"Let's lay down tonight and kiss tomorrow goodbye" - Luke Bryan

I wrote yesterday's post on the train Friday night on my way back to DC from New Jersey. The weekend got crazy and I didn't have time to re-read and post it until yesterday morning. I thought about changing the ending because not four hours after I wrote it on Friday night did something change. I will obviously explain myself but I decided to post it the way I originally wrote it because for a brief moment, that's how I felt. I felt amazing. The loving place that I had just come from aka my house on the day after Thanksgiving, sent me off to DC with that fuzzy feeling inside. I was also feeling relieved to not have the burden of the little man in the pit of my stomach going crazy all the time. I finally felt at ease with that whole situation until about four hours later.

I was very anxious to get off the train and meet up with a guy I met at work last week and was starting to get to know. Despite the fact that I was not the most friendly of waitresses to him that night, he was insanely attentive to me. I noticed how he could not take his eyes off me wherever I went. What was even more interesting is that he didn't try to hide it at all. He didn't do the quick look away when I would glance back but instead he would just gaze and smile. Writing it, it sounds kind of creepy but actually experiencing it was flattering. So anyway, I met up with him and his friends at a bar on U Street. He was more attractive than I remembered and we were immediately pretty comfortable. I totally scored best friend points throughout the night too. I felt good and we were having a great time. I felt like I was making progress and that perhaps this guy could be really great. At a certain point, we broke away from the group and started to talk more in depth about ourselves. 

Based on what he told me, I concluded very generally that he's smart, athletic, attractive, and interesting (shocking)! He leaned in to kiss me and I let him. The first one wasn't spectacular but it wasn't awful either. I think there's some leeway in a first kiss because you're just getting to know each other and trying to figure out one another's style. By the second and third one, there were moments that I thought, "Damn, this is never going to work" and other times when I thought, "Well, maybe it could. Try again." Then we start talking again and he hits me with, "So in terms of my last relationship....it ended almost a year ago. We were together for four years and I caught her cheating on me. It ended the day I saw the guy walking out of her house as I was driving up." Shoot me in the face. Didn't I just hear this sob story?! WTF. Ugh.

I nodded and looked for signs of him squirming as he talked about her, which he didn't. I noticed how he didn't talk about it for too long, which I thought was a good thing, and then he asked me about my most recent situation. I briefly mentioned the last guy who made the little man in the pit of my stomach go crazy for good and bad reasons. I liked his responses and I let him kiss me again. So by the fifth, sixth, or seventh time it should be pretty solid, right? Or how about another twenty minutes later? The "figuring out how to kiss each other" thing should be more or less figured out by then, right?

"Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye" by Luke Bryan

I've kissed my share of boys. I was a relatively late-bloomer so for most of my life, I was the make-out sesh queen. "Sorry, we can only kiss." What a tease. Anyway, including this guy, I've kissed fifty-two boys. Of the fifty-two, twenty-one of them I can confidently say were good kissers, twenty-four of them were not, and I have seven names here that I can't remember one way or another. Maybe I can't remember because it happened back in high school or because it only happened once or twice but let's assume that since I can't remember them being good that we can add them to the not so good list. So that leaves us with twenty-one guys that when I kissed them either the first, second, or third time that it felt really good and thirty-one guys that I knew off the bat were not going to make it.

As of this moment, I put this guy from Friday night on the not going to make it list. The more he kissed me and the more he put his hands here or there it felt wrong. "You're not doing it right," I whined in my head. I felt a little attacked and he was a little aggressive. I hate absolutely nothing more then having to ask a guy to stop or having to move his hands away over and over again. It's annoying as hell. The more annoyed I got, the more thoughts of someone else flooded my brain. Only five of the twenty-one good kissers have ever been able to really make me feel it. With five guys, I was able to kiss them and lose my thoughts completely. You know the ones I'm talking about. The kisses that you know are so real because you put your whole body into it. You lose your sense of anything going on around you. You know how you can't hold back tears no matter how hard you try? That's what those kisses are like. No matter how hard you try, you can't hold them back and you can't get enough.

So thoughts of someone else flooded my brain. Thoughts of the last person to kiss me in such a way that I can't even describe overwhelmed me in that moment. And like those kisses, sweet Jesus I couldn't hold it back, and I felt a g.d. tear stream down my face. He must have felt my body tense up because he stopped, looked into my eyes, and asked me what was wrong. I obviously couldn't answer back, "The way you are kissing and touching me is all wrong. It was effortless and so much better with him." So I just stared blankly back at the poor guy. He assumed that I wasn't over the guy I told him about and he asked to help me forget about him by kissing me again. I felt awful and pulled away. I didn't have the heart to tell him that his kisses only made me think more about that guy. We parted ways and I'm not sure what will happen because he's still calling me despite my tears and abrupt pull away mid-kiss.

"Once you had the pieces put back together, even though you may look intact, 

you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall." - Jodi Picoult

Once I was by myself, I cried a little more because I was sad. I was sad that on the outside I look intact, and I really thought I was, but I'm just not quite the same. But as sad as I was, I was equally as angry. I was angry because my effort to get back out there didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. I was angry that my perfect night at home and with someone new was tainted by thoughts of him. I was angry at him, the guy who made the little man in the pit of my stomach go crazy. I was angry because there have only been five guys in my life who I could kiss over and over again and he was one of them. It really made me think about how unique, how wonderful, and how rare it is that the chemistry between two people is indescribably out of this world. I lied there thinking about how stupid he was for taking that away from both of us. Doesn't he get how few and far between all of that good stuff is? I lied there thinking about how stupid I am for still thinking about it. I was right there damnit. I was a notch away from being done with it and being able to say "I'm totally fine" and actually mean it. On Friday night I was back down to a lot of notches away but thankfully, I woke up Saturday morning feeling relatively unaffected by what took place. Another weekend, another shift at work, another yoga session, etc, and I'm back up to a notch away. Gimme the g.d. notch, Universe! Geez, it's enough already.

