Sassarella, Don't Believe Everything You Think

"Intimacy is a four syllable word for, 'here's my heart and soul, 

please grind them into a hamburger and enjoy.' 

It's both desired and feared. 

Difficult to live with and impossible to live without." 

- Grey's Anatomy

And that is right where I find myself these days; desiring intimacy for it is impossible to live without yet fearing it because of just how difficult it is to live with. I'm not sure if it's an age, a lifestyle, or a personal issue but I'm going to assume that it's a combination of all three. I'm also going to assume that I'm not alone in this.

How did I get to this place? If you read this g.d. thing on a consistent basis you can probably already answer that question without me having to write a post about it. However, what fun would that be? Zero fun, sir. So here it goes.

I'm in love limbo. I really want intimacy but I'm scared of it. Most days I'm content having fun with my friends, staying busy working three jobs and yet I still crave it. I got to this place because of the absolutely effed up process of falling in and out of love. The painful, mind-boggling, and backwards aspects of the process are what put me here.

For instance, why is it that when I really start to care about you, you start to care less? Am I really not supposed to show I care just so you continue to mildly care? How does that make any sense at all? Oh right...IT DOESN'T. I really don't know how to put up walls, I've never been good at it, but if I don't you will definitely leave. I have yet to see something contrary. However, I know that on occasion, I do the exact same thing to others that you did to me. It's stupid.

Reflecting on what I just wrote the only answer that makes sense is either, "you're just not that into me" or "I'm just not that into you." If you loved me more, it wouldn't have scared you seeing just how much I cared about you. If you loved me more, it wouldn't have mattered that I changed my plans to be with you or that I excessively groomed and primped before seeing you or that I looked at you in that way that I look at people I love because you would have loved me too. If you loved me more, we would probably be together right now.

If I loved you more, I would love that you changed your plans to be with me. If I loved you more, I would love that you're willing to do anything to make it work. If I loved you more, I would love that you love me in that can't hear a song without thinking of me, can't fall asleep without seeing my face, and can't wake up without wondering what I'm doing today kinda way. If I loved you more, all of that would give me the butterfly feeling I felt for someone else but it doesn't. If I loved you more, we would be together right now.

Thankfully I've come to terms with all of that and I've accepted that you weren't that into me. Ironically I'm less okay with the opposite situation because as painful as it is to accept rejection, it's pretty painful rejecting someone else (especially when I know it's partly because of my own shortcomings at the moment). But what I find to be particularly effed up is that this is how all of my relationships, flings, courtships, or whatevers have gone with the exception of maybe Johnny Espo in the 8th grade and the Tim McGraw boyfriend. Either I start to show that I really care and he jumps ship or I'm not that into it from the beginning (and I can tell he's really into it) so I don't even let it up off the ground.

That being said, it feels like the next time I'll be in a healthy relationship is going to be with the guy I marry. No, you're not seeing things, I said MARRY. With every failed fling or relationship and with every month that passes I lose hope of meeting the in between guy. The guy who I date for a year or two before meeting the one. I can't fathom that I'm the type of person to meet the one at twenty-three or twenty-four years old so does this mean I'll be relatively speaking alone for the next 5-8 years until I'm at an acceptable age to meet him? That can't be but it feels that way.

I don't go into relationships or flings at this age thinking he's the one but what I'm meaning to say is that it never works out until one day (supposedly) it finally does. And since things only seem to work out for me every five years, I'm due for it to work out in another two years, which could be an acceptable age to meet the be all end all guy. (Meet him at 25, date a few years, get engaged...yeah, that works). However, what's another two years? I'll still be kind of a kid and could potentially still not be interested in marriage. It's like when you were in middle school and were sure that by the time you graduated from college that you'd be this well-rounded, put together, grown-up adult. It's all about perspective. Ugh ok cool so what's left for me now? The limbo. Craving and wanting intimacy so badly it brings me to tears but shying away from it because I'm either not that into it or because I'm in no mood to get up for the let down.

