationship a THIRD try isn't going so well (shocker, I know), one thing hit a nerve. She mentioned some of the ridiculous and careless words they threw at each other, including how he told her that her blog is a "relationship killer" and that she should take it down.

Ok, so now not only are you a cheating d-bag but you dare to throw daggers at her blog! I should mention that she is currently writing a book based off of it aka you are disgracing her passion and what she hopes will bring her success and satisfaction. What an ass.

Obviously I can relate to his opinion that it is a relationship killer but I can also appreciate her desire to keep it up and running (so help me if she ever takes it down, I'll cyberspace punch her). When it came to the guy who made the man in the pit of my stomach go crazy, I never wrote about it until it was over. Once it was over, I took some heat from our mutual friends for so publicly expressing my feelings. They felt it was weird and uncomfortable, since of course they knew who I was talking about. I didn't care because this is how I work through my sh!t. This is how I get it all out of my system and it worked.

#SorryNotSorry

It was easy when I was dating guys who I knew would never see what I wrote without my permission. We didn't know a lot of the same people, nor were we Facebook friends, which made it very easy to write about them freely and honestly. I guess there have been times that I've written about guys who I know will read it, like Roller Coaster and Bob, but I only had to answer to them and a few close friends who were on my side. In the last six months that I've lived in DC that is not the case. Between the guy who made the man in the pit of my stomach go crazy and whatever is presently happening, I can't write sh!t. Why? Because it is a relationship killer. Relationships, whether we like it or not, are games that we play like chess players. Who is going to text first? Do we see each other too much? Should I pull back? Is he avoiding me? Am I avoiding him? That being said, if I were to write in detail about what is going on and how I'm feeling about it then I lose my hand. I lose my power.

Additionally, there is more to said here about privacy, dignity, and preservation of character. When I know that an entire culture (mob, crew, social circle) of people will know exactly what he's saying and doing in the privacy of our time that's no bueno. Some of you might be wondering how I can say that and yet I wrote so much about the guy who made the man in the pit of my stomach go crazy and here's my simple little answer: he really pissed me off. But good thing we're past that....

The moral of the story is that I've got blogger problems. The first one is that the area of inspiration these days is one that I cannot write about. And the second one is figuring out deep down why I can't write about it. Is what I would write something too revealing, too brutally honest, and possibly hurtful for whomever it is about? Which would make this blog a relationship killer. I mean I'm even censoring myself right now. I took out a few sentences and re-worded this paragraph at least twice! Or is it simply that what I would write about is none of anyone in that culture's (aka bar crew of people's) damn business? It's the first rule of fight club, you don't talk about it. You don't talk about your love life whether they know the guy or they don't because when they are given too much information based on what I write, then this blog becomes a relationship killer.

Sassarella Says...ugh. The most frustrating thing for a blogger is censorship, especially when you are censoring yourself for the sake of another.

DJ CFabb: "Music is a safe kind of high" - Jimi Hendrix

Wednesday afternoon was the first afternoon in weeks that I've had to just sit in my apartment and chill with the music on. Instead of having a quick 20 minutes in between two jobs, I had a good 4 hours to do nothing. I never thought I'd appreciate 4 short hours of nothing but I did. I realized that music has not been getting the proper attention that it deserves in my life recently. My walks and bus rides to work are short and I don't even listen to it when I exercise anymore because of yoga so all I hear is the top 40 hits at the bar all the time. Yikes. But as I sat there listening to my iPod on complete random, I found myself thinking, "Oooo I like this song!" Well duh you like this song, it's your music! Anyway, I'm re-connected to la musica and want to share some new finds with all of ya'll....

"Shake It Out" (Benny Benassi Remix) - Florence & the Machine


"Midnight City" (M83 Cover) - The Knocks ft. Mandy Lee


"Mr. Mister" - Sato Goldschlag ft Wynter Gordon


"Broke Phi Broke" - White Noise Mashups


"Walking Alone" (Magnus & Timon Rexmi) - Dirty South & the Usual Suspects ft. Erik Hecht


"Electro Beach" - 3LAU


"Set Fire" (3LAU Bootleg) - Michael Calfan & Adele


"Love You More" (RAC Mix) - Sunday Girl


"Youth" (Adventure Club Dubstep Remix) - Foxes


"Midnight City" (PatrickReza Dupstep Remix) - M83


"Spring Break Mix" - Kap Slap


"Can't Stop Me" (Aylen Remix) - Afrojack & Shermanology


"Thank You" (Addict DJs Remix) - Dido


"The Fight of My Life" - Colin Munroe ft. Pusha T


"Happy Violence" (Manila Killa & El Cid Remix) - Dada Life

Sassarella Says...all you need is love. And perhaps, music.