Sassarella Says...don't settle for anything less than this.

"On the road I dream of home and when at home I dream of action" - The Zolas

I spent a few days back in the dirtaay that is New Jersaaaay and I loved it. It's always nice to go home, however I realize now that it's nice to go home in small doses. This dose was a little too small, I could have used the rest of Friday night with my people but such is life. I realized that some of the things that I really and truly miss about home are some of the same things that I don't miss at all. For instance, I miss the crap out of my little dog Luc but I certainly don't miss taking him outside in the cold and rainy weather when I'm still in my pajamas. I miss my gym. I miss the classes it offers, the trainers, and the time I spend there with my mom and Lauren but I don't miss making small talk all the way through the g.d. place. Some people I enjoy seeing, and if I saw you this week I'm not referring to you, but sometimes I just want to get in and get out (that's what she said). 

I miss driving and in particular, I miss my car. Ahh the freedom of a car, better yet, the freedom of a car in the suburbs. Having a car in a city is a much different experience. It's more confined and annoying but in the 'burbs, you go wherever you want whenever you want. However, I don't miss the traffic on River Road by Hanover Park High School when trying to get to Route 10. I miss the food. Hot damn do New Jersey Italians knows how to cook! I miss Nonna's, I miss escarole and egg plant parm. I miss Italian bread, fresh mozzarella cheese, and amazing pizza, however, I don't miss actually eating this food all the time. It's unlike anything else but hellooooo fatness! I miss Sona Thirteen. I miss spending time there with Laur, Tanya, Hillary, and Gabs. I miss running into Sammy, Dan, and the Greco's. I miss walking around like we own the place. I miss a certain bouncer, however, I don't miss the fact that of the billion times I've been there, I can only count on one hand the amount of love interests I've met there. It's filled with ex-boyfriends, previous mistakes, middle school classmates, and short-legged Italians in Ed Hardy t-shirts and Louis Vuitton sneakers.

You get my point.

How is it possible that a state that I would defend to the death is one that I can't live in right now? I am a pretty miserable person when I'm home with the exception of being at Sona Thirteen with Lauren Ann (haha kidding but not kidding). I miss Lauren but I don't miss seeing her tears when I leave. I don't miss tearing up right along with them when saying goodbye to my sister, my mom, Sheryl, and Andrea. Yup, that happened. Friday night I had to leave the party early and cue the water works!

I miss the Jersey lifestyle. I miss the larger than life mentality. I miss the nice cars and the fancy clothes. I miss the glitz and the glam but I don't miss the absolute pressure to do so. I don't miss the competitive nature of the women to out-do each other in every way possible. I don't miss the pressure to look hotter and a tad sluttier than everyone else at Sona. I don't miss going to the Short Hills Mall, wanting to buy everything but actually unable to afford anything. I miss home but there's not a whole lot of things that are better than being able to answer the question, "How do you like living DC?" with "I love it! I'm very happy."

So, like I said, this dose of home was a little bit too small but I think it served it's purpose none-the-less. I needed a change of pace, I needed time with my people, and I think my people needed it too. The trip was necessary because there is only so much one can convey to her best friend over the telephone. It was necessary because it confirmed that I am much better off living away from home. And I think, although the jury is still out, but I think it kicked the little man in the pit of my stomach to the curb. In other words, I think I needed a few days away from my DC routine to really feel over him. With the exception of freakin' foursquare, I didn't even think about him. I had no reason to because I was with the most important people in my life. The people that really matter. The people who make me a priority in their lives. I talk so much about the people in my life, whether they be friends, guys, or family members, but I never talk about the people who make me part of their lives. Yes, of course they are the same people, but it's a different perspective, ya know? Anyway, it was good, it was needed, and it was healthy. 

Sassarella Says...who says you can't go home? Even if it is only for three days! Sometimes three days is all you need to re-group. In three days I saw the most important people. In three days I got a helping of everything I miss while recognizing that it's not where I'm meant to live right now. In fact, without even thinking about it I called DC "home" for the first time in my life. Yes, I quote, "I can't believe I have to go home on Friday!" Maybe it's because I have my own place or because it feels like where I belong right now. I have a confidence about me there that I force when I'm in New Jersey. It's weird but true. Welp, I'm back "home" and looking forward to whatever else comes my way. Deuces.

Confessions of a Skinny Girl

"It's not what you look at that matters,

it's what you see." - Henry David Thoreau

Morning:
10:25 - Alarm goes off, hit snooze. Roll over because meh I don't wanna get up.

10:28 - Roll back over, turn the alarm off before it has a chance to annoy me again.

10:29 - No, forget it, there's no way I'm getting up right now.

10:30 - Brain goes crazy. You had a few vodka sodas last night and you have to work tonight so there's no chance you're going to do it later. FINE! I'll effing get up and go to yoga.

10:45 - Coffee, apple, Facebook. More coffee. See who's teaching the yoga class and sign up online.

10:50 - Get moving. Ugh, I can't. I'll take the bus, that will give me an extra few minutes.

11:05 - How did I get dressed so fast? Stall a few minutes before walking to the bus stop.

11:10 - I'm bored. I might have a few french fries tonight. FINE! I'll walk to yoga.

11:12-11:45 - Walk, speed walk rather, from Dupont to Georgetown.

Afternoon:
12:00-1:00 - Yoga. Downward facing dog. Inhale. Exhale. Chaturunga. Upward facing dog.

1:15 - Wait 15 minutes for the bus or....FINE! I'll walk home.

1:20-1:55 - Walk home. Chug water. Stop for a G2 Gatorade because I'm still shaking.

2:00 - Get out the plate and fill it with lettuce. Wash the lettuce. Get the cutting board. Cut up zucchini, squash, and cucumber. Tomatoes. Garbanzo beans. Break up pieces of turkey. Slice up a string cheese. A dash of salt, no dressing. Mange.

2:20 - Google the nutritional facts for buffalo sauce. I'm addicted.

2:30 - Shower.