Another fact to back up my horrifying thought process on how I'm going to be alone for at least another two years, if not longer, is that I'm not willing to settle. If I wanted a boyfriend simply to have a boyfriend right now, I could have one. I'm not saying that to be cocky or obnoxious but anyone can be in a relationship if she is willing to be someone that she doesn't really like or doesn't really make her happy. I don't want just any relationship though, I want a meaningful, happy, and healthy one. I'm the person who would rather be alone and blog about it than be in any old half-assed relationship. So doesn't that make you think? If I were to be in a meaningful, happy, and healthy relationship right now then why wouldn't it be one that lasts....say for a lifetime? Just a thought. Is it possible to be in a meaningful, happy, and completely healthy relationship without it being with the one? I thought I was still young enough to find out but suddenly that doesn't feel like it's in the cards for me. I'm suddenly feeling too practical and too self-assured to fall in love with anyone who isn't all of the things that I want and need.

Yeah, yeah, that's what single people say to make ourselves feel better ;-)

Obviously I'm writing as though love is black and white, which is it very far from. I am also very aware that I don't know everything and I have no idea what is in store for me, this is simply how I feel at the moment. If you hear that I'm in a relationship a month from now just know that I'm level-headed enough to realize that he may not be the one but that for the time being he's making me happy and things appear to be healthy. Capisce?

Sassarella Says...until then, I'm going to enjoy being the happiest birthday weekend girl in the world! Partaaay partaaaay tonight! I think this occasion calls for some fake eyelashes, some Stoli-O, and good friends! Good talk, see ya out there.

"Hey, if we were in prison, you guys would be like my b!tches!" - Phoebe Buffay, Friends

In case you haven't heard, my birthday is this Friday, January 13th! And in case you haven't already bought me a present, here are some things I want this year...

Angel face is only asking for a simple thing or two....

I am a nerd at heart: I am in need of a new "Bible." This is tough because I am very picky about it but something 9.5x6.5 should do. A small spiral, if any, and possibly one small pocket folder. I like notebooks, just get me a bunch of really pretty, artsy, and modern ones that I will happily look at as I sit in Starbucks writing for hours. Actually, I'm thinking of a bunch of other "Bible" requirements, why don't you let me get this one. You've got quite a list to get busy buying....

A life time supply of the following: Haribo gummy bears (which I will immediately regret), fake eyelashes, Calvin Klein Euphoria perfume, and G2 Orange Gatorade. I'd also like a fro yo machine in my apartment that automatically shuts down for the day when I've had a certain amount.

And to work off the life time supply of gummy bears (that I will most likely finish by February) and the fro yo, another monthly plan of hot yoga....come to think of it, better give me a life time unlimited membership to that too! www.downdogyoga.com. Great, thanks.

I would like you to get me an actual job interview. I'm sick of submitting resumes to automated systems that make it impossible to make any sort of connection. I, in my opinion, make my biggest impression in person as opposed to on paper, therefore I feel I am being short-changed.

You could get me one of those money trees too, I think they sell them at Home Depot in the plant section. I promise I will water it every day!

Or you could get me concert tickets to every concert I will ever want to see in my entire life.

I also want to be made part owner of Forever 21, Nike, and Steve Madden (or Aldo, either will do) so that I can "buy" whatever I want from any store (or on-line) for free.

You could get me one of those machines that make it possible to be fully functioning while sleeping. I need one of those...try Best Buy.

Or you could get me that new alcohol that has zero calories and guarantees a non-existent hangover the next day. That would be swell!

I also want that spray tanning solution that you only have to apply once all over your body and face and it makes you permanently tan (the safe way)! Imagine how much money, time, and energy you will be saving me. And my all white bathroom might actually be white again!

Ray Ban sunglasses. They never seem to go out of style. Oh and Joe jeans, curvy fit.

And I hear there's a new app for iPhones called "The Perfect Man in Seconds," could you get me that app? I already know how he'll look, sound, and dress so it won't take long to create him. We'll fall in love and I'll have you to thank!

And I hear there is a new Sugar Free Red Bull on the market that actually gives you wings! I'll take a life time supply of that too...flying would be easier (and I hear more of an effortless workout) than walking everywhere. And just think, you'll also be saving me money on cabs, trains, buses, and flights to anywhere I need to go! You're the best.

Or how about season tickets to the NY Yankees with a complimentary (and personal) meet and greet with the team, coaches, management staff, and owner. I hear that's pretty cheap and easy to do!