2:45-4:45 - Blog. Facebook. Twitter. Repeat. Make phone calls. Get hungry again. Eat a yogurt.

Evening:
5:00 - Leave a few minutes early for work.

5:05-:5:10 - Internal struggle: to buy candy at CVS or not.

5:11 - Enter CVS. Look at the candy. Read the labels. Decide a few Mike & Ikes won't kill you. Besides, you're in shape now.

5:14 - FINE! I'll at least walk to work while I'm eating them.

5:16-5:45 - Walk to work from Dupont to Georgetown.

6:30 - Eat a carrot stick from the bowl.

6:45 - Eat a few french fries.

7:00 - STOP EATING FRIES...but dipping them in buffalo sauce is SO GOOD. New tab: "Christie" / Order: "Grilled chicken pleaseee, Simo"

7:25 - Eat one piece of grilled chicken. Dip each piece, ever so slightly, in mild buffalo sauce.

8:00 - Finish off the Mike & Ikes.

9:00 - Brittany: "Are you hungry? If I get something will you have some?" Internal debate: you already ate, you don't need whatever she wants to order but it's slow and I'm bored.

9:01 - Me: "Sure! Get whatever, I'll have a bite or two."

9:02 - New tab: "We like to party" / Order: "Eight BBQ Wings, thanks Dad"

9:30 - Only eat 3 wings.

11:15 - To drink or not to drink?

11:25 - To drink it is. Stoli-O and water.

Early morning:
Midnight - One more drink.

1:00 - Head home, hungry. Reflect on what I ate and drank that day. Ehh, not horrible.

1:15 - Yay, I get another work out in...have se...oh wait, not anymore. Have water, popcorn, and salsa instead.

1:17-2:00 - Watch Gilmore Girls. More water and G2 Gatorade.

2:00-4:00 - Toss and turn.

4:05 - Pass out.

4:06-10:24 - Sleep.

10:25 in the morning - start all over.

If you know me at all you know that I'm not naturally thin. I'm curvy, I'm a lil bit thicker, there's something to grab onto. However, at my best I am on the smaller side. If you know me at all you know that my weight goes up and down like crazy. I like DC because I get into a routine that does not include Nonna's twice a week, 10 boxes of cereal at my disposal in the cabinet, and late-night pizza. Here in DC, in my fridge you'll find only what I just listed so any "bad eating" I do, I have to purchase. Having to purchase "bad food" more often than not, stops me from doing it.

The skinny girl mentality is one that forces you to get up and work out. It makes me feel guilty if I don't. The skinny girl mentality is one that makes you aware of just about everything you eat. What's funny, however, is once I'm in this mentality, it is so nice to know that not every bite is going to send me over the edge. When I'm unhappy with my weight, I'm absolutely convinced that every drink, every taste, or every snack is going to "make me so fat." I think that my favorite part about the skinny girl mentality is that you understand that you can have some Mike & Ikes without it being the end of the world. I can have three BBQ wings and not cry over it. The skinny girl understand proportions. The skinny girl understands how to splurge on one meal without killing her whole day....or her whole week, as I used to do. The skinny girl buys a turkey sandwich with cheese (big splurge on the cheese), gummy bears, and a G2 Gatorade from 7-11 at 4am instead of Dominoes pizza and cheesy bread, as I used to do.

The skinny girl allows herself to have a "free day." My "free day" is Sunday. At that point, I've been working four days in a row of long hours, exhausted, on my way to being drunk, and conveniently it's the day I have the most cash to spend on "bad food." The skinny girl allows herself to have a "free day" because she knows that because she's got the skinny girl mentality that "free day" doesn't mean what it used to. It used to mean eat the most crap you can in multiple sittings. Now, the "free day" might mean having a slice of thin crust pizza a work, three BBQ wings, and splitting a turkey wrap and fries with Brittany at The Whale...of course while sipping a Stoli-O and water.

If you know me at all, you know I'm not doing this to brag or to make you feel badly about yourself if you haven't quite reached the skinny girl mentality but to remind myself that I can do it. I can keep it up. I never have a problem getting to a "happy place" when living in Washington, DC every fall, however, some alter-ego seems to take over as I enter the holiday / winter season. This post is a reminder to Sassarella to keep it the eff up! If it encourages you to do the same, well then mazel! My job is done.

Sassarella Says...

"There's no fate but what we make for ourselves" - Terminator

For each of the last two months, I've written posts describing all of the amazing experiences I'm having in DC. The first month it was to show off slash explain how happy I am and how much I'm doing while you were sitting on the couch. The second month it was to show off a tad but it was primarily to prove to myself that I'm still living an amazing life despite the fact that my heart was a little bit broken. Today I want to make predictions, if you will, about what will happen in the next month.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you 

didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines.

Sail away from safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. 

Explore. Dream. Discover." - Mark Twain

Since that last post only about a week ago, I've already had a kick ass time. I felt the pep coming back into my step after a day of yoga, shopping, and sushi with Brittany. We started the day at David's Bridal. We signed up for assistance and were able to pick out dresses, try them on, model them around the store, try different sizes, and leave without ever being helped. We then moved onto the Springfield Mall where we both completely outfitted ourselves for the Avicii concert. Neon, belly shirts, and feather earrings, baby! And finally we made our way to Tyson's Corner (a first for me) and I revealed my alter-ego to Brittany...she had never seen the mall-obsessed, fashionista side of me quite like this before. We ate at Wasabi...they put the sushi on a conveyer, you sit around the bar, and simply pick up whatever you want. Coolest thing ever.

"What's a motto?" ... "Nothing! What's a motto with you?!"

It's totally fine that you don't get it...she does.

Since that last post only about a week ago, I went to L2 Lounge for the first time with Danni and Brittany. This membership based, quite posh lounge is everything you'd expect it to be. Sleek and modern furniture, cocktails waitresses in skimpy black dresses, fancy glasses, and top shelf liquor. Good thing we went there after working at Rhino in sneakers and jeans. You're probably wondering how we got in after hours dressed like that...welp, we know people, that's how. Later we went to a party in those apartments in Georgetown you know people only live in for part of the year because they spend the rest of the year gallivanting around Europe. Yeah, even though I was wishing I wasn't in sneakers the whole time, poppin' bottles of champagne seemed to make it all okay.

Since that last post only about a week ago, I fell even more in love with DC while out on a run. Not only did it feel great to switch up the exercise routine (since I've been a yoga addict recently) but I saw a city come together. An elderly woman walking with a cane, tripped and fell down in the street right in front of me. I, along with four other bystanders, rushed over to help her up. I ended up walking another couple of blocks with a fellow helper-outer. He complimented the song I was listening to and wrote down the web address for "Sassarella Says..." so he too could enjoy fabulous music.

Since that last post only about a week ago, I pulled the "Stop Requested" cable on the bus for the first time. I always felt funny about it for some reason. I had previously been lucky enough to get away with never pulling it because someone else was always getting off at the same stop but one day I just had to do it. I did it and now I do it a lot. I'm a big city girl now.

Since that last post only about a week ago, I celebrated Kim Ryan's birthday at Rumors. When all three Ryan girls are in one place, we're sure to have a good time. That same night I managed to ditch a blind date of sorts but he ended up showing up to Rumors, walked right up into my face, said "helllooooo," and walked away. He hovered over our group for awhile watching my every move. In an attempt to get rid of him, I chatted up a stranger. The stranger and I hit it off, we made out, it was cool. Don't worry, we did not make out at the bar, I learned that lesson a long time ago.

Since that last post only about a week ago, I went to Nellie's and met the most FAB-ulous gays in the city. We chatted for hours about the Real Housewives of NJ, New York City, how my apartment is in the "best location everrrrrr," and about how cute we all are. Needless to say, I will be making a return trip.

So now onto what I already know will be happening in the next month and what I hope will happen. In this next month, I will see the midnight showing of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part I. Brittany, Sophie, and I bought tickets over a month ago. Totes Team Edward!

Oh heyyy, you!

In the next month, I will see Avicii for the second time at DC Armory! Ahhh FRIDAY NIGHT can't get here any faster!

In the next month, I will get a fantastic j-o-b. A job that I really love and am good at. A job that I have fun doing. A job that allows me to write, that allows me to interact with people, and a job that possibly allows me to make Facebook statuses that say, "Off to Paris for the week!" That would be amazing. In the next month, whatever the job is, I will get one.

In the next month, I will get in amazing shape. I say this because I'm already very happy (for a change) with how I look. I need to make this a goal because I want to keep it up and make my body even better. I'm too hot for you now. Oh and these yoga biceps could whoop her butt. No big. In the next month I will run more and I will sign up for another month of unlimited yoga.

In the next month I will get over a boy and meet a man. Damn straight.

In the next month I will go home to New Jersey. I will love every second that I get to spend with my family and friends. I will have the best Thanksgiving Eve at Sona Thirteen. I will, however, be comforted in knowing that I made the right decision to move away for a little while.

In the next month I will have the most epic night at Zinzi Ball. I already have my dress, my shoes, my hotel room, and my eyelashes ready to go! If I had a great time last year, this year is sure to be even a bazillion times better. I know triple the amount of people, can hold my own, and know what to expect. I learned last year to expect that literally anything can happen. In the next month I'm sure I will say at least twice, "what happens at Zinzi, stays at Zinzi."

In the next month I will try some of the really cute restaurants on my street. I walk by them all the g.d. time but have yet to try any of them. Aka, Brittany, in the next month let's go out to dinner by me.

Sassarella Says...in the next month I will allow myself to be open for whatever happens next. I will continue to build relationships, make connections, and enjoy every minute that I get to say that I live in Washington, DC. I will try new things, go to new places, and step further out of my comfort zone. I will continue to write and you all will continue to love it. In the next month I will continue to grow up while staying young. I guess we'll see just what happens in the next three weeks. Stick around for the update, bitzznatches!

DJ CFabb: What would the music be without sound?

Here are some new (and amazing) gems that I would L-O-V-E to share with you.

Take Care by Drake ft. Rihanna (I'm OBSESSED)

Take Care by Drake ft. Rihanna (Syko Remix)

The Night is Young by Yoni

Ass Back Home by Gym Class Heroes ft. Neon Hitch (Neon makes this song)

Happy Violence (Extended Remix) by Dada Life

Those Good Feelings by Yoni

Chris Brown's Temper by Kap Slap

Blessed (Aylen Remix) by Avicii

Feeling Good (DOSVEC Mash-up) by DOSVEC

Feeling Lights (Flo Rida vs Ellie Goulding) by DOSVEC (I don't think "Lights" will ever get old)

Dirty Electric Moves by DiBella

Bastoblast (ScrEAM edit) by Yoni and Basic Physics

You Da One by Rihanna

Tomorrow Never Dies by Nicole Scherzinger

Trust Me I Lie by Nicole Scherzinger

Chasing Dreams by Collin Mcloughlin (LOVE THIS GUY)

Come Back to You by Collin Mcloughlin (Still loving this guy)

Sassarella Says...you're very welcome!

Here's to Hoping Karma Smacks You Before I Do, Ya Dumb Biotch

At work last weekend I watched as a group of drunk college girls bonded while belting out Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" with more passion than ever. The lyrics, their voices, their dance moves, and their enthusiasm really struck me.

"And when the night falls, loneliness calls.
Oh, I wanna dance with somebody
I wanna feel the heat with somebody
Yeah I wanna dance with somebody
With somebody who loves me"

That's really all we women want. We want NOT to have a stranger look at us like a piece of meat from the wall of the bar, come up behind us, grab our waist, and grind. We want to dance with somebody who loves us. We wanna feel that safe and exciting heat that comes from a new love and like the song says, we need a man who will take a chance.