And hey while you're negotiating with the NY Yankees, I'm sure it would be easy enough to get in touch with a top dog at the official airline associated with the team, Continental, isn't it? Well, you could politely mention that there are times when flying myself (with the SF Red Bull wings, of course) is not the most convenient way of traveling, especially if I plan to travel overseas (which I do). See if you can get your hands on one of those re-usable, open-ended tickets that I can use anytime, anywhere, and bring any amount of people I choose. As a thank you, I'll fly ya anywhere you want to go!

I would ask you to get my hotel rooms comped everywhere as well, but I don't want to be greedy!

So you see, it's the little things in life for me! That's all I want for my birthday this year. If you want to split up the list, that would be fine too. I hardly expect one or two people to be able to get all of these things so sharing is caring, people!

Sassarella Says...in all seriousness, I want to be happy, tipsy, and

surrounded by  people having a good time on my birthday. And maybe the

eyelashes and Gatorade...but that's it, I promise!

Ciao, 2011!

As you may or may not have noticed, I did not write a post about new year's resolutions. I think calling anything a new year's resolution is automatically setting yourself up to fail because what do almost all new year's resolutions have in common? Failure. Sure, you go to the gym for a few weeks, stop smoking cigarettes for a few hours, or quit biting your nails for a whole day but eventually most of us go back to our usual habits. Hey, if you are one of the few who can set a resolution and stick to it then by all means, disregard everything I just said. However, I have never been one of those people. So instead of writing a post about my "non-new year's resolutions", I want to look more at what I learned in 2011. It was a fast and crazy year, 2011, and I learned a whole lot.

For starters, I learned what a sea grape is and that damnyouautocorrect.com might be the funniest website ever created. I learned that a material purchase can bring me happiness and a certain level of confidence as I enter a room (hi, Little Louis), and that I really like Johnnie Walker.

Love: I learned a lot in this department this year. Painfully, I learned throughout the first half of the year that the man I thought I could marry is not the man I thought he was at all. Isn't that ridiculous? I felt so strongly for him for so long, to the point that I really envisioned a life with him, only to find out just how wrong I was about him and our relationship. C'est la vie.

I learned that all of the reasons I listed in the "Sassarella, I love you BUT..." post are all lame excuses for "I'm just not that into you." Unfortunately I learned this because I have used some of these excuses in the past year to let some really wonderful guys down who I just wasn't into enough to make it work. I still haven't figured out what's worse: the lame excuses that might not hurt as badly but make things really confusing or being awfully blunt and just coming out with it, "I'm just not that into you."

I learned that dating is a game and that guys will do things (or won't do things) for no reason at all.

It was an interesting game of baseball for awhile there!

I learned that love can look really good on paper. All of the technical pieces can make sense but that there has to be the spark. There has to be more than what's on paper because if love were simply up to a checklist, then wouldn't we all have it by now? If that were the case, divorces wouldn't exist, no?

I learned that when a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time. I spent a lot of time this past year giving guys another chance or going back to a situation that didn't work in the past hoping it would change. It never did. I've always known the importance of trusting my gut instinct but I'm learning how to actually act upon whatever the gut instinct is. For example, no matter how bored or lonely I am, it's not worth the hassle or the heartache staying in a relationship that my gut is telling me to get out of. I also learned how dead on balls accurate my gut instinct is because when I felt like something wasn't right, 9 times out of 10, I wasn't being paranoid and something was in fact wrong.

"You can't be wise and in love at the same time" - Bob Dylan

I learned that I'm pretty awful at letting go. However, I also know that I'm level-headed enough to realize that in order to move on, "you have to know what it is exactly that you're moving on from," (Sassarella, March 25, 2011). It's pointless to try and move on from something if you haven't figured out what you were committed to in the first place. Was it really him or was it the idea of him? Was it really him or was it the dinners he took me on? Thankfully, but painfully, I learned that for the first time in awhile it really was him. That being said, I learned that there is no greater relief than when I'm really and truly over him. All of the him's.

I learned that it's okay to be a little guarded and to open up only to those who open up to you. I learned that love finds you when you are happy on your own. It's not up to another person to save or to complete you but rather to compliment you.

Ambition: I learned that the ambition I was once had towards the end of my senior year was a fake ambition. It was a need to say I'm doing something in order to keep up with my friends and to satisfy myself and my parents. The truth is though, I really had no idea what I wanted to do and still don't. However, I also learned this year to really live by my own secret motto, "things just seem to work out for me."