Reflecting on these girls, I had a thought that put an interesting spin on things. I, and as I imagine most women, spend a lot of time blaming men for a lack of a steady love life. While men give us plenty of good reasons to do so, recently, I can't help but think about the explanations for why men do dumb sh!t that they cannot help. I'm basically saying that in general, men can only be held accountable to a certain degree. A boy's upbringing has a lot to do with how he treats women, among other things of course. But we women cannot change a boy's upbringing. We can only hope that his mother, his father, his sister, and his brother provided a home that allowed him to grow up into a man. And if that was not possible, we can only hope that through his relationships and experiences later in life that he then learns how to be a man.

Now that's all fine and dandy, however, what I really want to vent about is my inability to change the dumb biotches who came before I did. I cannot change who any man chose to associate with before I came into the picture. Therefore, I cannot help but be affected by the dumb b!tch who effed him up for me. The ex-girlfriend, feh! There is little that a man can say starting the sentence with, "My ex blah biddy blah blah blah" that a girl presently in the picture wants to hear. Sure we're curious and all, but only because we want to make sure that we trump her in every way possible. The case of the ex is a delicate subject but in my experience the ex-girlfriend leaves my men with more issues than a g.d. Vogue magazine. I've heard more ex-girlfriend stories and baggage than I know what to do with. Let's re-hash, shall we?


There's the ex-girlfriend who left him out of nowhere. "She came to my graduation from law school, she met my entire family, they loved her, and I was really starting to fall for her. A few days later I got a phone call, 'Babe, I really hate to do this but I'm done. It's not you, it's me. I need some time to find myself and figure out what I want.' And that was it. Out of the blue she just up and ended it.....but really, I'm totally fine with it." You dumb biotch, give the guy some closure! How can we expect men to grow up when you just treated him like a child? Tell him that you found a bigger penis so he can really move on!


There's the ex-girlfriend who...is always around. "She and I broke up and got back together literally 1,000 times in the last year and a half. This last time though, she ended it and it's over for good. Although we are still friends so we'll probably still hang out together and see her around town, but don't worry because I don't ever plan on getting back with her....and I'm totally serious." You dumb biotch, get in or get out! Make up your freakin' mind. If you love him, then work it out and if you don't, then back the eff off. Don't flaunt your mini skirt and buhbie shirt at the same club he and I are at this weekend either.

"The two women exchanged the kind of glance

women use when no knife is handy" ~ Ellery Queen

There's the ex-girlfriend who...hates me. "Back in the day, she was totally threatened by you and used to talk a lot of sh!t about you. Remember when she and I got in that huge fight over Christmas break? Yeah, that was about you....but I never believed a bad word she uttered." You dumb biotch, you don't even know me so stop running your mouth. You two are done aka stop caring about who he spends his time with now by trying to sabotage the good thing we might have going.

There's the ex-girlfriend who...is really hot. "What do you have there, babe? Oh, that's my ex-girlfriend's calendar. She's a cheerleader for the NBA...but babe, you're like totally way hotter. She had flabby ear lobes." You dumb biotch, HAVE A CHEESEBURGER!


There's the ex-girlfriend who...is crazy. "She was totally nuts. She never let me out without knowing where I was going and who I was going with. She faked a pregnancy to win me back. She threw a bottle at my head after dumping all of my sh!t out into the middle of the road when I came home 15 minutes later than usual from work. I put up with it for years....but, I'm totally normal and she's out of my life forever." You dumb biotch, take a pill! Sure, that's just what we women need....more reasons for men to think we're complete emotional lunatics. Thanks, from the bottom of my heart, thanks for that.

There's the ex-girlfriend who...lied a whole lot. "She and I were in a long-distance relationship for four years. She traveled a lot for work except it turns out traveling for work really meant traveling home to her husband. I bummed hard and had a lot of meaningless sex for awhile but you're different, you're special, and that's so totally not what I'm intending on doing to you." You dumb biotch, get a divorce or kick your part-time boyfriend to the curb! You've left me with a sex-crazed and jaded man who will probably never trust a woman again.

There's the ex-girlfriend who...cheated. "I loved her. I really loved her and it ended the day I found out she cheated on me. I hate her. I would punch her in the face if I saw her standing in front of me. I was betrayed and I'm angry but don't worry I never want to think about her again, let's focus on you and me." You dumb biotch, he's not thinking about me! He's too freakin' mad at you to think about me. Why didn't you end it? Why oh why didn't you just end it?

So ya see, there are all kinds of ex-girlfriends. There are ex-girlfriends who are desperate for attention, who he won't stop talking about, or who are still in love with your man! The ex-girlfriend is often the reason why I lose the game before I even start playing. I don't even get a chance to take the next step because either she or just the thought of she ties him up and holds him back.

Now I know there are three sides to every story: his, hers, and MINE. Mine being equivalent to the truth, of course ;-) but there comes a point when every boy has to grow up and get over his ex.

To the guy whose ex-girlfriend left him out of nowhere....she's moved on and probably "finding herself" in the arms of a new guy while you're sitting here looking for sympathy from me. How masculine. How attractive. How utterly unhealthy.

To the guy whose ex-girlfriend is always around...block her phone number, de-friend her on Facebook, and for the love of God don't ask me to hang out with her. Chances are we will actually like each other (that's happened before) and then you'll really be screwed....or not screwed at all (ha!)

To the guy whose ex-girlfriend hates me...if you've ever believed anything she's ever said, forget you know my number. If you've ever taken her side over mine, again I say to you, forget you know my number.

To the guy whose ex-girlfriend is really hot...throw out her calendar, show me off to your friends, and we'll be fine. My four days a week yoga bod is effin' rockin'.

To the guy whose ex-girlfriend is crazy...you might be a little crazy too. I'm willing to accept (for now) that maybe you were once too young and stupid to realize how young and stupid you actually were for staying with her but as soon as you start acting shady with me because you're afraid I'm going to forbid you to have a "boy's night", we got problems.

To the guy whose ex-girlfriend lied a whole lot or cheated...get over it before you move on to something with me. I can't fault you for being upset, outraged, and hurt that someone treated you that way but I don't hear your strong anger towards her as a positive thing. It makes me feel like crap because it lets me know that you're still not over it. Get over it.

Soooooo Sassarella Says...

Just because you can't punch her in the face, doesn't mean I won't!

Your reputation precedes you

"Your reputation precedes you..." Well, maybe one day it actually will!

At least it will be a sassy one :-)

One year ago today I wrote and posted my first blog post. Its theme centered around a song by Ezra Furman & the Harpoons called "Take Off Your Sunglasses" because it was my way of saying "Oh hey World, meet Sassarella!" It was a short, quick, and to the point post that took me hours to write. I spent hours on it because I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted it to make the right statement without being too much of a big deal. I was unsure of my writing, my ability to entertain, and how I felt about posting information about my life on the Internet. I was unsure of how people would respond, if anyone other than my parents would read it, and if I'd even be able to keep it going. Now it's a year later, (can you believe it?!) and I'm still going strong. In fact, I believe I get stronger with every post. Of course some are better than others, it's all about the mood I'm writing in, but it's amazing to see the difference between the earlier posts to now.

I've analyzed, criticized, and hashed out the entire last year of my life through this blog. There is not much that I haven't shared, some things here and there, but for the most part I've put it all out there. My best and most popular posts are usually based on painful experiences. I think they are the best because I have a lot of deep rooted emotions that I can express on here. I usually find some gut-wrenching quote that nails it on the head or a picture that says it all, which makes it fun for me to create a cohesive post. And I think they are the most popular because I sometimes turn that pain into funny anger. These posts are usually very Sassarella-esque and are fun to read. I also think they are the most popular because they usually have something to do with my love life and who wants to read about a happy person in love? That's just boring. Good thing that hasn't happened all year. Anyway, my point is that pain is popular and inspiring so it is rare that a person, artist, writer, or in particular a woman compliments herself. I guess it's not all that polite to announce why you're fabulous but sometimes it feels a little funny that people are more interested in my pain. That being said, I'm taking a g.d. minute to compliment myself and you're all gonna like it!

"Sassarella Says..." changed the way I think and I love that there's always more going on in my head than people realize. In the silliest and most common of situations, I'm always making mental notes. I find inspiration in unexpected ways, most recent example being "you're the worst." A situation that means nothing to one person could mean an entire blog post to me. I love that about me. It keeps the wheels in motion and it makes me feel like I know some big secret that those around me do not.

In my own world all the time.

I love how honest I am. What good is a blog if you aren't being completely honest with your readers....or better yet, with yourself. I have an outlet for my thoughts, my experiences, and my emotions that most people do not. I love that I get positive, encouraging, and supportive feedback on my thoughts, experiences, emotions, and how I write about them. I love how putting all the bisque into a blog post instantly makes me feel a bit more free. People ask me all the time if my family ever says anything about how I blatantly write about sex and partying. I understand where the questioning comes from but what the hell fun or interesting would a blog be if I pretended like I didn't date or drink? Why would you read about a bad dating experience (or a good one for that matter) if I didn't tell you what actually happened despite the fact that it might embarrass or hurt me? Think about it.

How do you think my family feels about the word "balls" in a post?

I love that I don't always have to tell everyone everything that happens because they can read about it instead. I'm not a big phone talker, there are exceptions of course, but in general I'm not one to catch up for hours with anyone other than my mom or Lauren. It's just the way it is. I like that everyone else still feels like they know what's up because they read my shizzz. I feel a little out of the loop sometimes though I guess. Hmm.

I love that I can connect to a wide range of readers. Older, younger, male, female, I got 'em all! People I haven't talked to in years tell me that they read my blog. Former classmates and teammates have contacted me over the last year telling me how much they enjoy and relate to "Sassarella Says..." and I love it. Over homecoming weekend, a few Hoyas who I wasn't even sure remembered my freakin' name got drunk and told me how they read it all the time! Some feel weird or embarrassed to tell me that they read it, which is ridiculous because that's the whole point! Read and enjoy, people.

I love that I have the last year of my life documented. I read back on it sometimes and thoroughly enjoy laughing out loud at crazy times and even crying to hard times. It's my past, we all have one. I love that I am detail-oriented and meticulous enough to jot down funny quotes from a night out and work them into a post. When I go back to these posts, I can put myself right back into that moment.

I love that "Sassarella Says..." didn't start as "Sassarella Says..." because I really had no idea how much it would take off. I love that it started as no big deal and now I know how much it changed my life forever.

Pretty much sums it up.

And to repeat myself, I love that I have found a way to feel alive. Even if it only lasts for the few hours a week that I'm writing or in the few seconds it takes to see that 170 people have read a post, it makes me feel alive. It makes me feel accomplished, it makes me feel sassy and smart, and it makes me feel like I'm at least good at something! Kidding...but not?

Oh em gee, there's the other b-word!

Sassarella Says...happy one year anniversary, Sassarella! I want to congratulate you on completing a year's worth of posts. It's quite an accomplishment considering I haven't yet figured out how to make this my full-time job. Anyway, there ya have it, kids. A year of highs and quite a few lows but usually learning something in the process. And hey, if I'm not learning something, well at least I have a place to Sassarella-style vent about it!

"WOO WOO WOO" - Zack Ryder

Exactly one month ago I wrote a post about how happy I am in DC because of all of the wonderful things I am doing while living here. I wrote about my sense of urgency and the "do-ers" I am surrounded by. I wrote about how the number of posts per week is down because I'm out being happy and how it's harder to write when I'm not hating the world. Now, another month later, things are a little bit different. I'm still going out doing things and having a blast but I'm not here to show off my life and encourage you to "DO SOMETHING" like I was a month ago. Now I'm here to show myself that life goes on and that one blow dart isn't going to kill my whole lifestyle here. Some of the events I am about to re-cap happened with or because of the "it" who caused the little man in the pit of my stomach to go crazy but they are not here to serve as "how wonderful things once were" but instead "wow I'm lucky to have done that." I'm determined to see them that way so help me out, will ya? 