I learned that it's pretty awesome living on my own and that I'm much happier in my own routine. Partly because it's way more motivating to get up out of bed every day when I don't feel the pressure of someone expecting me to get out of bed. Does that make sense? Also due to the fact that I eat much healthier, stay more active, and therefore stay much thinner which also makes me very happy.

I learned that I want a television show on Bravo.

Life: I learned that being a 20-something can be awesome and awful at the same time. This past year, I've had my highest highs and my lowest lows mainly because things change at the drop of a hat. A Saturday night out can make you feel like a million bucks but the following day "so and so" doesn't call and your life is over. The idea that my life can go in any direction I choose is exhilarating and positively daunting. Can't someone just tell me where my life will go and how to get there? I want to be fabulous right now, I don't want to wait. And yet, I do little about it because I'm too busy having fun. It's quite effed up. With all of that being said, as grown up as I can feel at times, I've learned that I have a sh!t ton of growing up to do.

I learned that I'm indecisive about the little things, like what to eat. I learned that I can write pretty well and that I enjoy doing so. I learned that I can be funny when I want to be, and better yet, sometimes when I'm not even trying to be. I learned that as much as I wanted to graduate that I have a sincere and deep pride in my school, Georgetown University. Through my Soulful Striver experience, the feedback I've received since graduation, and the casual walks around campus during graduation weekend it really hit me how special it is to have attended GU.

I learned that friends come into your life for many reasons. I learned how lucky I am to have someone like Brittany in DC to get me out of the house, to laugh with, and to be there for me. I didn't realize how much of a difference it would make moving here having a good buddy to do things with. I learned that old friends can always pick up where they leave off. Although I only see someone like Jackie every now and then, anytime I see her it's like we never left each other. I learned that you can have friends who you connect with on different levels. Tanya and I got close this summer because we have a reasonable and similar outlook on life, as well as the constant need to chat over a bottle of wine and then dance like crazy. I learned that friends like Hillary, Gabbie, and Meghan are ones that I may not talk to all the time but I can still feel the love. I learned that Sammy and I are growing closer as women, instead of as childhood biddies. And finally, I learned that for real, Lauren is my main squeeze. It hit me one day after talking to two different friends separately, that I censored myself with each of them about different topics. I never censor myself with Lauren because the trust is indefinitely strong and loyal. We are always on the same page and she knows everything there is to know. In the coming years, I hope she can do the same. Basically, I'm lucky to have this group of gals.

I learned that Zack Ryder is really hot, that Dad has cooler sneakers than I do, that I really really really enjoy golf tournaments, that the iPhone is my favorite thing in the whole world, and that "We Found Love" by Rihanna will never stop being amazing.

I learned that California is a state that I hope to live in someday. I tend to think a lot about that fact come January and February because it's incredible how much my mood is affected by cold weather. I learned that my family out there rocks. I learned that Zinzi the second time around is infinitely more amazing than the first time, that hot yoga does the body wonders, and that belting out "Mean" by Taylor Swift might be the most fun a girl (and ohhh my god a guy, ehem) can have.

Sassarella Says...here's what I hope to learn in 2012:

Anything I didn't learn between the years 1989 and 2011.

Done and done.

"Good morning, Vietnam!"

The inner monologue of a still drunk / the most hungover girl in the world.

Anything in italics is an actual thought. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

"What time is it?! Oh my god, I'm so late for work. I'm so so so late." He runs around, gets dressed, washes his face, and brushes his teeth.

Yeah right, I'm sure you're late. This is a lot of effort just to get me out, I have to leave anyway...

I make moves, find my belongings, and bend down to put on my boots. "What a night huh? I can't believe I forgot to set my alarm." He gives my butt a little love tap. I didn't hate it. He is freakin' hot. Well done. I guess he really is late for work. He works?! Duh, I knew that.

"Where do you need to go?" Right, like you're really going to take me where I need to go when you're two hours late for work and you didn't get any last night...well maybe a little bit. "I work across the bridge. Can I drop you in Georgetown?" Yeah, fine, whatever I'm actually feeling great.

In the car: "Do you remember walking this whole way last night!" I can't believe I walked all of this. Why did we do that? "You insisted on walking, I told you we could get a cab." That's why. And that's why my feet are killing me!