In the last month, I met the third Ryan sister and had a blast! At "OH MY GOD McFADDEN'S" we danced, we sang songs, and had the usual out of control time. In the last month, I celebrated Columbus Day at the Sign of the Whale staff invite. There may have been an incident of PDA and thanks to Reilly I was reminded of it over and over again! Insert "wow, I'm lucky to have felt that way for a hot second" here.

In the last month, Brittany and I saw the movie 50/50. It was worth seeing if you haven't already. After the movie we went to the Mighty Pint, candy and 7-11 Slurpees in hand, and encountered a sad little drunk girl in a black dress. She threw poop at Brittany and Browning...true story. "Excuse me, you've been sleeping on the bathroom floor for 20 minutes, please get up." ... "Either you're going to leave me alone or I'm going to throw poop at you." (haha yeah right, she's kidding me right?) PLOP!! Look out! "Oh my effing God, she really just threw poop at the ceiling!!" Minutes later the cops were called. Incredible. I wouldn't have believed it if I wasn't there.

In the last month, Brittany was put safely in her bed after a night out at Cleveland Park Bar & Grill. Ten minutes later, she shows up at Modern! Am I seeing things? How did you get out of your house, better yet, WHY?! This is one of those "only Brittany" moments that keep me laughing and having fun every day.

In the last month, I went to the Southwest waterfront for the first time. When our attempt to be productive and go to the gym failed, we (I mean do I need to even say "Brittany and I" at this point?) scooped up Quincy (Chachi's dog) and walked all over the city playing the "who would you rather bang" game. For hours we walked, we talked, and fell in love with Quincy. After all of this walking and talking, we of course got hungry. Cantina Marina it is! The SW waterfront is very different from the Georgetown waterfront, way more chill and relaxed, and I liked it. I love this city because here I am totally out of my usual scene and we walk in to find Rob sitting at the bar doing work. Good thing we skipped the gym to walk Quincy and have nachos at the waterfront. Solid day.

In the last month, I had the pleasure of eating at Oceanaire. Johnnie Walker, a bottle of wine, excellent food, and good company....need I say more? It was amazing and I am lucky to have had that opportunity. (See, I'm really trying over here people!) Followed by a dance party and sing-a-long at the Whale with Trey and Simo...again, say no more. I was a very happy girl that night.

In the last month, I saw the old crew over homecoming weekend. I saw my Scrubby, my Meghan, and my Maggie! While it was great to see everyone, I couldn't help but feel a little like they were invading my new turf. It sounds weird because DC is not new to me or to them but since my life here now is so different than it used to be, it feels that way. I loved college but I hated feeling like I was back in college. I didn't like some of the old feelings that resurfaced when I was with people I hadn't seen in awhile so I scooted out of Georgetown for most of the weekend. Whale and Rumors it is!

In the last month I saw Newseum man boy. It was weird, very weird. He came into Rhino with some friends and as I walked around serving people, including him on occasion, I was a little shaky. The kind of shaky that is a little nervous, a lot awkward, but still gosh darnit he's HOT. The worst. I kept catching his friends talking about me and finally, I caught his best friends' eye and I mouthed to him, "I can read your lips and I know you're talking about me." It was hilarious and despite the awkwardness, I'm glad it happened. I was bound to run into him somewhere and better it happen in my comfort zone.

In the last month, I "worked" at the Bar Stars Golf Tournament. Stuck at hole 5 all day, Brittany, Amber, and I needed to spice up the party. Where is the beer cart and why hasn't it come by hole 5?! Ahh well Dale saved the day, "You know I never come up to this hole because it's dangerous for the cart but I've heard from everyone along the way that there are three girls at hole 5 who desperately need some beers!" This entire day from start to finish was surreal. "Hi guys, so this is the closest to the hole competition....whoever gets the closest wins a weekend at the Jameson Lodge in Vermont, a chance to swim with the dolphins, and a $500 gift certificate to Camelot." Or "Hey, if you buy raffle tickets you get to pick the next song we play...and I will take my pants off" (because naturally I brought my iPod and mini speakers). All of the prizes were fake and some poor golfers actually believed us, but my pants eventually did come off.  Nothing topped the most fun crew that came through which consisted of Oscar, Dave, and George, bottles of vodka, "WIGGGLE WIGGGLE WIGGGLE WIGGGLE" and the BARBRA STREISAND song. Oh and don't forget Brittany's "hot box" in the back seat of "the it's" car. I will play golf every week. Feel free to ask me to work a tournament any time you want.

"NO PANTS PARTY AT HOLE 5!"

In the last month, I finally went to Chachi's bar called Number Nine before the annual High Heel Race (aka the drag race). Danni knows the insider term because she's a blogger! :-) I love my neighborhood and on that night, 17th Street was flooded with gays dressed up in drag getting ready to race down the middle of the street. It was amazing.

In the last month I celebrated Halloween at the Whale dressed up as a cowgirl and the following night I dressed up as a "black EYE pea" with Brittany and Sophie. After a long day at Rhino the make-shift costume didn't even phase me. I was happy to be out with good people and since the weather was so miserable we holed up at Rhino all night with BoBoscar, Misty, and Porter.

In the last month, I went to champagne brunch with Brittany, Murphy, and Danni at Chadwicks! Sunday mornings are usually dreaded because I'm le tired, hungover, and have to go to work. That Sunday, however, we finally got to partake in the Sunday Funday morning fun that we usually serve people and watch happen in front of us. I have to thank this group in particular for making me go. It was a great life decision, and due to the "it" who makes the little man in the pit of my stomach go crazy, it was just what I needed.

In the last month I worked the beer tub on Halloween dressed as school girl. I have really come to love and appreciate my regulars who make me feel like a million bucks every time they come into the bar. The Eagles crew, some of the Penn Staters, and the usual weekend suspects help get me through the day sometimes. See all ya'll crazy Eagles boys tonight!

In the last month, Quincy, Brittany, and Bridesmaids got me through a tough day and night. "I met a dolphin down there and I swear to God that dolphin, looked not at me, but into my soul, looked into my Goddamn soul."

In the last month I went to a Georgetown networking event at Sonoma Restaurant & Wine Bar. At first it felt great to be in a "Hoya Saxa" environment but the more I started to talk to people, I realized how tough it is to be in a room of bankers, lawyers, and politicians when you look back at them and say that you're still working at Rhino. I love Rhino and am not ashamed to say that it pays my rent but to this group of sometimes too smart and arrogant for their own good, it was tough. However, by the end I shifted back into proud mode when I met the founders of Savored and made moves to send my resume along!

In the last month I ate at James Hoban's, went to Public for the first time, and decorated Rhino with the most amazing Halloween wall ever created. In the last month I ventured into Virginia with Brittany and saw the house she grew up in. It made me miss home like woah. In the last month Brittany and I met a man named Charlie at 51st State, helped celebrate Snow's birthday at Circa, and caught up with the always gorgeous and fabulous Irina! In the last month I jammed my finger on the ceiling of Rhino when I jumped up and down because the GMEN beat the Pats, I met the famous Pauly, and played DJ CFabb at the Sign of the Whale. In the past month I've continued to go to yoga and I've continued to really like it. 

Sassarella Says...in the last month I've made new friends, I've extended my DC network, and I've explored new neighborhoods and restaurants. I've been happier than ever. I've cried quite a bit. I've felt the comfort of good friends who have my back. In the past month things changed. My world was rocked a bit but in order to keep my balance, I gotta keep moving. I have to keep trying new things and meeting new people. Fortunately for me, that task isn't proving to be so difficult!

This Too Shall Pass...Right?

You know that moment when you can feel it in your gut that something isn't right? Everything seems normal and looks the same but you know something is coming. What's coming is that moment when the little dude sitting in the pit of your stomach stands up and alerts your brain and your heart that something just ain't quite right. Yeah, that moment sucks. I'm very in tune to this moment and I think it's a blessing and curse that I recognize it more quickly than most.

Last Tuesday night, I felt it creepin' in. By last Wednesday I felt the little dude starting to straighten up his legs and by Thursday night he was at full attention. Friday morning and into Friday afternoon he was kicking and screaming at me until I just couldn't take it anymore. However, thankfully my job requires me to be very busy from Saturday morning to Monday night but he was still knocking at me throughout. By this past Tuesday, I needed to shut him up or I was going to lose it all together. I reached out to the thing causing the little man in my stomach to jump up and down. I got a weird but hopeful response. By Tuesday night, I was unfortunately reassured of my uncanny ability to tell when the little dude sitting in the pit of my stomach is standing up for a reason and I'm not just being paranoid. He was right about everything starting all the way back to that initial Tuesday night.

So I've had a few days to sleep on it, to drink on it, and to be kept completely busy by B.Ryan (everything from yoga to movies to adventures into Virginia) and I'm still a bit all over the place. I go from Adele's "Someone Like You" and Lifehouse's "Broken" to Joshua Radin's "One Leap" and Snow Patrol's "Just Say Yes." In other words, one minute I'm heart-broken and sad and the next I'm oddly hopeful.

I'm sad because I'm learning that the hardest part about ending something, taking things down a gazillion levels, or whatever terminology is appropriate is having to do it every g.d. day. Having to wake up and go to bed to it every day. Having the door man in your building ask why he hasn't seen "your very nice gentleman friend" in awhile. Having to carefully articulate to mutual friends, co-workers, etc what's happening and how you feel about it. Cursing at your iPod because "Take a Back Road" comes on and you can't immediately switch it because you're in the shower. Having a terrible moment in Target reliving the memory of the last time you were there with someone else. Having to deal with the moments that you're not distracted and can actually think about what you would have been doing this time two weeks ago. Having to wonder if you're the only one of the pair doing and thinking about these things every g.d. day.

I'm sad because I can honestly say that for the first time in about three years it really felt right. I can feel the difference in myself when I'm forcing a situation to work because I'm lonely, exhausted or bored as opposed to because it's just working all on it's own. I know that this felt right because it was different than the others. It felt better than it ever felt with Roller Coaster, Magic 8 Ball, Butthead Friend, or any of the other idiots in the man game of baseball I was playing. I didn't have to work at this one. Someone was mocking me about how we didn't actually go out for that long (basically questioning how I could possibly be upset) and he can stick it where the sun don't shine because it was the happiest month I've had in the longest time. That's reason enough to be heart-broken in my book. 

All of that being said, I'm still a bit hopeful (gosh darnit I'm freakin' hopeful even though I know I shouldn't be) that it's not the end. As far as I know no one turned off feelings. I have no reason to believe that his reasons are not accurate and sincere, which is why I can have that small touch of hope. But hey, if I'm wrong then scratch this whole g.d. paragraph but we were friends before, we're friends now, and we're on good terms. It's just always about timing and I'm open to the possibility that the timing will be right at some point. I've come to fully expect the worst in terms of men so I'm prepared for the timing to never be right but wouldn't it be great if it was? Wouldn't it be great if we could look back on this period of time, this blog post, and laugh at how far away and ridiculous it seems? Yerp, it would. 

I keep wondering and asking "why did this happen" or "why am I being put through this again" and I hate that I don't have a good answer yet. One of these days I'll figure it out. All I know is that this too shall pass. This knot in my stomach will go away. The welling of tears in my eyes will eventually stop waking me up in the morning. The terrible feeling in my throat will clear up. And the sound of his name will stop feeling like a dagger to the chest. This too shall pass.

What he's going through in his life right now will pass. The storm will settle and what's holding him back will pass....or I guess it might not, but so help me God I will be over it by then if that's the case. So while all of this stuff is passing, both mine and his, I will keep cruising along. I will give him space. Life goes on. Richard Bach once said, "If you love like a whole lot (like a lot a lot) something, set it free; if it comes back, it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was." My mom reminded me of that quote this week and well I guess that's all there is to it.

Sassarella Says...