It's better that he's late and we're rushed...I hate the awkward goodbye. Do we kiss? Do we hug? Shake hands? Ugh. Just say bye and get out. Make it quick and painless. "See ya!"

Why did I think taking the metro would be a good idea right now? Oh, right, I'm on a budget. My feet hurt. And just what are you looking at? Sunglasses, good idea. I have to pee. Is this really the one day I don't have a pair of shades in my bag?! Ok I think I need to sit. Am I really going to sit on the metro floor? You could just lean against the wall...

Butt starts sliding but I do nothing to stop it. Butt hits ground. I am that girl sitting on the metro floor. Hey, at least it's clean. Why is this kid standing so close to me? My head is heavy, put it in your hands. I'm glad I sat, I have to wait 8 more minutes for this dumb train. I have to pee so badly it hurts.

The lights are flashing, the train is approaching. Get up. Or I could just stay here all day, that would be nice. I don't wanna move.

This is the longest train ride ever. I keep forgetting my phone is dead. Damnit. I have to pee.

When I get out of this metro station, I'm taking my boots off. I don't care how ridiculous that is, I have a good walk from the metro to home. My feet hurt. I have to peeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Small children. I'm probably scaring them. People are judging me, I'm practically falling asleep standing up. Haven't you ever seen someone hung over before?!

Alright, up the escalator, here we go. I have a scowl on my face, I know it. I look like sh!t. Wow, the last time I was at this metro station this early I was going the opposite direction. I've hooked up in that building. It's pretty ironic that I live on the same street as Newseum man boy. Ohh the memories.

Oooo a Cosi, go pee there. Keep your shoes on until after Cosi. Pretend to be on the phone so you don't have to acknowledge the workers. You're not buying anything. You are that girl who uses the bathroom without buying anything. Omg look at that bread, it looks so good right now.

Should I get food here before I leave? No, save the 12 bucks. You have food at home. What am I gonna eat at home? Salad? Popcorn? Soup? Ehh nothing sounds appealing. So I guess soup with a string cheese it is! Womp womp.

No toilet paper?! Are you kidding. HAHAHAHAHA this would happen. "I don't have a square to spare." Such a classic. Elaine is definitely my favorite character. Or Kramer. Tough one. Or Newman.

Wow, mental note to avoid all mirrors. It is actually as bad as you thought it was. My hair is literally on top of my head. This is funny. You should write a blog post about this. I want the G2 Gatorade that's sitting my in fridge. Good call on buying that by the way. Last night was a lot of fun.

Ok, walking now. Ugh, I hate that my phone is dead. I want to see my text messages. JC better be thankful that my friggen phone is dead or else I'd be cursing him out via text for serving me Jame-o at 6pm. This is all his fault. G2 Gatorade. I can't believe I made it to Rhino after the Whale. Wait, I saw Chris last night! Oh my god you shut your mouth, I saw Alexa last night too! G2 Gatorade.


Ok, I give in. Taking my shoes off. I try and stumble. Attempt number one: fail. On attempt number two, I'm doing it. Ahhhh relief. Move your ass. Sh!t, going shoeless might hurt worse. Hahah you're a loser, now you're trying to think funny things on purpose just so you can write about them.

Home, finally. I should have a package in the mail room...that's what she said. This ones mine, this ones mine, this ones mine and this one. Damn, four packages! How am I going to carry all of this? Good thing I never see anyone in my building because I am quite a sight to see. Take two trips? I think not. You're still drunk, you will try to carry all four. Easy does it, you can do it. Well since my boots are resting on top of the boxes, at least they completely hide my face.

Nooooooooooo I NEVER MADE MY BED!!! THE WORST. The worst the worst the worst. Eff it, who needs sheets? "Eff shoes. Who needs shoes?!" Ahh Dane Cook, you kill me. First things first, G2 Gatorade how ya doing?


Sassarella Says...for whatever reason when I'm hung over my body moves like a snail but my mind moves a mile a minute. This happened awhile back, of course I made a bunch of notes on it, but I can't say it's the first or the last time I have the most ridiculous and repetitive thoughts in the first few hours of being awake after a night out. Thankfully, I was able to laugh at myself throughout the entire hour it took me to commute home. Sassarella also says good luck going to the Front Page for happy hour, see if you come out alive.